It has taken me over a week to write a new blog post. The 'Gas Line' run tore me down to my core and while I managed to choke back the tears that day, my emotional fragility lasted for 3 days. For 3 days after that run I couldn't talk about the run. Hot tears would stream down my cheeks and I would manage to say "it was hard". On day 3, I saw God on a treadmill in an Albuquerque hotel.
I don't know how to explain what it feels like to break your body down to the point that you have only the base elements of who you are left...what you are really made of. What ARE you capable of? You don't really know until you are there, truly broken and pushing.
Running painfully slow on the treadmill in an Albuquerque hotel, starring at a blank wall, willing myself to keep my feet moving, I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of awe. The wonder of my undeniable commitment to push myself and it sounds silly, but it was a glimmer of God (or whatever name you want to use). I suddenly realized on a whole new level the infinite beauty of the human body and what we are capable of. I thought of the intense wonder of the universe and the devastatingly gorgeous photos of a birth of a star that my 7 year old son loves. My son will look at these images and say "you know we all are made of star dust" and while this is scientifically true it is also a poetically beautiful statement that makes us all very interconnected. As my pain stricken legs continued to push forward on the treadmill my sense of awe warmed into a sense of deep love for everything in my life. I thought about looking into my child's eyes and the amazing person he is and that he came from me, I made this person, this person that has his own unique intense gifts. I know this sounds totally and completely crazy and lets face it, it feels that way too, but I am currently in a process that is unlike anything else I have ever experienced up to this point in my life and I'm just not sure how to explain it.
Now all the heavily religious people out there, please don't get the wrong idea, I'm not going to join you at church, I am still the muddle of religious backgrounds married to an Atheist.
With the lingering awe of a crazy lady, I some how thought witnessing this insight would bring me comfort on the next brutally horrible run. Turns out it doesn't matter how much understanding or appreciation you have...you still have to get your ass through the run without dying.
Friday my coach made me run 4 miles to a steep hill and do "hill repeats". What are hill repeats? Well it is what it sounds like...only worse. At the very steepest part of the hill, you are forced to run as hard and fast as you can (with correct form: on the balls of your feet with knees high) for 45 seconds. 45 seconds doesn't sound that long until you are sure you are going to die. Then you do it again, and again. I do not have the words to describe what the pain of going full out up a hill feels like, but I can tell you that I am VERY familiar with the sensation of keeping vomit at the back of my throat. After this fun torture, you just run the 4 miles back home! The run home was slow, painful and full of self doubt. What the hell am I doing out here?
If God is on the treadmill, the Devil is on the road.
Today, was a recovery run. I feel like my legs were secretly borrowed by someone that ran a Marathon and hung the sorry used legs in a closet and I accidentally put them on. They feel entirely unfamiliar. In addition to the pain, this training is not what I thought, not only am I not getting faster, I am actually going the other way and running slower! Not only do the long runs hurt, but the short runs are devastating. My legs hurt all the time and the grit it takes to not cry and scream and throw things is pushing me to my limit. I am either going to become a Saint from this, or end up in the looney bin.
Today I am grateful to have my stupid, horrible run over with and I pour myself a glass of wine and let the hot tears fall into it. Each tear splashing into the glass, a silent prayer that I twist my ankle and can quit running.
-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com
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