Hating the Hate

What is the story that is ruining your life? What is the story that you believe so deeply, you see it as truth?

Often it is painful and difficult to look at these stories and question them, as if they are a childhood blanket that you need to insulate you from the world. Only the funny thing is, it is your story that is keeping you from experiencing the joys of the world.

My story (one of the many) is that my body should be better than it is. When I was younger, I scrutinized over every bump, lump and imperfection. Now approaching 40, I would give anything for those imperfections. I struggle to find the beauty in my aging body. I recently found myself saying to a friend that my body was better post baby than it is now. But 'post baby' was almost 10 years ago! Shouldn't I be able to see the progression as natural without wanting to change it? Shouldn't I be able to look in the mirror without uttering moans of disgust?

I have to take a moment to complain, because...that is what I do well. I realize that I am more fit than some and thinner than some, but regardless of your size or health, we can all agree that there is always something you tweak over right? Mine is my butt and upper thighs. I hated my lack of butt when I was younger, but the fact that what little I had has slid down into the cellulite on the back of my thighs, I down right loath it. When I get out of the shower and glimpse the horror of my backside, I morph into a replica of Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream".

So, if we examine this story I have and ask if it true, my answer is "uhhhh...yes! You should workout more and eat better so your butt finds its proper placement!" but this isn't helpful. And when I really take a deep breath and look at this story, I know that being incredibly hard on myself for the way my body looks is ridiculous. I see the older women at the gym walk around completely naked and secure in their bodies. Their skin sags and their lumps roll and their imperfections fade away. When I see these confidant women, I don't see flaws, I see beauty. Each body is unique and tells a story of their lives, the children they have had, the hardships and the struggles as scars caress their curves. And as I rethink my thinking, I see that my insecurities around how my body looks, actually makes me behave in a shielded, unconfident way that ironically, is what is ugly.

Maybe what the truth is, is actually the opposite of our stories. Maybe the pain we cause ourselves is literally all in our heads. Maybe detaching from the story we believe so deeply can give us exquisite freedom to really live, really feel, really enjoy the world around us.

I am trying to workout more. I am trying to eat healthy (sometimes, but hey sometimes is better than never). But the BIG thing I am going to do, is stop believing in the story that my body should be better than it is. After all, when I am 70 I'm going to envy the imperfections I have now, so I might as well enjoy what I've got while I've got it.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Traveler's Triathlon

You know what is an intense workout? Going to the airport!

Do you remember when flying use to be an occasion to dress up? Do you remember cocktails and smoking on the plane? Do you remember nice flight attendants? Ahhh those were the times. OK most of that I don't actually remember, but I watch a lot of TV and if it was on TV, then it happened right?

Now, we are cattle herded into lines and screamed at, stripped down and fondled...yes today at the Austin airport security, the security person actually grabbed my boobs, is that really allowed? I mean it happened and I didn't object so I guess it was allowed, but it was very weird. I mean at least buy me a drink 1st lady!

With a reasonable tweaker's early arrival to the airport, these things don't usually fluster me. However, after finding out my original flight was cancelled and being re-booked on a new flight, that then was delayed, then making my connecting flight impossible, I was told to go get my checked luggage and start the entire process over! Ya, talk about a nightmare for my sensory overloaded, control freak little mind.

(The following reenactment was brought to you today by my vivid imagination)

You ready for exercise class people?
                            "No! I'm wearing the wrong shoes for this!"
Great more resistance!
                            "No, wait, I got here early so I wouldn't have to do this!"
Don't be a whiner!
                            "ahhhhhh!!!!"

It is now a fast tempo walk back and forth across the same one mile distance of the airport from desk to desk, because no one really knows how to help you. Then it is stairs, fast, because the escalator is broken and you are in a panic (cue the burn from Pilates class yesterday!). Then more stairs only now with weights (aka your luggage). Then back through the lines of security where the eager people behind you encourage you to hop from one foot to the next removing your shoes while juggling various bins to hold all the crap you have to unload from your seemingly small carry on all while tripping over things you trail behind. Imagine a untalented circus clown jumping rope. And like a fun house mirror, out I pop on the other side, undressed and in a shamble.

Finally, I escape the hordes and find my new gate. As I sit, relieved to be back on the path to my final destination, I realize I wasn't groped this time at security and I start to wonder if maybe that really was out of the norm and inappropriate. At this point I couldn't just use a smoke and a drink. I think I deserve one!

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Once Upon a Butt Kicking

Ever get so fed up with yourself that you decide to kick your own butt? That was me yesterday. I decided that I needed to really rev up my workouts, sorta a punishment for not working out all weekend, yep I am that twisted. I'm like my own wicked witch tormenting the sweet, healthy, fit me hidden deep inside.

Yesterday I got to the gym and instead of my usual lazy approach of warming up with a cup of coffee and a half hour of emails (yes I do do that, don't judge), I hustled into the cardio room and ran on the treadmill for 25 mins. OK I walked and ran...maybe I walked more than I ran. But THEN I took the Power Circuit weight class.

After this thorough butt kicking, I had an "adventurous" work day (that would be code for what-the-hell-is-up-with-this-stupid-day), then made it home in time to clean my house before dinner. It was a day of slaying dragons. By the time I poured a glass of wine I was asleep. No really I closed my eyes for a moment and awoke from a death sleep at midnight. I'm pretty sure I'm a Disney Princess now, you know she falls into a spell bound sleep and something important happens at midnight, oh and she has a rockin body without having to do anything...ever.

What? I said I worked out really hard! Surely one day of kicking my own butt will give me that perfect body right?

After solving all the worlds problems from midnight to 3am (clearly this is my Disney Princess special power, they all have them and since I can't sing and don't have woodland animals coming to my window, I think mine is solving problems in the middle of the night), I arose to a beautiful new day...and one sore body. My boobs even hurt.

Funny how the mind tricks you into thinking one day can radically change your body. How one day can erase a lifetime of cookies. But in truth, one day can make a difference. One day can kick start a new way of being in the world, a way of pushing yourself past what you think you can handle and make you rise to the occasion, be it another day at the gym, or slaying more dragons, or quitting the bad self talk. The biggest adventure every Disney Princess ever faces is defeating that wicked witch.

Cue feel good song sung by a bunny while rainbows arc across the sky. Oh and lets make sure that bunny brings the Princess a glass of wine, she missed her quota last night.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Halloween Horror Story

The Halloween Haze is lifting and revealing the ghastly truth of reality. The reality is that you can not avoid working out, drink booze like a fish and eat candy like you are a child who's strict parents aren't looking without some sad consequences.

As you all know, from my incessant complaining, that I haven't had the drive or will to workout (thank you crazy hormones). My once intense running career seems to be that of yesteryear, but my "running" eating habits have kept up in full swing. Maybe it was the fog of denial, but I actually didn't see the effects...until Halloween.

As if in some cruel Halloween prank, the party photos revealed the truth I was trying to ignore, my weight gain and unhappiness was evident, like a ghost finally revealed in a mirror. Somehow I had been able to hide it, covered it up with clever clothing and make-up, but in the Halloween Horror I could see the change in my face shape, the sadness in my expression and my clothes didn't fit right. It was the scariest of revelations.

Well, after a final look at the Halloween Horror of Facebook photos, I decided things needed to change NOW. I didn't drink wine last night (GASP!!!) and went to bed early. I woke up this morning and hauled my big ass to the gym, sausaged into workout clothes. I worked out really hard (not CrossFit hard, but you have to start somewhere), and had a healthy lunch, no sugar, no wheat, no processed foods. I feel better already.

I remained the same weight for 9 years after having my son and knew as I got older that that would shift, I don't mind that, but this is ridiculous. Screw the hormones, I'm fighting back!

Maybe Halloween is my New Year, a chance to see the scary and make a change. Don't worry, I won't cut out wine entirely, that isn't healthy.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Turning Over a New Leaf

Fall is in full swing! The leaves on the trees are golden and falling and for some unknown reason it always inspires me to change things up. But changing habits is beyond difficult. When I 1st started my gluten free diet (yes I am one of those annoying people), it was insanely hard to pass up wheat products, but with time I found I stopped craving it and learned to enjoy the cardboard items masquerading as bread. And working out has always been one that takes a few days to get me into the rhythm. Except for this go around. This period of my life seems to be dedicated to laziness.

My lack of motivation has been astounding. I actually texted my friend from the dressing room of the gym, already dressed to work out, asking if I could get out of it! I mean this is really desperate. Maybe it's that I try to tackle too many things all at once. I decide today is the day I will start working out, stop eating sugar and cut back on caffeine. Of course I had 2 cups of coffee this morning...well maybe one and a half since I spilled half of it all over my car.  Maybe it is that I decide today I will start working out and will work out every single day from here on out. I mean who can keep that promise? Maybe it is that I'm stressed with work and that has zapped all my energy. Maybe I need an intervention.

Needless to say, I did actually run on the treadmill. I can't say that it was that torturous either. But I can't imagine doing it again this week. Surely running once a week is enough right? It is if I cut back on the sweets... maybe. Which I will do right after I eat these cookies.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Oh Ya, Feel That Burger...I Mean Burn.

There is something delicious about being deep down sore. Not nearly as delicious as a blue cheese bacon burger or a sopapilla or deep dish Chicago style pizza, but considering I can't say no to incredible food...I have to also enjoy being incredibly sore from a brutal workout.

As my avid readers know, I have recently joined the gym. As a new member of the gym, I have decided it is my duty to try the buffet of exercise classes offered. Being that I am wickedly out of shape, I thought it best to start with a Yoga class.

There is a reason why "Yoga" conjures certain images in your mind. Yes, Yoga is obviously good for you, I don't think people (read that as me) stretch enough and having taken a number of Yoga classes before, I also know that it requires strength in muscles we don't work regularly. BUT, when you walk into a room that has a stench so thick you can almost see it hanging in the air, like a fog, you start thinking about all the jokes you've read on Facebook about Yoga.

I came into the Yoga class late. I know, how rude right? Well like true karma, it was to bite me in the ass. As I raced in and tried to quickly find a spot in the packed room, the 'fog' smacked me in the face. Suddenly surrounded by people in strange combinations of clothing they had either been wearing for decades or found in the free box, I realized I had changed my mind. Tough luck baby! After a late and obnoxious entrance, I had no choice but to breath (not so deeply) and surrender to the fact that I was in over my head.

When did people stop explaining moves in exercise classes? Sure I've done Yoga a few times, but that doesn't mean I have the slightest clue what is happening when the instructor calls out words in Sanskrit. My baffled expressions and "modern" running attire must have given me away as an impostor because my neighbor (who was way too close for comfort might I add) started giving me a very rude stare down. Whatever guy, don't get your skirt all in a bunch, after all aren't you suppose to be kind as a Yogi?

Needless to say, my attempt to become Gumby didn't leave me feeling worked out so I stayed for the next class, BodyPump. In my mind I started to imagine myself spending all day every day floating from one class to the next, unleashing the Goddess body I have hiding under burgers, pizza and sopapillas. Then I got a wake-up call of reality.

No BodyPump is not like the fight-for-your-life CrossFit, but it is not to be taken lightly either! For one, it is dog eat dog vying for a ticket just to get in the room, or in my case stay in the room. A little luck and a Golden Ticket in my hand, I was ready to collect my mountain of equipment and feel the burn!

Oh ya, that class definitely makes you feel the burn. Designed to "shock" the muscle, BodyPump shocked the Holy Hell out of me! I was in such "shock" after that, that I needed to comfort myself with a blue cheese bacon burger. I know, it was horrible, thank you for feeling my pain.

Over the last couple days, I have been deeply sore. The kind of sore that wakes up in the night when you try to innocently roll over only to have your thighs scream in pain. But it is that delicious kind of sore, the kind where you feel like you are making changes, real changes. I just might order that burger with gouda, mushrooms and bacon next time.

(this blog is brought to you today by the Vivac wines Dolcetto, Merlot & Syrah which are always amazing with a great burger)

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Personal Train This

My gym offers a free session with a personal trainer. It should have come with a warning.

I've never met with a personal trainer, unless you count the time I worked out with my friend Gabrielle who was a personal trainer at that time...she too should have come with a warning label. There is a reason why that woman has 0% body fat and a body made for the cover of Fitness or Shape magazine. I couldn't walk or cross my legs without assistance for 4 days after that workout.

Today's training session should have had a different type of warning, a may-be-hazardous-to-your-self-esteem warning. I must admit, the morning had started out rough so maybe I was more sensitive than usual. My son is now going to a new school that requires a commute so we have to get up really early. Some people are morning people, some people simply accept what they need to do, some people adjust to getting up early. I am not some people. I hate waking up with an alarm. I hate getting out of a warm bed. I hate waking up my young son from a deep sleep to be yelled at because he doesn't want to get up either. We are quite the 'morning monsters' my son and I.

Once in the car, we usually seem to settle ourselves into what the day will bring. Today, however, I only had one cup of coffee and I could sense that my cooping skills weren't at peak performance.

I don't know what I thought I was going to find out at the free personal training session, maybe I had hoped this person would have some magic answer for me...maybe I was hoping he would say "Yes, you can continue being a lazy lump and eat nachos at 9:00 at night and by simply paying for this gym membership, you will become a swimsuit model". I'll save you the suspense, he did NOT say that and that is when the lack of coffee kicked in.

A battery of difficult questions berated me... "What are your weight goals? When do you like to work out? How often are you working out now? How is your diet? What weight training do you incorporate? ..." blah blah blah. I sheepishly tried to answer these personal jabs disguised as questions and realized I was going to have to lie. When do I LIKE to work out??? Uhhhh...uhhhhh...is this a trick question? I don't LIKE to work out! "Morning" I replied. WOW, really? Me, the lady who hates to get out of bed, just told this guy I liked to work out in the morning. Great start.

After a few more minutes of trying to suck in my stomach fat to flatten out my latex shirt, this guy looks me up and down and says "How old are you? I'd guess about 36." I was super impressed and said so to which he admitted that my birth date was in the file. Was this suppose to be funny? Ahhh great, I got a jokester.

Then Mr. Funny Man stopped being funny. That creep made me get on the scale. Ya, I know, can you believe it?! I think all the color went out of my face. But before I knew it I not only knew my weight, but I also knew my fat percentage. Lets just say I am noooooooooo where near my friend Gabrielle's percentage. After that complete blow to my psyche, he made me do exercises. Hello, I need counseling after that news not torture!

Did I mention that he also took my phone from me? He said it would be a distraction. Creep.

After a sad workout (it's difficult to run or lift weights when you are depressed) I took my soggy self to the car and cried.

I don't think I like personal training.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Getting Back Together With My Ex

Going back to an ex is always a little weird. There are all the reasons why they are an ex in the 1st place, then the curiosity to see if they have really changed like they promote catches your attention. I didn't mean to fall back in with my ex, it just happened.

Now that my son is going to a new school, which requires a 30 minute commute each way, I found myself killing time in the town I grew up in. Memories are plentiful in my home town, some good, some not so good. Memory lane being what it is, it makes sense that given enough time, I might resort to old habits...and sure enough, I did.

It started as a need to keep my mind off of obsessing over my young son who was not just starting at a new school, but skipping a grade which made him considerably younger than his classmates...and he is my only child...cue OCD behavior. Distraction was definitely what I needed.

At 1st I did things like walk in the park, innocent and clearly not exciting enough of an activity. I started looking around for more action. In a small town your options aren't that varied so when I heard that my ex had gone through a "face lift" of sorts, been spruced up, found some ways to improve, I couldn't resist. Who can fault me for wanting to take a peek?

The 1st meeting was strange. A combination of all the familiar things rushing back and a sense of being out of my element. It was weird. I left feeling clear that I wasn't the same person I had been when we were together, but who was I? I felt old and lost.

A few days later and the run in with my ex was haunting me. I decided I needed to see how wrong my ex was for me by looking around. What? There is no harm in looking!

I found a few interesting options and decided to "explore". Option 1 was dark, moody and not that friendly. Option 2 was odd to say the least...and surrounded by incredibly old women...and smelled funny. Option 3 was unprofessional and I just can't stand that. Option 4 was dead. Yep, that option that sounded too good to be true was just that, it was so great it was gone.

So...I started fantasizing about my ex. It is amazing how once a thought enters your mind, you find ways to rationalize it. My mind worked quickly in this manner and the next time I dropped my son off at school, I drove immediately to my ex.

After seeing what else was out there, being with my ex seemed the best option. Things seem different this time, fresh somehow. It is the support I need right now, the distraction from obsessing over my son that I need. I had promised I would start training for that race I'm signed up for in October and I still haven't! I am so damn lazy...I need my ex to help me get through this. I need the flexible hours, personal trainers, new treadmills and steam room. I need the gym I loved so dearly all through high school!

Yes my friends, I have once again joined the gym. The same gym that sucked all my extra cash. The same gym that started to demand more and more of my time. The same gym that made me feel bad for each and every date I canceled on. All I can say is that I hope getting back together with my ex is a healthier endeavor this time around.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!

No Fanfare Here

I continue to drip sweat even as I write this. A shower of funk raining down on me. Today I started the T25 home workout my friends Amelia and Ben recommended, nay made me borrow. This is sorta like CrossFit done at home (code for staring at you, making you feel guilty for not doing it 24/7). I recall Amelia saying "It's challenging, but it's only 25 mins.", I guess I didn't fully grasp just how long 25 mins is.

I love the concept, using your own body weight with simple exercises and you don't have to look cute to go to the gym. But clearly I was underestimating the power of the DVD.

I decided to pop this baby in the DVD player and jump right in...in my PJs. Why would you work out in your PJs you ask? Was I wondering where my workout stuff is? Was I afraid if I went into the bedroom I would loose my impetus to actually try the workout? Or am I just THAT lazy? Probably the last one.

The warm up quickly accelerated, I suppose they have to get after it if they are going to attempt to kill you in less than a half hour. My long ponytail became a sharp whip against my back...this did reminding me a little of CrossFit...then as the sweat worked it's way down my face, my ponytail swirled around my head, sticking in clumps over my eyes, as if it was trying to shield me from what would come next.

Lunges would come next. Those painful, torturous lunges. Why does everyone love lunges?! This damn workout had plenty of them of course, and why not? Why not send my body back into shock, reminding it of the horrors of the CrossFit beat-down (this is the term I am adopting for the week of CrossFit hell I spent in Albuquerque). Lunges moved into various jumping movements that not only made me wish I'd put on a sports bra, but made me uncomfortably clear that I must wear lycra because that clapping wasn't a group of fans admiring my beautiful physical fitness...no, that was my ass slapping the back of my thighs.

Just when it couldn't get any worse and the thought of quiting started to whisper to me, came the negative talk:

"You could squat deeper"

"The pretty girl is jumping, why can't you do that move while jumping?"

"Faster!"

"That isn't very graceful"

"Your knees are no where near how high they should be"

"It isn't break time!"

"You look funny"

Was this what I needed while I worked my butt off? NO! So I suddenly stopped, wiped the bucket of liquid effort off my forehead and told my 9 year old son to can it! I mean seriously, as if I don't have enough horrible things to tell myself, I really don't need a snarky preteen with nonstop commentary adding to it.

After that, I am thinking running is sooo much easier. I mean all you have to do is move yourself down the road, no lunges, no jumping, no little people critiquing you. So tomorrow...tomorrow, I'm back to running. I mean a girl needs a break!

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com 

When you Love to Hate it

 It is a strange feeling to look at last week and think "I almost died". CrossFit almost killed me, yet here I am. Last Friday, I completed my final workout at the Albuquerque gym that promised to 'tighten' my sofa body in shape for a PR filming piece happening for work this week.

Last Friday morning, I woke to a much improved sore body (meaning I didn't cry). The countless Salonpas I'd taped literally all over my body helped beyond words can express...and maybe that bottle of wine helped too (I must interject that if you have not found the little strips of medicated awesomeness that are Salonpas, you MUST). I left the hotel worried I wouldn't come back after yet another beat-you-to-a-bloody-pulp workout. I'd be something like the consistency of oatmeal, a permanent part of the floor mat at CrossFit. I said a little melancholy goodbye to the air-conditioned, fountain filled, lovely hotel lobby and headed toward certain death.

The look on the faces of the instructors and other crazies was one of pure shock as I wobbled in. I think they mistakenly thought the fact that I showed up meant that I ...1) liked this torture and 2) was ready to work harder!

Like someone suffering from PTSD I can only share snippets of what happened to me. The reality of the gore and pain I endured is too much for me to relive, so I give you 2 words 'burpees' and 'rowing'. Turns out they DO have machines at this gym, sadistic rowing machines.

In regular CrossFit fashion the 2 exercises were a combination of back and forth and LOTS of pain. By the end my Barbie look-a-like friend was swinging her gorgeous just-the-right-amount-of-body long blonde hair out of her face to beam and encourage me that "we can do this!". I've decided she might be a Stepford Wife, there is no way her happy demeanor during this ridiculous workout could be real. By the end I sat on the rower with both legs shaking involuntarily, violently reminding me that I had pushed too far, my stomach raised its own objections with bile surfacing to my mouth, I was a mess.  I was oatmeal.

I did manage to walk out of the class, eventually, and I think they were relieved to not have to call an ambulance. I promised to never see them again as I would be returning home soon. But now, at home in my safe little village, a CrossFit free zone, I hate to admit that I miss it! It feels like an abusive relationship. I think I need an intervention.

I'm back to all my old excuses...my iPod isn't working, my kiddo would need a babysitter, it's too hot...this is a downward spiral. I need the tough love of a CrossFit team that won't let me give up and scares the crap out of me. Is that a thing? Exercise by way of fear?

BUT, everyone can rest assured my complaining has not ceased as I am signing up for a 30k race (18 miles off road)! So I guess I will now be forced to set down my glass of wine and start running again. Of course not today, today I'm already dressed in a cute outfit and have a wine drinking date.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com 

The Zombie Workout

After that last post where I said I would FINALLY get my lazy butt in gear...I actually did! And let me tell ya, it has not been easy. Day 1 was more an exercise in getting out of bed with enough time to do anything extra in the morning, so I started with yoga. Subsequent days I actually ran (short, slow, pathetic runs, but hey, at least it was a start). But where it has gotten interesting is this week I am spending in Albuquerque. I've had my butt seriously kicked.


In an effort to escape the rather depressing hotel workout room, I contacted my fabulous friend Cristin and asked her to help me "get fit". I explained that I have a PR film thing happening for the winery in a week and need to 'tighten' ASAP. She gingerly offered to take me to her CrossFit gym. Being a CrossFit novice, I had no idea what I was agreeing to.


Arriving at the gym I immediately realized I was in over my head. This place was like an airplane hanger filled with steel bars and piles of weights. No treadmills or stationary bikes in sight. No steam rooms or pools to lay by either. The people working out here were other worldly too. Buff isn't even a quality word to use, these guys made Channing Tatum look bad. My stress levels spiked immediately as I realized my sofa body was about to be seriously brutalized. My dear friend promised I'd be fine...but as I looked her perfect, fit, lean body over, I could see she was one of them. If Barbie was a real person, she would be Cristin. And obviously Barbie was lying.


The class du jour was a hideous combination of jump rope and deep walking lunges. As it turns out I don't know how to jump rope, a realization I had to have publicly as the Navy Seal instructor asked me to demonstrate my inability in front of the group. Not only did I flail my arms and trip over the rope, I also managed to pull my shoulder out. A spastic moment later, I was bent over heaving trying to catch my breath, this seriously sucked and had only just started.


100 double-unders (turns out that means jumping rope like they do in those boxing movies...you know really fast and looking somewhat like a circus sideshow) or 200 singles with the jump rope would be followed by 60 lunges with a weight carried over your head. Then you would go back to jump rope then more lunges...over and over and over and over. I could see why all the military/ actors in the class looked the way they did. I managed to trip over my rope enough times to pretend I'd done a set and start my lunges, without a weight cause it was my 1st class, see how nice these people are? After 10 the burn in my legs was fierce, but the little mass of muscle that was the second instructor for the class demanded the lunge be deeper, her tiny body appearing beside me created a fear I can't quite explain. By the time I finished 60 of these horrific movements, I was completely done for, I couldn't breath and had so much sweat pouring from my body that I literally needed to be wrung out. They don't let you stop though! I see why they make sure you sign a waiver. Set 2 of jump rope was a no go. I could not will my legs to bounce the 1/2 inch off the ground to get the rope under my feet. The strain in my shoulder from flailing earlier seared in pain and I decided jumping jacks were a better option. 40 more lunges and I wanted to cry, really bad, not pretend cry, cry cry. Back to the jump rope...I mean bouncing, because now I couldn't even do the jumping jacks...I was reduced to bouncing on my toes for the amount of time Barbie jumped rope. As we headed into more lunges, my body felt like a "The Walking Dead" zombie as it pushes through a broken door after its prey, forcing its body to move forward as its skin and muscle peel off its bones against the jagged wood. The fire and pain in my legs were at demonic level.


Finally, after what felt like 4 hours of intense torture, we finished. I collapsed to the floor. The instructors asked that we circle around to stretch and as I attempted to collect my shaking body into an upright position, my legs couldn't withstand the pressure and buckled under me tossing me to the floor in a pile of smelly pathetic goo. This was seriously embarrassing.


Rolling over in bed hurt. Everything from my hip to my ankle hurt. I cursed CrossFit. And...I went back.


What the hell was I thinking? Well, I did ask Cristin to kick my butt and she said the workout would be different...and my sore as hell body needed to move in order to recover. So to everyone's surprise, I appeared back in the torture chamber and let the Navy Seal beat the crap out of me some more.


Day 2 was burpees, which evidently if done properly require jumping from each position to the next, their sick add on was then jumping onto a HUGE box and doing burpees on the other side...about 5 million times. THEN doing some sort of squat swing thing with a heavy weight. Of course part of the cruelty of CrossFit is that you go back and forth between the 2 exercises until you combust. Obviously I couldn't do the whole jumping onto a box thing. I mean that is just a joke. Who even does that between burpees? I'll tell you who... gorgeous, tall, brilliant, incredible women with long blonde hair...yep, there is a reason why Cristin looks like Barbie, she is a total badass.


Due to the already decimated state of my lower body, a lot of my burpees were actually me laying on the mat...praying. At what I thought was the end of the disgustingly long class, we did 8 billion sit ups.


The next morning I awoke to a pain I didn't even feel after my 1st Full Marathon. I hurt from the base of my skull to the tips of my toes. Yes even my toes hurt...mostly because during a burpee I managed to jump into the plank position and slam my toes into the ground. Evidently I burpee with the same skill I jump rope. Getting out of bed was similar to right after my c-section delivering my son, absolute agony. I headed to the treadmill in the hotel, desperate to loosen the muscles seizing up in my legs. I clung to the rails of the machine and lumbered along. I stretched in the hot tub too. Nothing would make the searing pain relent. I wobbled like C3PO from "Star Wars" from errand to errand, while deep zombie like groans escaped me when I had to ascend stairs. By evening I was literally screaming any time I bent my legs. I needed wine.


This morning, the magic of a bottle of wine had me crawling slowly about the hotel room with less zombie horror and I saw that my reflection in the mirror was already a 'tighter' me! Hey now, maybe this isn't so bad.


I have my stinky workout clothes on, a date set with Cristin and am terrified, but headed one more time this week to CrossFit. Pray for me people, this is going to be bad.


-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Positive Changes

Have you ever noticed that the less you exercise the harder it is to even contemplate exercising?  That person that I once was, the one that encouraged other people with the chipper "You can do it! It just takes getting started!" rings in my ears. I want to punch that former self in the face.

Just getting started is the hardest part! It is breaking the now formed habit of sitting on the sofa or sleeping in to get up and start making positive choices. Start making the exercise routine a habit again.

I am left pondering how I got so far off track. How did I go from Marathon, no Ultra Marathon training, to NOTHING? You guys are probably thinking I mean just a few short runs instead of training runs, or that I mean I am doing yoga instead of running...no, I mean NOTHING nothing. Raising that glass of wine to my lips every night has literally been the extent of my movement for months. So what did happen? How do you avoid becoming the mess I have become? I'll tell you, it is all in your mind. (cue Matrix the movie soundtrack)

Yes I did have a head injury that scared the crap out of me. Yes I did and continue to struggle with my aging body and crazy hormone roller coaster. But is that why I became Jabba The Hut? Nooooo my friends, it is because I let my mind tell me lies and I believed them. You are not your thoughts and you have the power to believe them or not (see mom, I have been listening). So choose not to listen to the ones that say it will be too hard or you can't do it and join me to get ahold of your life and body! I just can't let myself drift into a life where I am unable to do things any longer because I let myself become soggy. I don't want to be years down the road saying I thought about running this race or that race, I want to say I DID run those races and visited those far off places. I want to say I fully lived my life and didn't give in to 'stinkin thinkin'. Who's with me?!!!

Did you groan just then? I know, I did too.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com 

TOP 10 REASONS YOU SHOULD LOVE RUNNING IN THE SPRING

TOP 10 REASONS YOU SHOULD LOVE RUNNING IN THE SPRING:

1) The beautiful spring flowers are in bloom!

2) The sun is warm but the air has a refreshing crispness to it...giving you the chance to work up a sweat and then be blasted with a rush of freezing cold air...like your very own little torture chamber.

3) Mud. It keeps those stabilizing muscles in shape as you slip all over the trail.

4) Fierce wind. It's the equivalent of running with weights. Built in resistance.

5) Increased pollen in the air gives you the opportunity to practice your Farmer's Blow.

6) Warm enough weather to finally pull out those running shorts and get started on that awkward runners tan...the one that goes from mid thigh to ankle and makes you look ridiculous in a bathing suit.

7) FINALLY you can start working off the 10lbs you gained over the winter.

8) Get to know all the new dogs in the neighborhood...and reenact scenes from Stephen King's book "Cujo".

9) Realize how out of shape you have become. Nothing like the depressing thought of all your hard work from last season sliding down the tubes as you remember far to many days sitting on the sofa...watching movies...and eating junk food.

10) Nothing beats the taste of a well deserved glass of crisp white wine after a hard run.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

But...

In the last blog I talked about letting go of stress and enjoying what is around me, be that on a run or in my life. I have kept to that and firmly planted about 10 lbs on my ass. This whole "relaxed" way of life somehow entered my brain as eat-whatever-you-want-all-day-long. Needless to say that approach in combination with not running AT ALL, has been no bueno. So with a clear approval from all my doctors regarding my concussion, I started out this week sound in the decision to start running again.

The weekend was jammed with early birthday celebrating for my husband. I had it in mind to run on Sunday, but we had slept in (have to enjoy those few days that actually happens) and then hurry to get to brunch! At brunch we had bloody marys...and it isn't safe to run after drinking.

Monday my husband stole my iPod. I can't run without my iPod. OK I could run without it...but when starting back at running that sounded like just too much to tackle. So I went for a 2 mile walk with my son. It was so delightful! My son is 8 and he is at that fine line of being a child growing into a boy. He noticed beautiful glimmering rocks that reminded him of jewels from the dragon's treasure found in The Hobbit (the book he is currently reading) while also talking about the girl he has a crush on at school and what kind of special valentine to give her. The walk may not have been my imagined catapult into training I'd imagined, but it was perfect for keeping my head in the easy approach I want to incorporate.

Tuesday my dad had hernia surgery and I simply couldn't be a bad daughter and miss being at the hospital just to go for a run. And NO there was not any other time to squeeze it in, how rude of you to ask me that!

Today is Wednesday...and it is snowing like crazy! And my treadmill is broken. OK that is a flat out lie. My treadmill in not broken. But similar to the 'no iPod' issue, climbing on a treadmill right now sounds like a task too great for me to tackle.

There is always tomorrow. Of course tomorrow is Thursday... and my OCD likes to start things on a Sunday or a Wednesday so that is out.

Friday I am going skiing so that makes up for missing the entire week! But on Sunday I will get back at it... on Sunday. Yes Sunday it is!

In my defense, I have dressed in running clothes 3 days this week which they say is half the battle. Also, my husband and I signed up for the New York City Marathon lottery AGAIN so that means my big butt and I have to stop enjoying chocolate quite so much and find a middle ground; enjoy life, but not so much that you forget that pushing yourself a little is what makes you really feel alive.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!

Making Time for Time

Forgive yet another long absence.

I last left you with a running breakthrough and a new mental clarity. It felt good! I ran my long run with my husband on a trail I hate, but made it home well enough. I might as well admit that since my Ultra Runner hubby hasn't been running much lately and I had been, I felt the need to hang tough and show my strength. He of course is a pillar of strength and while he said it was difficult to keep up and finish, you never would have guessed it. He never complains or slows down. He is like a machine put on auto pilot. In truth, it scares me to run with him anymore, I push myself harder than I should and then feel utterly pathetic as I whine and literally moan toward the end of our runs. It has to be not only difficult for him to keep his own personal moral, but sooooo annoying to listen to.

Needless to say, I finished the run...and in order to impress him, tried to suppress my nausea. I am pretty use to the sensation of wanting to vomit after a run, you'd even say I was a pro. The gut twisting knot in the stomach, the beads of sweat that form on the forehead, the clammy skin that you know is a ghostly shade of white...ya, no problem, I got that covered. I can do all my stretches right through that. But THIS...this was different. This nausea started slow, as a sea that senses the storm far before it has hit and the waves are just getting bigger, rising and falling in my throat. Over the evening the nausea increased and the back of my head began to pound.  Finally I had to surrender and swoon "I don't feel good". Damn it, I almost showed him how badass I was!

I think because my hubby hears me say "I don't feel well" so often, he no longer actually attaches that to any real importance...it is simply my state of being. He kindly helped me to bed and mumbled something about the stomach bug going around. I quickly agreed. It couldn't be the run.

Reality set in after a couple days of having recurring concussion symptoms and finally asking all of my medical experts as well as doing a complete Google search (I know, the worst thing to do is be on the computer, but I am compulsive and had to know all the facts) that I had in fact pushed it too soon and given myself a set back. I knew after my fall that the concussion would take time, I took time off! I did as I was told and started back at running slowly. I really thought I had done it right. Now I am forced to take MORE time off.  I am beyond frustrated. My 1st Ultra is slipping away.

This concussion has been a gift in some ways. It has taught me to slow down, get off my phone/ computer/ device and BE. It has given me the clarity to back off work and my compulsive behavior...mostly because I can't remember what the hell I was going to do, the memory issues that go along with this are somewhere between hysterical and horrifying. Maybe just as I had that breakthrough with wrapping my mind around running, this was the slap in the face (or smack to the back of the head as it were) that I needed to wake up and look at how I have been living my life.

My 1st Ultra might not happen this Spring as planned, but I will start back slowly, plug away at an easy pace and enjoy the scenery. Sounds like a great way to live life and to run don't you think?

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com