As if the Universe was trying to tell me something, I heard yet another great podcast from our friends at The Art of Charm. This podcast started as an interview with immigrant entrepreneurs and shifted to a stunning focus on our own fears that are masking our intuition. They described a magic on the other side of that wall of FEAR we have created. They explained that fear is really your mind protecting you from what it perceives as a threat to your safety but in actuality is your intuition trying to give you the life you really want...yet you are sabotaging it. I was floored.
What a concept right? YOU are putting up a wall of fear to keep yourself from doing what could make your life amazing! They suggested that you name 5 big things that you are scared to do and go do them. They urged that not only would you have the life you always wanted but that you would be an entirely new person. I have to admit, I was very intrigued. I went home and made my list.
As I sat looking at my list, I realized these things are not that wild or outrageous, but they are intimate fears...or I should say I have a lot of fear around the idea of doing these things. I'm not ready to share ALL 5 of my fears with the world, but guess what one of them was? Yep, long distance running.
As a child, I was a ballerina. I loved ballet with my entire heart and soul and I was good at it too. At a breathtakingly young age I was dancing on point (those unfamiliar with the term, it refers to the fancy toe shoes that allow a dancer to dance on her tippy toes...it is totally badass) and planning my career. Life threw me a curve ball and long story short, I quit dancing. It was complicated why, it involved a move to a new state and a huge ego (my own). Anyway, it continues to be my one real regret. When I started running, there was something that clicked in the back of my head that said 'this is similar to the dedication it takes to be a dancer, you can do this' and yet, it isn't out of love for the sport that I run. It is almost like it is so I can prove something to myself, I'm not a quitter. I can see myself through the pain and accomplish these insane goals...as if seeing this through will give me redemption for a lost dream of long ago.
I know that this doesn't make sense. I know logically I can not erase choices I have made in my past. I know that there is no race that will fill the void I allow to reside in my chest; that constant nagging that tells me I screwed up. But I think I am seeing it for the 1st time and THAT is progress. Maybe I was suppose to be a ballerina, maybe I wasn't. Maybe that wasn't my one thing. Maybe, if I stop sabotaging myself I could see that I have the ability to be an athlete in many forms.
I almost didn't run today, I sat and let fear creep into the base of my skull and the excuses bubble up. I tend to let my mind wander from the training run that is in-front of me to the end goal and I scare the crap out of myself by saying "whoa, how can you run 28+ miles when you can't even get out the door for 5!" then, I looked at my list of 5 fears and realized that I don't want to live in fear any longer. I want to own my life, I want to truly live my life. I want to forgive myself.
I went for my run.
It was beautiful.
-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com
makes me cry... I totally understand.
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