Paradigm Shift

I sit with a rich cup of hot coffee in my hand, the kerrygold butter melting into the black pool. It is cold outside. I can feel the cold air pushing against me as I look out our large picture window; my warm little house is cuddled around me. I am at peace and filled with the most incredible gratitude for the incredible things in my life. This is why I run.

When you train and push your body, mind and soul, past their comfort zones, you reach a place that triggers pure enjoyment of the little things around you. It is fact that we crave the highs and lows of experiences no matter what your life looks like. Your mind finds a way of becoming numb to that around you. Your comfort zone swallows it up and in order to feel again, appreciate anything, you have to break free. Running can do that for you. The extreme task of beating your body down pulls your mind into sharp focus for being in the moment. Once your comfort zone shifts, your paradigm shifts too.

For me, my life, which is a pretty idyllic one at that, becomes void. I concentrate on the irritating things like slow traffic or not getting enough done on my to do list, instead of enjoying all that I have. Do you find yourself doing this? Seeing the things that slow you down rather than slowing down to see the things that are incredible around you?

Yesterday was my long run, 10 miles, and commenced a heavy mileage week and significant bump in training. This is how it works, you bump up the entire week's milage and steadily wear yourself down...while actually building endurance, it sounds crazy (and lets face it, it totally is), but it works. Today I had a recovery run. Today, I ran on legs of lead and like a sudden spark of fire, it clicked. I broke the bubble of my comfort zone.

And now, I sit in my perfect little house, with my perfect cup of coffee, staring out at the most beautiful frost crystallized perfect tree and I breath in the moment.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

The Only Fear, is Fear Itself

I am trying like Hell to make this running thing work. At the same time I question myself every single second. The two seem to be battling and it is driving me insane! I feel this deep urge to run, to train, to push myself to new limits, yet my mind finds so many reasons to say NO!

As if the Universe was trying to tell me something, I heard yet another great podcast from our friends at The Art of Charm. This podcast started as an interview with immigrant entrepreneurs and shifted to a stunning focus on our own fears that are masking our intuition. They described a magic on the other side of that wall of FEAR we have created. They explained that fear is really your mind protecting you from what it perceives as a threat to your safety but in actuality is your intuition trying to give you the life you really want...yet you are sabotaging it. I was floored.

What a concept right? YOU are putting up a wall of fear to keep yourself from doing what could make your life amazing! They suggested that you name 5 big things that you are scared to do and go do them. They urged that not only would you have the life you always wanted but that you would be an entirely new person. I have to admit, I was very intrigued. I went home and made my list.

As I sat looking at my list, I realized these things are not that wild or outrageous, but they are intimate fears...or I should say I have a lot of fear around the idea of doing these things. I'm not ready to share ALL 5 of my fears with the world, but guess what one of them was? Yep, long distance running.

As a child, I was a ballerina. I loved ballet with my entire heart and soul and I was good at it too. At a breathtakingly young age I was dancing on point (those unfamiliar with the term, it refers to the fancy toe shoes that allow a dancer to dance on her tippy toes...it is totally badass) and planning my career. Life threw me a curve ball and long story short, I quit dancing. It was complicated why, it involved a move to a new state and a huge ego (my own). Anyway, it continues to be my one real regret. When I started running, there was something that clicked in the back of my head that said 'this is similar to the dedication it takes to be a dancer, you can do this' and yet, it isn't out of love for the sport that I run. It is almost like it is so I can prove something to myself, I'm not a quitter. I can see myself through the pain and accomplish these insane goals...as if seeing this through will give me redemption for a lost dream of long ago.

I know that this doesn't make sense. I know logically I can not erase choices I have made in my past. I know that there is no race that will fill the void I allow to reside in my chest; that constant nagging that tells me I screwed up. But I think I am seeing it for the 1st time and THAT is progress. Maybe I was suppose to be a ballerina, maybe I wasn't. Maybe that wasn't my one thing. Maybe, if I stop sabotaging myself I could see that I have the ability to be an athlete in many forms.

I almost didn't run today, I sat and let fear creep into the base of my skull and the excuses bubble up. I tend to let my mind wander from the training run that is in-front of me to the end goal and I scare the crap out of myself by saying "whoa, how can you run 28+ miles when you can't even get out the door for 5!" then, I looked at my list of 5 fears and realized that I don't want to live in fear any longer. I want to own my life, I want to truly live my life. I want to forgive myself.

I went for my run.

It was beautiful.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Happiness

OK peeps, I have a time crunch going on today. Urgent Holiday celebration activities to be had with the kiddo. So instead of my normal droning on about pain and anguish, I am actually giving you all homework!

Today on my long run, which is actually a "repair" week so a lite 5 miler, I listened to another Art of Charm podcast and was blown away by it. It was about Happiness and how it influences success. It is an interview with Shawn Achor who has a book and shows and a TED Talk and backs his theories with scientific data so no woowoo stuff here which is maybe why I was able to hear it more clearly than some of the other approaches people have taken when talking about Happiness.  This one is pure gold. This is your homework...you MUST listen to it! Here is the link, scroll down the page to find the episode I'm talking about:

http://theartofcharmpodcast.com/2014/11/24/shawn-achor-happiness-advantage-episode-344/

Maybe it was the strange fog that we woke up to that made the run today mysteriously beautiful, or the smell of damp earth that buoyed my senses, it could be that it is a "rest week", but it was probably this incredible podcast that made me excited to be running. OR...maybe someone slipped crack in my coffee this morning.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Breaking Bad

My last post claimed I would stop "bashing" running. So I stopped posting.

I tried to write happy posts, focus on the things I like or enjoy about running. Every blog sucked.

Then I realized that people read blogs because they are real. They are absolutely honest. If you wanted a glossy editorial you'd be reading Runner's World...which you should also read because it is a great magazine. But what I do is share my experience of running...the good, the bad, and the ugly. It seems I have a whole lot more ugly than most people, but that doesn't mean it is bashing. In fact, maybe running is the one bashing me!

Anyway, I have decided to take a look at my relationship with running (again!), my deep resistance to it. What is my damn problem? Maybe it is lack of habit, maybe it is that I think I should run at the pace I ran when I was in shape and now I'm a lazy beast running a full 2 minutes/ mile slower...and it still hurts! Maybe I have allowed myself to adopt the idea that running equals pain, there for it is pain. Maybe I like to hate running?

Obviously I haven't figured much out or I would have started the blog off with an all caps declaration and not this blathering complaining. I did started reevaluating though and it started with my long run last week. 8 super slow miles on my regular route. All and all it wasn't that bad. Then I got home and the mistake of taking the wrong supplements prior to my run caught up with me and intense nausea hit. For the 1/2 hour before I realized my error, I laid on the floor and swore that running would be the death of me. My hubby took that opportunity to share that pain can be all in our head. Thanks honey.

Of course, as always, he did have a point. Given that was bad timing, but so much of what we tell ourselves manifests into actual physical pain. Our thoughts effect our will power and it is fact that training the mind can drastically change your life by making even small things habit. Definitely food for thought. If I stop saying "this is going to hurt" before each run...will it in fact still hurt?

As if on cue, the podcast my hubby/ coach listens to called The Art of Charm welcomed my Monday run. An episode about a device that breaks bad habits called "pavlok"chimed in my ears as I somewhat depressingly jogged 3 miles. The concept is that this thing actually shocks you should you not show up to the gym on time or go on your run (or it shocks you if you smoke a cigarette when you are trying to quit). The marketing guy for the device was a true salesmen and quickly had me mentally bookmarking the site so I could get mine. Nothing like pairing a painful activity with a painful reminder...sounds right up my alley. My lack of excitement in combination with the idea of this shut-up-and-do-it device challenged me yet again. Why AM I running? What the hell am I doing out here on the side of the road other than perfecting my farmer's blow?! (for those of you unfamiliar with this lady like activity, it is when you blow snot out one side of your nose while running...with no tissue)

I know you are all waiting for me to be funny or close with an insightful message, but I have nothing for you. I haven't figured out the key to 'happy running' or even why I keep doing this to myself. But I did meditate for 5 minutes prior to running today and low and behold, I was able to detach from the pain. It isn't that I was unaware of the stiff muscles or that it suddenly felt good, but I didn't attach meaning to those sensations. Maybe I can actually break the habit of hating running. Maybe.

Maybe I just need a glass of wine.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Bashing: America's Favorite Pastime

Last Sunday I fell and bashed my head onto our concrete floor. The mild concussion from the incident meant no running...all week. Talk about a blow (no pun intended) to my training. Funny how if I feel like being lazy and not running it is no big deal, but take running FROM me and I'm pissed! Anyway, the severe headaches and inability to concentrate left me in bed pondering many things. Everything was under inspection...relationships, what I want my life to look like, work...you name it. Part of the pondering was simply looking at things differently, standing back to see events or interactions without attachment or judgement, and it was interesting what stood out to me.

People love to bash things, people, places, anything. People love to complain and get others to see their point, yell as loud as they can that they are right and they have been wronged. I realize how ironic it is that I type these words on a blog known for complaining...but hang in there with me. It seems like the prevalent tone these days is seeing the negative and making sure everyone hears about it. I get it, I'm a complainer too, but for once it stood out clearer than just the daily blah blah blah. The ingrained sense of 'I'm right' and the destruction that it can cause.

This past week was intense. Not only did I bash my head, but my son is suffering from migraines and nausea brought on by anxiety. He is only 8 and the news is tough for us to take, we are those kind of parents that want to protect our child from everything...yep he is an only child...yep we know we can't actually protect him from everything. But what was surprising is the amount of feedback from people that want to bash the school or teachers or us! We weren't sharing this information with people in order to hear their rude opinions. Why do you need to bash our parenting to make your point?

Then we had an incident with an employee and a customer. Our employee was attached to 'being right'. The dreaded public outrage cried out over Facebook and it went from a person voicing their understandable frustration to personal attacks. I have a pretty thick skin when it comes to stuff like this and the winery, this is my domain, my job at the winery and I sooth those that are upset when needed, but for my winemaker husband and my winemaker brother-in-law it was very personal. I wondered, would these people say these things to the hard working winemakers that put their heart and soul into these wines if they were face to face? Where does it cross the line from opinion to cruelty? When did people start thinking they didn't need to be held accountable for their actions just because it is out on social media? We are holding our employee accountable for her actions so shouldn't those now being out of line do the same?

As we approach Thanksgiving and the Holidays, you would think people would be focused on kindness, but instead social media is inundated with bashing. Even a "Gluten Free Recipes for Thanksgiving" post by a popular magazine was strewn with hateful comments about people that are gluten free! Really people, I should "go suck a big fat one" because I am among those that are not celiac yet feel ill when I eat wheat? Really, the decline of our society is due to my "annoying" eating habits? Why don't you just ignore it and go on your merry wheat eating way? Why the bashing?

So this Holiday season, don't forget that our voices carry weight. There are real people receiving your messages and lives being impacted. People with hopes and dreams, fears and worries; people trying to make it day to day and care for their families. Maybe we can each consider being a little more forgiving, a little more understanding and bash a little less?

I even promise to step it up and use my own words more constructively. When I complain about running...which I hope to be back up and doing starting tomorrow, I will focus on the benefits of what I'm doing and stop bashing the activity itself. After all, running is just a thing that is available for me to do, it isn't running's fault that I don't like it. Even if I feel I am right for hating it.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

If You Have Nothing Nice to Say...Come Sit Next to Me.

I have to say I continue to be a little surprised by how much feedback I get about this blog. I had no idea people liked to hear me hate running so much, until I took this recent 4 month sit-on-my-butt-and-do-nothing vacation. People have come out of the woodwork asking me to start running again so the blog could get back to what I do best...complaining. So here you go my peeps...

Monday I actually started my new training. I set out on that brisk morning feeling inspired (or maybe it was fear), but as you can imagine, the 4 months of nothing felt very heavy as I heaved my body down the road. I finished the run and did NOT lay on the floor crying... so all in all, it was a successful 1st run.

Tuesday morning I woke to a screaming body. My legs burned and twitched in pain with every move. Even my abs were sore. That day's run was a little scary. It took most of the run to warm up and have a bit more ease to my gate. So, not only was the run painful, I also ran like a jerk because all my coordination went out the window when my body seized up. The podcast I listened to that day was about all the suicides off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco...very fitting.

Wednesday, I couldn't move. My lovingly mean husband/ coach looked amused when I said I couldn't run that day. Evidently taking the day off was not an option. He said I at least needed to walk. I would have kicked him, but my legs wouldn't move.

I did as I was told and geared up for a run. I opted for the treadmill since I feared a run out on the road would leave me stranded somewhere unable to get home after my legs broke off my body and I lay there with bloody stumps, my dismembered pieces strewn about me. I made it 1 mile. Ya, no joke. I have gone from my last training with long runs of 16 miles to a pile of mush after 1 mile. I almost decided to pour myself a glass of wine to deal with the blow to my psyche. But instead I decided to punish myself with some cross training exercises.  As sweat dripped down my face and I shook from the exertion, I imagined how happy my "coach" would be to see me suffering like this.  He is a sick sick man.

Today I rest, tomorrow is my long run. The training schedule will ramp up my miles quickly to get me to the point where I can start on the "serious" runs, but I can't look ahead, I can't think about it, I have to simply take each day and do my best. If I give myself even a moment to look at this training and what I will have to do, I may actually end up on a certain bridge in San Francisco.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

I'm Baaaack!

You know the shower scene with the iconic musical score that is the film "Psycho"? That was the sound of me putting on my running shoes this morning.

YES, I finally went for a run.

It was horrible.

I decided, over a glass of wine (how I always get sucked into stupid plans), that I would start training and in fact run the race in the spring I have been considering. This means I had to count backwards from the race date an appropriate number of weeks for training. I found out I am WAY out of shape and need to already be running 16 mile long runs. This is not good. But as my coach (AKA my husband) eagerly cheered me on and planned my training, he also encouraged me to buy new running shoes...you can get me to do just about anything if new shoes are involved. I can't help it, it is a disease. So this morning I had no other choice but to go on my 1st training run. Ouch.

Many people, mostly avid runners, say 'oh man I really haven't been running!' but that means they have been running, but not training, so they are in a loop of shorter runs. When I say I haven't been running, I mean it...I HAVE NOT BEEN RUNNING. Nothing, no exercise at all, for 4 months. I know, it is totally gross. You can imagine how painful today's run was in light of this information. I think I have blood pooling in my lungs.

As I ran, I was thinking about the great things people do, not because I was inspired, but because the podcast I was listening to was droning on about it...I'm not that creative when I'm close to a heart attack. I felt like such a looser, people are out there changing the world and I can't even go out for a short run. In fact now I'm also mad that I let myself completely quit and become a tub of lard. My knee might even be hurting. I suck at running. Maybe this is the dumbest idea ever, who do I think I am jumping into training like this?

I finished the run, quite the feat with my loathsome self talk.

Now as I am writing to all of you... I  am eating cold pizza (hey I had to reward myself for running didn't I?) and staring at the most daunting training schedule I have approached yet. I am officially training for Cedro Peak's 45K Ultra Marathon.

I hope there is enough wine on the planet to get me through this.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

The Others

Piggy backing on my last post about the support crews...I'm highlighting the "support crew" that actually gets you out on those runs. You know the ones, the friends that are still running while you have taken a sabbatical to sit on the sofa and eat potato chips. They chirp excitedly about their PR (personal record) and how beautiful their morning jog was. They post glamorous selfies on Facebook for you to peruse as you slump in your chair and reflect on just how long it has been since you went for a run...3 weeks? 4? Who knows at this point, but somehow these friends and their perky attitude draw you out of that running hibernation and inspire you.

Or in my case, encourage me to watch a movie with a bag of chocolate chips. I have zero want to run, it is like a disease has taken hold of my brain and even thinking about running has a backfire result of LESS running! That is a talent by the way...to run less than not running at all.

But then there are the back-to-the-gym friends that had been your sofa allies only now to have fallen victim to the inspirational stories about running they saw online. These "supporters" are the worse. These people turn on you and while they were the buddies you called to have drinks on the patio at 3:00 with hot wings and talk about everything BUT running, they now tell you how great it is to be back running or working out and try to encourage you to get off your flabby butt and join them. My eyes can't help but glaze over with these people.

And then there is that one supporter that knows just how to get to you. For me, that person is my husband and coach. He has silently let me take a break, work on my health issues and become a lazy wad of snotty Kleenex. Then out of no where, he blows the dust off my treadmill and walks for 40 mins. This may seem like nothing to most of you, but my ultra runner hubby could be running outside in the fall leaves enjoying the crisp air...but he isn't, he is WALKING in the stuffy house on the treadmill...and he hates the treadmill. So what is this all about? Subtlety. With a simple walk, he guilt tripped me into putting my running shoes on.

He didn't say a word. He simply walked for 40mins. By the time he was done, I had my running shoes on and was prepared to spread my butter like body on the treadmill. I didn't have any grand ideas, I too was just going to walk. Walking I could handle. Walking was a first step.

This walking exbidition was followed up by a talk last night where I ventured to say I might want to go for a run in the morning. Our conversation went as follows:

Coach: "Will you run before you take our son to school or after?"

Me: "After, I can't get up early enough to run before."

Coach: "Will you dress in running clothes to do the school drop off?"

Me: "I see what you are doing here...yes, I will dress in running clothes."

Coach: "Where will you run to?"

Me: "I'm loosing interest in this run."

Coach: "Well talking about it is a start. Maybe it will happen tomorrow, maybe another day."

He is a clever man. A very clever man.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Running a Runner

There are no excuses, I STILL am not running.  I have had one of THE busiest event seasons EVER, but still, I know better than to say 'I just couldn't make the time', we can always make the time, we choose not to.

Anyway, believe it or not, today's blog isn't going to be about me complaining about running (or not running), but as a suggestion from my sister-in-law Liliana...and to distract you from the fact that I continue to avoid running, I will be writing about the support a runner needs. We have been supporting our runner husbands for years and as we take up running ourselves, we see the support that comes in to help us.

A runner in training requires massive support from those around them. Not only does the running  itself take as much time as a second job, but there is the emotional support a runner needs. There are  the highs that require an excited response of "oh wow honey that is so great you love your new running socks that much!" and the lows "honey you are not a complete failure in life because you have an injury". Each high and each low are dense with meaning for the runner and supporters, it requires the entire family to rally behind the runner. Even our small children have a part to play, they make signs for races and excitedly quiz their parent about the distance ran and what they saw on the run.

It doesn't stop there though. There are the middle of the night alarms that rouse the runner...and wake you up too. There is the constant lack of food in the house as the runner eats anything and everything that isn't nailed down and then there is the laundry. Running clothes require special drying being made out of synthetic materials so the house is constantly draped in stinky sweat laden clothing or clean drying clothes draped over every last piece of furniture. Usually is is a combination of both. I have actually considered buying a clothing store hanging rack for the house.

Finally there is the race itself. Races always start at the butt crack so the runner can get a good distance down the course in the cool of the night, but this means the support crew is cold...in the dark...and miserable as they send their runner off with cheers. Is it back to bed for the family while the runner runs? Hell no! We have a job to do! Now we must track our runner and camp out at specific spots with a bag of necessities...changes of clothing, food and of course to be a catcher as your runner decides they only need to shed a jacket or other layers. The catcher has to be one of the most demeaning of jobs as you find yourself mid way through your cheer of "you're doing great!" only to catch a mouth full of sweaty clothing.

We have even taken family trips entirely built around a race, we have spent countless hours discussing running strategies, goals and injuries, we have taken on the "sport of running" with our runners without glory or even much thanks, so you might wonder why a family wouldn't simply put their foot down and say NO to this ridiculousness. The truth is, there is nothing like the feeling of waiting at the finish line, anticipation and adrenaline pulsing through your own veins,  packed in next to all the other supporters sharing stories, there is a real sense of community felt here. Then finally seeing your runner pushing their limits and cross the finish line; there are always tears. To be there and witness the journey of willpower and perseverance is truly remarkable. Our children run out to finish the last steps of the race along side their parent, beaming with pride, and you welcome those sweat soaked hugs of joy...or sometimes disappointment when a race doesn't go well. Suddenly it is clear that the family has been a team, a lesson that can't be articulated as clearly as felt at a moment like this and it can choke up even the hardest of hearts.

So today we say CHEERS to the support crews, for every runner, no matter how big or small the race, needs them. Thank you to all of our family and friends that listen to our boring stories, are there at races, hold our hands when we cry through self doubt and all of you that read this blog.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Deadman Walking

My running shoes came out of hiding!

No, I still didn't run. I am still working on my adrenals and while I am feeling MUCH better and starting to have better energy levels, I continue to feel very taxed. BUT I did put my running shoes on and go for a hike. Baby steps right?

On the flip side of the coin is my brother-in-law who is currently on his taper preparing for another  Marathon.  I think this is his millionth Marathon. OK maybe not his millionth, but I have lost count he has run so many. It is amazing to me how easy it looks for some people to run these distances. I know it isn't easy, my brother-in-law works hard at it, but man it sure looks effortless. I find training to run the 26.2 miles daunting and while I have completed one full Marathon, somehow when you are surrounded by Marathon runners, it seems weak to have only done one.

I know I am going to be able to get the hang of this. I want to be one of those runners that other people look at and say "why is it so easy for her?". I want to be able to go for a run and not complain.

Later today I meet with the race director for Deadman's Ultra (one of the races our winery sponsors). The same race that was my husband's 1st Ultra...and for those of you that aren't familiar with what an Ultra is, it is any distance ABOVE 26.2. Deadman is 53 miles. Off road. Brutal. When you talk to people that are Ultra Runners, your appreciation of running goes through the roof. Here I can hardly get my butt out the door for a short run and these people run for...well forever. The race director is currently training for a 100 miler. Yep, 100 MILES! She is amazing. She is also the race director for the Cedro Peak Ultras (which we also sponsor) which includes what she calls a "baby ultra" 45K (28 miles). She is not so subtly coercing me into running that race next spring.

OK so now you guys are saying 'what the hell? She isn't running at all, she opened this blog complaining about the Marathon distance and now the psycho is saying she is thinking about an Ultra?' I am aware that sounds crazy and no I'm not drunk, but I realize as I write this, that I seem to only get my act together when I am scared to death. And what better way to scare the you-know-what out of yourself than sign up for a brutal off road "baby ultra"?

Wow, just thinking about that makes me thirsty, who wants to go grab a drink and be scared with me?

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

For Sickness and Health

Wouldn't you know it, just as I was gearing up to finally hit the road again...I caught a horrible cold. Some say exercise actually helps you to avoid sickness, but I have never heard that from a Doctor so I can't really trust that. Some say 'two glasses of wine a day keeps the Doctor away' and while I am sure that has never been uttered by a medical professional, it is a proverb from Spain and should be taken seriously since it is ancient advice...something along the line of needing to trust your elders on this one. And so as the cold took root in my bones, I did NOT exercise, but I did drink wine. I did not get better. In fact, I got worse. However, I'm sure it was not the fault of the wine, wine is my friend.

Day 3 of this nasty beast living inside me and I am finally exorcising it out. I realize I should finally combat this cold with actual running...not the imaginary running I am doing in my head, you know planning your outfit and route but never acting on it? But instead I think I will have Rosé with my lunch today, after all, I don't want to be disrespectful to our elders.

To tell you the truth, I am scared. I am scared to start running again after taking so much time off. I am scared that my legs have atrophied, my lungs are going to stick together and my head will pound in the unrelenting chant 'you can't do this, you can't do this...' and I will be starting from square one. As you can imagine, this kind of thinking keeps my running shoes in the closet pretty easily. Yet I know that I CAN do it, that it doesn't matter if I am starting at square one because I know that I have it in me to accomplish a difficult goal and press on when things gets hard. I've done it before.

Here is the thing, running is the wringing out of your insecurities and pushing you when you think you have nothing left. Each and every one of us deserve to have that revelation. I obviously need that lesson again.

So raise a glass in cheers to our elders, for they knew that exercise and wine was good for you long long ago.

(This blog was brought to you by the ever so delicious Rosé of Dolcetto that Vivac Winery makes so well.)

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Liar Liar Pants on Fire

So what the hell happened? I promised I was coming back and then I left you all hanging. I obviously lied.

As time passed and running seemed to become a faint memory, a dream that I couldn't quite place, it became easier and easier to simply not do it. You know what I'm talking about, the I-was-a-runner? syndrome. My stamina had become nonexistent the last few times I ran and even low mileage runs were difficult. I was becoming permanently exhausted. My lack of motivation was at joke level and effecting everything. My body seemed to have turned on me and it wasn't pretty.

Then I threw out my back (something that doesn't happen when I am running oddly enough). No, I wasn't lifting something heavy or doing something crazy, I was sleeping. Now how someone can throw out their back while sleeping seems to be a mystery, but the fact that I did meant that my body had waged a war against me and I needed to do something about it.

Long story short, my friend that is a wholistic Doctor (Western Medicine Doctors cue eye rolling)  took pity on me and a few tests later (yes actual lab tests for those of you still rolling your eyes),  and it turns out my hormone levels are out of whack, my adrenals are shot and my thyroid isn't doing what it needs to. All my symptoms that I attributed to running trying to kill me, were my hormones freaking out! Running is still probably trying to kill me, but maybe now I will have a fighting chance.

So...now I am diligently taking the outrageous number of supplements to get things working and those running shoes back on my feet. True I have not actually hit the road as of yet, but I am writing this blog again which has to be a good sign right?

Raise your glass and cheers with me to new beginnings! And someone please tell me where my running shoes are hiding.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Viva La Revolucion

(photo of my wine maker husband, Jesse, my son, Denim, and myself at my friend's wedding)

It's incredible how quickly a month goes by isn't it?

Last I left you with the determination to put Dr. Jack in his place. The running professional had given me a run for my money and I was realizing I couldn't keep up. I told all of you how I would start over and show the world a new, stronger me.

Since that last blog, I have done nothing. Yep... nothing, nada, ziltch. I'd like to say I feel bad about it, but the truth is...I don't.

I heard from several of you that my incessant complaining actually inspires you to get to the gym or hit the road and without my droning on about pain and suffering, you actually loose your own resolve. I realize it was selfish to stay quite for this past month, please accept my apology.

And...let the complaining commence!

So just what the hell did happen to me? I intended to run, I scheduled it...then slept through alarms and sipped coffee while looking at my running shoes. I did do some of my favorite weight dvds, but that was less about training and more about making my butt look good in my Maid of Honor dress.  You see, my friend was getting married in Los Angeles and being Maid of Honor, I needed to make sure I looked good!

I gladly agreed to spend the 2 weeks leading up to my friend's wedding with her in LA. I pictured these 2 weeks full of early morning spin classes and running on the beach. I imagined biking on the strand and taking advantage of the incredible number of exercise classes offered at the LA gyms. I accomplished none of that.

I did dress in running clothes one day and proceed to run wedding errands all day in my running clothes...then decide it was drinking time. What? I didn't say I'd stopped drinking!

Needless to say, I did plenty of "Fueling" and absolutely no running. I returned home and continued my lazy, quite revolt against training. I have decided I have a hormone imbalance. Surely THAT is why I am unable to will myself onto the road right?

For those of you looking for inspiration, hang in there, I feel with a bit more "Fueling" I will get back on track and have plenty to complain about!

*This blog was brought to you by Vivac Chardonnay, Vivac Dolcetto, Vivac Nebbiolo & our newly released Vivac Pinot Noir. Oh and about a case of California wines mixed in.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Breaking up is Hard to do

It is important to recognize when enough is enough. Like an abusive relationship, you need to be able to look at what you have set up for yourself and critically analyze if it is doing you good or doing you harm. 

My last long run required too much of my body and I realized as I laid on the floor groaning, that I am simply too beat down. After having taken a few days off running, I had thought I would bounce back stronger than ever, but instead ended up with severe cramping. The mental strain of this set back was crushing and maybe tougher even than the physical pain. Almost...my legs freakin killed me!

I have decided that I need to be realistic about my expectations. I have never done any kind of speed work before, I always ran the miles required by a training plan. The run-the-miles idea is great for the 'I just want to finish' kind of race, but I actually want to shave several minutes off my pace (I know who do I think I am, an Olympic athlete?), which requires intense horrific beat down workouts.  I bit off more than I could chew.

The Marathon in the fall has been rolled over to next year and I am currently looking for one in January some time. This will give me time to start over. It was not an easy decision to make, but a necessary one.

So now, Dr Jack, as I take on round 2 with your training plan, I am bringing everything I've got and going to kick some serious butt! She says as she reaches for her liquid courage.

*This blog was brought to you today by 3 glasses of Vivác Syrah.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

The Rising Sun

At 5:30am the air is crisp and cool. The sound of my feet hitting the pavement echos off the cascading rock walls along the road. The sky is filled with violet colored thick clouds and the giant old cottonwood trees of town sleepily reach toward them. Soon, as the sun stretches it's arms over the cover of clouds, a fuchsia streak snakes its way across the sky. It is exquisite.

If only the running itself was so exquisite.

I was absolutely naughty this past week and didn't run...at all. I meant to, but each morning when that hideous alarm went off and my bed felt just right, I groaned and put the pillow over my head. It was the white flag of signs to my husband who mercifully allowed me to go back to sleep. And so the week slipped by! Now, as a new week started, it was clear that we needed to get back at it. I even optimistically thought my legs may be really strong after the mini vacation, but guess what? They were not. Because I'm in training...and training is a type of Hell.

9 miles of knee pain and a ridiculous effort to hit a deathly slow pace, I came scretching into the house. I tried to ease the pain by drinking water, but finally picked up my cell phone and texted 3 words to my mom... "I hate running".

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

The Yo-yo of Running

Well people, I'd like to say I have some words of wisdom this week or insight, but I don't. I continue to be an ass. I am training in a haphazard manner where I take off from running crucial runs to go white water rafting, I stick in weight workouts and then am too sore to complete the miles outlined by Dr. Jack, the professional running coach I only half listen to. This is definitely not proper training.

In addition, I seem to be a yo-yo of highs and lows. Heading out on a long run this past week, I started feeling great and even after 7 miles was confidant and strong...then leg cramping set in and I could hardly limp in the last of the 12 mile run. Serves me right, I was getting a little cocky and actually had congratulated myself at the beginning of the run for being able to run 12 miles like it was nothing. HA!

As I continue to tumble in this sea of pain, my brother-in-law, Chris, managed to pull off a high altitude Marathon this past weekend. I have mentioned before Chris' seemingly effortless ability with running, but it never ceases to amaze me. He trained, but his training doesn't look like mine. He seems to be able to go from a running break to Marathon shape in a few weeks and then run fast and finish his 6th Marathon happy and feeling great! It doesn't seem fair. Why is it so easy for him and so hard for me?

My hubby lovingly answered this question "it isn't 'easy' for anyone, but no one complains about it as much as you do."

Thanks babe, now pass the wine.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Follow La Luz

"I read your blog" his voice reverberated through the phone, deep and sultry. My Husband has one of those rich deep voices that sounds like melted dark chocolate sprinkled with sea salt...a touch gravely.

So he read the last blog...hmmm...how bad did I make him sound in that one?

"What did you think?" I asked, always hopeful that he liked it and a bit fearful of his brutal honesty.

"I laughed a lot! Very funny. What did you call me? oh ya, The Liar, ya it was really funny."

Thank God! The thing is, as much as I like to play up the cruelty of the training and pin it on him, since he is my coach, I adore my hubby. He is charming and funny and hello, he is a wine maker! Oh and he takes my abuse as I train.

"So what is the plan for tomorrow?" His attention already past the blog, my complaining and my dark depiction of him. "Where are you going to do your long run?" ever the coach.

I've been in Albuquerque for a week while our son goes to a summer camp. For those unfamiliar, Albuquerque is a large city located in the middle of New Mexico and is hideously hot in the summer...think Hell only hotter. Albuquerque does have its perks though. The city has all kinds of running trails and bike paths, one of which I tried out just a few days ago.

The run had been recommended and portrayed as "beautiful", silly me I pictured the lush green bike path of Eugene, Oregon or the tree lined one in Boulder, Colorado, but this is Albuquerque...this one was along a glorified culvert. Not pretty. I did glimpse a pretty section down in the trees a few yards from the path, but running alone and having already been propositioned by 3 homeless men, I was not eager to be alone in the 'rape me' territory. Maybe I went the wrong direction on the path? Anyway, I was not looking forward to another long run there.

I asked my coach for ideas and after a short Q & A about the week's training workouts, he said "I think you need to do 'La Luz', it will be a fast walk/ hike up and a slow jog down and probably just what you need to have a little metal, emotional and physical reprieve yet get a great workout." his voice was like melted butter sliding down my spine with a tingle and the cherry on top of the awesome idea of a 'break run'. This was JUST what I needed!

'La Luz' is a trail in the mountains of Albuquerque that takes you up to the top of the Tram, a must do if you are visiting...uhhh the Tram is a must do, the hike there is optional. The trail is also an infamous run due to its steep incline. But I was given the gift of walking it...my coach is awesome.

The next day at 8AM and 80 degrees, I excitedly started up the trail, happy to see other hikers (I secretly feared being attacked by a mountain lion or bit by a snake on this trail, but seeing so many people here I was sure would scare most of the animals away). The steep incline was no joke, but I felt good! I actually was able to run most of the way, well except for the parts that require you to literally climb over boulders and navigate exposed tree roots, but otherwise I was totally killing it! The decent was tricky and indeed a slow jog, but I reached the car feeling positively happy! WHAT? Me happy after running for 2 hours? Ya, it was totally crazy.

Turns out all this insane training might actually be working! Somehow I did more than I needed to and was feeling strong. Somehow I had transformed from the broken person of just a few days ago.

...and then I woke up the following day unable to get out of bed. Help! Someone hand me the phone, I need to call The Liar...I mean my coach.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Lie To Me

The word that keeps coming to mind is 'broken'. I have gone from a point where I felt strong and capable in my running to a sudden and constant state of being... 'broken'. 

Jesse, my loving husband and cruel coach, promises me this IS the point of the Jack Daniels training. I think it is important that I point out what a lier I think Jesse is. I also hate Jack Daniels (a.k.a "Jackass", my nickname for the Doctor and professional running coach). Jesse started lying some time ago, a sprinkling here and there, but now it is all the time and it is very confusing...especially when you are 'broken'. He started with things like "you are doing great!" or "nice job today!", but on a recent "easy run" I realized it is pathological.

The alarm sounded at 5:15am. I had just fallen asleep after spending the entire night freaking out about having to get up and run so early. Ya, really awesome that I could keep myself awake panicked about this. I am not a morning person. As an irritable waker upper, waking up to take my 'broken' body out for a run sounded terrible, doing it at 5am was enough to put me in the grave. I decided we should run with our ipods, a first, but like I said, this was desperate and I couldn't even try to speak I was so distraught. 

Mornings in Dixon, our idyllic community, are truly amazing. The sun sparkled through the chartreuse green tree leaves and glinted off the tractors that rumbled awake. It was beautiful. Not that I said so when my chipper hubby joyously proclaimed it. I think he got a grunt as acknowledgment that he had said something. 

I'll spare you all the details of the run, but it was NOT an "easy run" and I felt that my coach was a truly mean SOB. But I did manage to tell him that Dixon was the most beautiful place on earth first thing in the morning. See, I'm a good sport sometimes.

I would have written about that run sooner, but being 'broken' means this blog comes harder and slower, I keep stalling hoping the next run I will have something clever or witty to say or maybe I'll be inspired and can share something great. Then the liar tells me we will "just do a simple run" that means no Dr. Jackass add ons, just running the miles. This sounds like a vacation and lures me out on a long run.

Almost to the top of the hideous steep road to the neighboring town of Penasco, I started to dwell on my husband's lying. I swear he said the mile finished "just around the corner", yet I was still huffing up a grueling incline well past several "corners". I realized he always said things like that or "just a little further" or "it'll be easy" all lies. Finally at the top we turned around and looked down at the steep decent back home. I suddenly had the heart thudding realization that this sicko was going to make me run fast down this hill from Hell. You could see by the gleam in his eye and the way he started to tell me about strategies for running down hill well that I was doomed. I stood there 'broken' wishing for an escape.

*I do have to add in that my husband is actually an incredible coach. I only tell you are the horrible stuff, but he is supportive and encouraging and puts a great deal of time and energy into figuring out what will get you to the next level...a level YOU have picked and asked for help to get to so it is important that I say that I asked for this. 

Apparently there was no escape and my coach waited for me to catch my breath and stop my panic attack. He then looked me in the eye and lied some more. "You got this", "This will be fun", "Just do what you can".

A heart attack and a half later, I find myself hurtling down this hill at a breakneck pace trying to best my fastest minute mile...EVER. The beeping of Jesse's watch announcing the finish of that mile was like tasting the liquid gold of a great Sauternes wine (sorry, I actually don't know any experiences to use as an example of pure pleasure other than wine...well I could think of another, but I'm trying to keep this under an R rating). I folded forward 'broken' from pain. My head thumped, my stomach twisted, my lungs heaved and my legs...oh man, my legs seared with deep bone crushing pain. I looked up into the happy eyes of my coach who announced my winning time and wondered, if I asked him to, would he go get the car? He must have read my mind because he took that moment to say "oh, it isn't that bad". Liar!

After the miracle mile, I was done for. Imagine a favorite shirt that has been worn past feather softness, worn past a hole or two, worn to the point that the stitching is letting go at the seams. That was me. I tried to jog at a reasonable pace as coach cheered "you're kicking ass!", but my stomach was in sever knots and I literally had giant buzzards flocking over head. The heat beat down on the pavement and the liar announced "you'll be fine". You would never know this was the down hill portion of the run from the pain and effort it took to propel my wretch of a body forward. Finally, I had nothing left. Nothing. 

I walked the last mile home, a mentally crippling event, and collapsed on the floor. Every part of my body ached. Jesse proudly told me "honey you did great!". I turned my 'broken' soul toward him and said "I quit".

Turns out I'm a liar too. I have quit a handful of times now and I keep finding myself out on another run. Maybe you need to be a liar to push yourself to do something that scares you, maybe you need someone to lie to you so that you continue to have hope. Maybe the lies are all I have left.

-Cheers from the Vivac Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Seeing God

It has taken me over a week to write a new blog post. The 'Gas Line' run tore me down to my core and while I managed to choke back the tears that day, my emotional fragility lasted for 3 days. For 3 days after that run I couldn't talk about the run. Hot tears would stream down my cheeks and I would manage to say "it was hard". On day 3, I saw God on a treadmill in an Albuquerque hotel.

I don't know how to explain what it feels like to break your body down to the point that you have only the base elements of who you are left...what you are really made of. What ARE you capable of? You don't really know until you are there, truly broken and pushing.

Running painfully slow on the treadmill in an Albuquerque hotel, starring at a blank wall, willing myself to keep my feet moving, I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of awe. The wonder of my undeniable commitment to push myself and it sounds silly, but it was a glimmer of God (or whatever name you want to use). I suddenly realized on a whole new level the infinite beauty of the human body and what we are capable of. I thought of the intense wonder of the universe and the devastatingly gorgeous photos of a birth of a star that my 7 year old son loves. My son will look at these images and say "you know we all are made of star dust" and while this is scientifically true it is also a poetically beautiful statement that makes us all very interconnected. As my pain stricken legs continued to push forward on the treadmill my sense of awe warmed into a sense of deep love for everything in my life. I thought about looking into my child's eyes and the amazing person he is and that he came from me, I made this person, this person that has his own unique intense gifts. I know this sounds totally and completely crazy and lets face it, it feels that way too, but I am currently in a process that is unlike anything else I have ever experienced up to this point in my life and I'm just not sure how to explain it.

Now all the heavily religious people out there, please don't get the wrong idea, I'm not going to join you at church, I am still the muddle of religious backgrounds married to an Atheist.

With the lingering awe of a crazy lady, I some how thought witnessing this insight would bring me comfort on the next brutally horrible run. Turns out it doesn't matter how much understanding or appreciation you have...you still have to get your ass through the run without dying.


Friday my coach made me run 4 miles to a steep hill and do "hill repeats". What are hill repeats? Well it is what it sounds like...only worse. At the very steepest part of the hill, you are forced to run as hard and fast as you can (with correct form: on the balls of your feet with knees high) for 45 seconds. 45 seconds doesn't sound that long until you are sure you are going to die. Then you do it again, and again. I do not have the words to describe what the pain of going full out up a hill feels like, but I can tell you that I am VERY familiar with the sensation of keeping vomit at the back of my throat. After this fun torture, you just run the 4 miles back home! The run home was slow, painful and full of self doubt. What the hell am I doing out here?

If God is on the treadmill, the Devil is on the road.

Today, was a recovery run. I feel like my legs were secretly borrowed by someone that ran a Marathon and hung the sorry used legs in a closet and I accidentally put them on. They feel entirely unfamiliar. In addition to the pain, this training is not what I thought, not only am I not getting faster, I am actually going the other way and running slower! Not only do the long runs hurt, but the short runs are devastating. My legs hurt all the time and the grit it takes to not cry and scream and throw things is pushing me to my limit. I am either going to become a Saint from this, or end up in the looney bin.

Today I am grateful to have my stupid, horrible run over with and I pour myself a glass of wine and let the hot tears fall into it. Each tear splashing into the glass, a silent prayer that I twist my ankle and can quit running.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Can You Say Steep?

Where do I start with this run.

As we got our young son ready for school this morning, my coach and loving husband asked "hills or sprints?". I hadn't even had my coffee and he was already excitedly asking how I wanted him to torture me on my long training run that day. I ignored him and hoped I could hide in my coffee cup.

Ignoring coach didn't work, he pestered me until finally he just decided on his own and announced "we will be running the 'gas line' road". I knew I was in for it when I heard this as I have heard my hubby and his brother discuss this run and its brutality. I should have picked sprints.

After a couple mile warm up along my usual route, we turned and ran up an arroyo. For those of you not familiar with these dried up old river beds, they are either rocky or deep sand...think the beach...and you are running in it. Oh wait, you probably pictured the hard packed sand at the waters edge when I said 'beach', but what I mean is the deep swollow-you-up sand that you trudge through to get to that awesome place at the beach. It is not fun to run in the sand. Coach says it strengthens your stabilizing muscles. Evidently this is a strength run.

After about a mile, the course changed to rolling hills, an old service road. The hills continued to increase in size and I was alerted to the fact that there would be 3 horrible hills...with each rolling hill I asked if that was one of the horrible ones, coach said I would know it when I saw it. Hmmm...I asked because I thought I had seen it.

Hill 1. Now there are hills and then there are HILLS. As we approached the little bastard, coach informed me that I wouldn't simply attempt to run up the thing, but that I would do it on the balls of my feet and with high knees. What the hell? Now that is a work out. After that I was happy for the rolling hills and then we hit Hill 2.

Hill 2. The burn in my thighs was still singing from Hill 1 when we hit Hill 2. This thing was a beast! Steeper and longer than the 1st, this hill required me to focus on my balance simply so I didn't fall backwards off the damn mountain! At one point I thought I might need to find hand holds and looked at a big rock considering grabbing onto it. Then I fantasized about taking that rock and smashing it into my head so I could get out of doing this run. At the top I tried to catch my breath, my thighs now SCREAMING, but there was no stopping, just the reprieve of more rolling hills.

Hill 3. Do you know that feeling of doom? Maybe the sense one feels before they are attacked by a shark, they see it coming, they know it is going to be horrible, but there is no way out...ya, that is how I felt. This Hill was the longest of the 3 and might possibly be taller than Everest. I dug deep and worked really really hard to not complain. I may need to remind you that I have promised to stop complaining ON the runs. Today I felt like I was working a Buddhist path to Enlightenment, it was a deep down soul wrenching experience to NOT complain! Mid way up the horrible horribleness, coach reminded me to pick up my knees. May I remind you AGAIN just how hard it was NOT to complain?

At the top I was allowed to stop and try to stand on my now shaking legs. I might mention the beautiful view or the incredible green of the cottonwood trees that we were now high above...but I hated the world at that point. Now, I had to run down these hills...and my legs were absolute jello.

As we hit the road and my old running route once again, I realized that the run home was going to be difficult. My legs were mush...burning mush and my heart was pounding from the effort to propel my body forward. It took forever to complete those miles. I ceased talking or responding to my husband's chipper observations of our charming town. I pulled every ounce of willpower out to keep myself from crying. I mean really? I thought I was over the running-makes-me-cry thing! Obviously not.

At home, my thighs tingled and felt like they had a scorching sunburn from the effort they had just put out. It took me nearly an hour to stop feeling like I wanted to weep. Now that I type that, I kinda want to cry again.

I never complained.

Thank God for this blog so I can let it all out! Now for some very very well earned Fueling. I may have to drink my wine straight from the bottle because I can't fathom getting up to get a glass.
 
-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Fear and Loathing

As of May 5th, my new training began. It seems appropriate that this grueling training for a full Marathon this fall would start on a day known for massive drinking don't you think? Ironically, due to my trip to Las Vegas for a Bachelorette party the weekend prior, I literally could not drink...or run...in fact I came back only half human. So my training was delayed a couple days. Not really the way you want to kick off a new schedule.

The new training would be worse than usual, as promised by my "coach" and Dr. Jack (see blog post "This is Jacked"). You see, I want to get my speed down for this new race. Yes, after running only one other full Marathon in my life, I am already obsessing over the time I made and what I want it to be. What can I say, running actually makes you crazy. So how does one do this? By intense speed workouts and some serious grit. I don't know if I possess enough grit to make this to happen, but here we go.

Once my training did kick into gear, my loving husband donned his coaches hat and took me out on a "short" 4.5 mile run...with strides as the kicker. What are strides you ask? Oh simply a way for running (which is already so much fun) to become a medieval torture device.  After warming up for a couple miles, you are subjected to phased sprints. After a rest (oh no you don't get to STOP running, you just slow your running pace), you do it again...and again...and again...until you die. OK so I didn't die, but it was crazy hard. As a side note, I have promised to stop complaining so much ON the runs...I didn't make any promises about the blog.

The next day was the recovery run. Recovery my ass! "Coach" took me out for a 3 mile run that included very steep hill repeats! When I started to whine about the "recovery day" he said 'Hey, it is only 3 miles, this IS recovery', I don't think I like this new training.

On Mother's Day, much to the dismay of my young son, I headed out on a "quick run". "Don't make her run on MOTHER'S DAY!" he wailed. Our son thinks my husband is mean for making me run. I think he is right. I had no idea that "quick" was going to be so literal. As we headed out at a fast clip, I assumed I would hit my normal pace, after all it seems my body only has one speed...slow. But as we hit the 1st mile, my husband sputtered in excitement, cheering and literally jumping into the air. I had just broke a 9 minute mile. Now for a lot of you out there, that isn't that fast, but for me, that was HUGE. It is like someone that has never sang a note in their life, to walk onto American Idol and just win. No, I am not exaggerating. Well, as you can imagine, the excitement of such a huge moment and the pride on my coach's face, spurred me on and I attempted to keep the ridiculous pace. I thought to myself how amazing it was going to be to run 26.2 miles of the Marathon this ferociously. I thought about how after only a couple speed workouts, I was rockin it! Then as I neared the end of the 3 mile run...literally a few yards from my driveway, I uttered the word "ouch" and then spent several minutes dry heaving. Had I had anything in my system, I believe the vomit scene there on the side of the road, would have mimicked the cherry pit scene from "The Witches of Eastwick".

I haven't thrown up due to running since I was in high school at soccer practice.  I think I am too old for this.

So today, it snowed, my neck is frozen stiff (probably from the full body retching) and I am terrified to run. Who knew that I could take running to a whole new level of pain? It is very clear that running a few miles fast is very, very different than running long distances at that same pace. It is also very clear that this goal is totally insane. I may need to start "Fueling" in the morning just so I have the courage to face that day's run.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.vivacwinery.com

Somm Running

I would like to start with a comparison of running to wine: both require dedication to Master, both require hard work to really understand, both are incredibly rewarding. And as I come to find out, both can be instantly ruined if your introduction is a douche that is totally arrogant about either subject.

As a woman in the wine industry, the male arrogance dominates. This is a tight industry to wiggle your way into...even though statistically women tend to be better wine tasters. There is a lot of pride and a feeling of superiority in the wine business which is why people are often intimidated by wine and its wine professionals, I am passionate about changing this. As I have studied and worked my way up the Sommelier ladder, I have tried to express my LOVE of wine, I love its intricacies and subtleties and allure. I love the way it is made, I love the way the grapes are grown, I love the history and the pure delight of drinking it. So when I teach wine classes, I teach 'wine appreciation'. I want my students to leave excited and a little more in love with wine than when they came in. If they also have some knowledge and trivia in their back pocket, great! Perhaps this is why the movie "Somm" really pissed me off. It was as if the entire movie was geared toward the Fraternity guy of America. Not that I have anything against Frat guys, I was in a sorority myself, but each character in the film oozed an all too familiar arrogance that I had hoped the wine industry was moving away from. I also noticed that the woman in the group who obviously studied with the main characters and was at the test, was never allowed to say anything and it was if they TRIED to cut her out of frame. There were also tons of inaccurate information and techniques that made my winemaker husband and I groan with irritation. Don't get me wrong, any way we can get people to pay attention to wine helps our industry and in turn us and our winery. I simply wish this was more of a movie about how accessible wine is to EVERYONE, not just the elite.

To clarify, I am not yet a Master Somm. I am also not working my way through the Court of Master Sommeliers that is depicted in the movie "Somm". My education is via the International Wine Guild in Denver and is a very very rigorous program. For example, my Executive test looked just like the Master Somm test from the movie. I have taken many Master level intensives to prepare for my Master level test, however through the International Wine Guild, we are expected to specialize in 5 countries and work in each one for a minimum of 2 weeks. With a growing winery of our own and a child, these requirements come slowly. Court of Master Sommeliers fans don't get your panties in a bunch, I am not saying one is better than the other, simply that they are different and I have worked hard to earn my stripes.

Man, that was a tangent! So back to running and wine. Running can have the arrogant pros too and they really put newbies off. What a shame right? Just as you are putting your fearful toe in the water, you encounter a douche and decide running (or wine) is not for you.

So, as you all venture into the world of wine and running, know that there are supportive people out there willing to encourage you along the way. Some of us are simply trying to Master the pain that running presents and the beautiful relief that wine offers. After all, we are "Fueled by Vivac".

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Marathon Vegas Style

I am sorry to have disappeared, what can I say, after the victory of a PR and signing up for a new Marathon...I decided to celebrate in true Marathon fashion in Vegas...with a Bachelorette party. For those of you not familiar with Vegas, it is much more than a land of gambling. Vegas does everything and in absolute extreme...shopping, fine dinning, shows, spas, amazing pools and even incredible museums. Of course there is also the stuff you do expect...gambling, strippers and crazy clubs. So when you want to go to Vegas there is a lot to choose from, when you go in Marathon fashion...you do it all.

So as you can imagine, this trip was more "Fueling" than running. I actually did consider taking my running stuff, but as the Bride-to-be pointed out, I would either be suffering from the shakes from the night of heavy drinking or still too intoxicated to run...either option was dangerous, I agreed and packed a 3rd pair of heels instead. Anyway, walking the immense casinos to get from the shopping to the clubs in high heels IS a work out.

The weekend proved to be everything you'd want and expect from Vegas, but has made it incredibly difficult to start training. I will need great inspiration to get back on track this week...either that or a glass of wine to ponder the essence of it.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

This is Jacked

After the let down of the race, there comes a haze that descends, a blurry view of the future. What's next?

Since I lost the lottery for the NYC Marathon, I needed to find a new Marathon. Hmmm...where do I want to run 26.2 miles? Since we already had our young son and ourselves all pumped for a trip back East in the fall, we decided to keep to the plan and run a race there. The New Hampshire Marathon was the winner. It should be gorgeous. Running a full Marathon is an effective way to ruin a beautiful place don't you think?

As I looked at the calendar and back counted I realized I needed to start training NOW. Uhhh really?  Seems excessive, but it is because my "coach" (AKA husband) broke out the scary book "Running" by Jack Daniels. Seriously wish he had pulled an actual bottle of Jack out instead. Training with Jack means a long and painful journey. May need to invest in a giant bottle of Jack to deal with training with Jack.

Come to think of it, just thinking about this training makes me need a drink.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Rockin the Race

As the dust settles after the race, everything comes into focus. The constant questioning during training "why am I doing this" finally has an answer, and the answer is so that I can feel like a badass. Was I the fastest person there? No, not by a long shot. But I bested my own time by a lot, I hit my goal time and felt great after the race. All the sweat, tears and screaming were worth it.

The ABQ half marathon was my 2nd half and happened to be almost 4 years to the date after my 1st. As I mentioned, I had a PR (personal record). I wanted to hit a 2:11, I made it in 2:12, an absolute victory. I worked so damn hard and was so fearful and stressed that I wasn't going to be able to do it, that I barely slept the night before and had more anxiety than any other race I've ever run. But once the bullhorn blew and the race started, the training took over and auto pilot kicked in. My husband's coaching advice rang in my ears of how to approach the race, at what miles to hold back and at what miles to push. As I hit 10 miles, tired, I realized I was going to make my secondary goal (best advice I ever got was to set a 2nd goal so you don't feel like a looser if you don't hit your 1st) which was a time of 2:15. I heard my husband's voice again telling me to give it all I've got at the end and I managed to close in on my 1st goal time and I literally sprinted across the finish line. The look of pride and surprise on my husband's face as he saw me running full blast toward the finish was incredible. The feeling of accomplishing my goal that I worked so incredibly hard for was, well... beautiful. And as I heard the bing of my race chip cross the line, I felt the dizzy swirl in my head of the immense effort I just gave and a sense of amazement at my own ability. It shocked me. I felt the arms of my young son crash into me as he squealed in delight "mama you did it!" and a beaming little face tilted up to me full of pride. It became apparent at that moment that I want to raise my son knowing that I am more than just his mom, I'm someone that can do incredible things when I put my mind to it. I want him to know that he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to and the way I'm going to do that is by setting the example.

Another couple of woman are setting the example in my family as well, my mom and sister. These ladies ran the ABQ half as their very 1st half marathon and blew me away. In particular, my mom's experience rocked us. A half marathon is 13.1 miles and requires heavy training, if you are training with a goal in mind, it is brutal training. A half is a big deal. An avid NOT runner, my mom went from sofa to a half marathon in 16 weeks and finished strong. Her training, like all training it seems, was full of agony, despair and fear. Ahhh the love of running right? She was plagued with injury and self doubt, but she mustered an unfathomable amount of grit to not simply complete the half, but make what sounded like a end-of-the-rainbow goal time. To see her cross that finish line with a 2:56 was an unreal experience. There are life changing events that occur in our lives and this was one of them for her, and I got to be there to witness it. I realized, as her daughter, to have this feeling of pride and wonderment for your parent is extraordinary. She has always been an incredible woman and a stellar mother, but this was a new side of her, a side that brought me to tears with the complexity of feelings and awe. It was a very emotional moment.

So what's next? My mom and sister are going to train for another race, even my son is excited to train for a 5K at the age of 7! My "coach" is training for a 50K, he has stepped from crazy runner to certifiable Ultra Runner, and as for me, my training for this half, is actually a step in the training for a full Marathon in the fall. This will be my 2nd full Marathon and of course I have a time in mind that I want to hit. I must admit that as I successfully place a check mark next to this recent goal and this race, I look to the future with some dread...and a little excitement. The race is the pay off to all that hard work. The race and the sense of wonder for your own personal power. It is a magical moment and it is addictive.


Oh and we always celebrate with several bottles of exceptional wine...which might be my real motivation.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Pre-Race Jitters

Well, here I am, it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I would normally chastise my young son for being up messing around, tell him he just needs to lay in bed and at least let his body rest, but my theories on sleep are far from my thoughts tonight. Tonight I am full of anxiety. 

My half marathon race is on Saturday. You'd think that having run a full Marathon that this wouldn't faze me, in fact I ran 14 miles twice during this training (a half is 13.1 miles), but the trick about running is that you are always in a race against yourself. Always trying to best your own time, finish feeling stronger. The training has pushed you hard and you want to somehow prove that all this hard work wasn't totally crazy...as you sit at your computer in the middle of the night...totally crazy.

Side note on training and crazy: there is a fun by product of pushing your body to ridiculous limits... starvation. There is an instinctual thing that happens that takes you from normal person to the depths of rabid hunger (I don't actually know, are you hungry if you are rabid?). Suddenly you fear the real chance that you might bite people should they stray too close before you've been feed...which needs to happen constantly. Forget weight loss when you are training, I have gained weight with every race. Your body simply freaks out thinking you are trying to kill it and it decides it needs food in the worst way. I mention this as I chew baby carrots like a beaver on crack. Are you getting the crazy scene going on tonight?

This race has been a little weird partly because I've been so public about it and that it is here in my home state, which means a lot of people will be joining me at this race. Writing about my training has inspired a lot of people to train and run for the 1st time, it has inspired people that haven't run in a long time to get back out there and oddly enough, it has inspired people to want to beat me. I offer a solid congratulations to all those wanting to literally "race" me because I am a deathly (new word?) slow runner and racing me is a joke, you will beat me. But with this race, I somehow feel responsible for getting all these people out there running...running is terrible, I'm so sorry people. Running also isn't about an actual race for me, it isn't for most people which is why I always find it funny when people ask me if I think I will win. No I don't plan to win, out of the hundreds or thousands of people running the various races I enter, I plan to finish, I plan to best myself, I plan to... not die.

So...I sign off tonight with the wish that when I write you again, it will be with happy news. I also wish I had drank more wine, seems I can't sleep without my usual "wine tank" full.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Finding Your Religion

We don't tell people they should be running. We don't preach the glory of running. We simply run. We question our sanity (as do many of our friends and family members), but we still do it. It isn't a path for everyone and we don't expect it to be. Running for us, is our religion.

Some take to meditation, some to church, for my atheist husband it is the forest trail. Each of us in the world, is looking for the feeling of connection with nature and the grand scheme of life itself, each of us simply go about finding it differently. Running is that link for many people. Nothing makes you feel so small as the days when the pain is crushing and the world seems to swallow you up, but you have to run through it. Nothing is so glorious as the days when something clicks and you run well, birds chirp and the colors of nature wear a sunset filter.

Running alone doesn't require the same disipline that training does, and likewise running simply to excerise robs you of the feeling of wonder and greatness...and the community of runners at races. Races are full of support, friendly faces and shared stories. Races are also full of limping walks, tear stained cheeks and awe.

Like many that inexplicably find themselves turning toward prayer, full of a driving need to find something bigger, I never thought I would be standing at the finish line of an Ultra Marathon waiting for my husband to come in. This is his 2nd Ultra and as I set up the winery sponsorship table, I feel great pride for being a part of this uniquely amazing event. We not only participate, but we sponsors so that we can support each runner with a much needed glass of wine. Think of it as communion. These people have trained months even years to push their bodies to this extreme; it is a small group of elite and they are impressive. Ultra Marathoners are off the charts crazy...and some of the most centered, modest, incredible people you can meet. It is as if they are the Buddhist monks of the running world and to be in their presence is spine tingling.

My husband is one of them. Jesse ran his 1st Ultra (a 53 miler) 2 years ago. I had wondered at the time if it was a midlife crisis, I wondered if he was secretly questioning if he should leave his family, as if running outrageous distances would give his the time to contemplate it. I wondered if it would literally kill him. Instead he finished so strong that I almost fainted from shock. Now as I wait for him to finish his 2nd Ultra (a very hilly off road 45K), I wring my hands is anticipation. He had feared he wasn't prepared enough and since I had watched his training I quietly feared it too. But as his red shirt flashed in the trees toward the finish line and he confidently strode toward the clapping crowd, I welled up with emotion. He is amazing. He can put pain aside and make want he wants happen. He certainly did that  creating our winery with his brother, and he can obviously tough out a 45K without much training. The magnitude of who he is as a person, the serenity he has come to posses is awe inspiring. He has encouraged me, inspired me, lovingly supported me to do things that I never thought possible. And as his salt stained shirt crashed into my arms, his heart pounding against my chest, tears of pride rolled down my cheeks. This is a church like no other, this is a fast forward of deep meditation. This is what the human body/ mind/ soul can do in the purest form.

Other runners offered congratulations, other families offered up their seats and volunteers gathered food. It is a group of people in a parking lot forming a utopia. My husband, a man broken by the effort of the day, sat on a bench and silently hung his head between his knees. The release was unapparent to those around, but palpable by everyone and it was understood, even cherished. Yes, you did it. Yes, you earned this cry, yes we understand and strangers and loved ones alike are so proud of you. Yet it is understood, this is his journey and his alone. It is truly magnificent to witness.

In that moment of utter open vulnerability, I found my husband to be more manly, more powerful and more incredible than ever before. He has taught me so much about the possibilities of the world and our lives. And so, standing in the beautiful church of nature, I had a deeply spiritual experience, everyone there did.

As I look forward to my race next weekend, I try to set aside my worries and doubts and center into the experience of it. I try to remember it isn't a big deal, I'm just going to church. And my church has big glasses of wine for communion.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com