Hating the Hate

What is the story that is ruining your life? What is the story that you believe so deeply, you see it as truth?

Often it is painful and difficult to look at these stories and question them, as if they are a childhood blanket that you need to insulate you from the world. Only the funny thing is, it is your story that is keeping you from experiencing the joys of the world.

My story (one of the many) is that my body should be better than it is. When I was younger, I scrutinized over every bump, lump and imperfection. Now approaching 40, I would give anything for those imperfections. I struggle to find the beauty in my aging body. I recently found myself saying to a friend that my body was better post baby than it is now. But 'post baby' was almost 10 years ago! Shouldn't I be able to see the progression as natural without wanting to change it? Shouldn't I be able to look in the mirror without uttering moans of disgust?

I have to take a moment to complain, because...that is what I do well. I realize that I am more fit than some and thinner than some, but regardless of your size or health, we can all agree that there is always something you tweak over right? Mine is my butt and upper thighs. I hated my lack of butt when I was younger, but the fact that what little I had has slid down into the cellulite on the back of my thighs, I down right loath it. When I get out of the shower and glimpse the horror of my backside, I morph into a replica of Edvard Munch's painting "The Scream".

So, if we examine this story I have and ask if it true, my answer is "uhhhh...yes! You should workout more and eat better so your butt finds its proper placement!" but this isn't helpful. And when I really take a deep breath and look at this story, I know that being incredibly hard on myself for the way my body looks is ridiculous. I see the older women at the gym walk around completely naked and secure in their bodies. Their skin sags and their lumps roll and their imperfections fade away. When I see these confidant women, I don't see flaws, I see beauty. Each body is unique and tells a story of their lives, the children they have had, the hardships and the struggles as scars caress their curves. And as I rethink my thinking, I see that my insecurities around how my body looks, actually makes me behave in a shielded, unconfident way that ironically, is what is ugly.

Maybe what the truth is, is actually the opposite of our stories. Maybe the pain we cause ourselves is literally all in our heads. Maybe detaching from the story we believe so deeply can give us exquisite freedom to really live, really feel, really enjoy the world around us.

I am trying to workout more. I am trying to eat healthy (sometimes, but hey sometimes is better than never). But the BIG thing I am going to do, is stop believing in the story that my body should be better than it is. After all, when I am 70 I'm going to envy the imperfections I have now, so I might as well enjoy what I've got while I've got it.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com