Friday, April 25, 2014

This is Jacked


After the let down of the race, there comes a haze that descends, a blurry view of the future. What's next?

Since I lost the lottery for the NYC Marathon, I needed to find a new Marathon. Hmmm...where do I want to run 26.2 miles? Since we already had our young son and ourselves all pumped for a trip back East in the fall, we decided to keep to the plan and run a race there. The New Hampshire Marathon was the winner. It should be gorgeous. Running a full Marathon is an effective way to ruin a beautiful place don't you think?

As I looked at the calendar and back counted I realized I needed to start training NOW. Uhhh really?  Seems excessive, but it is because my "coach" (AKA husband) broke out the scary book "Running" by Jack Daniels. Seriously wish he had pulled an actual bottle of Jack out instead. Training with Jack means a long and painful journey. May need to invest in a giant bottle of Jack to deal with training with Jack.

Come to think of it, just thinking about this training makes me need a drink.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Rockin the Race


As the dust settles after the race, everything comes into focus. The constant questioning during training "why am I doing this" finally has an answer, and the answer is so that I can feel like a badass. Was I the fastest person there? No, not by a long shot. But I bested my own time by a lot, I hit my goal time and felt great after the race. All the sweat, tears and screaming were worth it.

The ABQ half marathon was my 2nd half and happened to be almost 4 years to the date after my 1st. As I mentioned, I had a PR (personal record). I wanted to hit a 2:11, I made it in 2:12, an absolute victory. I worked so damn hard and was so fearful and stressed that I wasn't going to be able to do it, that I barely slept the night before and had more anxiety than any other race I've ever run. But once the bullhorn blew and the race started, the training took over and auto pilot kicked in. My husband's coaching advice rang in my ears of how to approach the race, at what miles to hold back and at what miles to push. As I hit 10 miles, tired, I realized I was going to make my secondary goal (best advice I ever got was to set a 2nd goal so you don't feel like a looser if you don't hit your 1st) which was a time of 2:15. I heard my husband's voice again telling me to give it all I've got at the end and I managed to close in on my 1st goal time and I literally sprinted across the finish line. The look of pride and surprise on my husband's face as he saw me running full blast toward the finish was incredible. The feeling of accomplishing my goal that I worked so incredibly hard for was, well... beautiful. And as I heard the bing of my race chip cross the line, I felt the dizzy swirl in my head of the immense effort I just gave and a sense of amazement at my own ability. It shocked me. I felt the arms of my young son crash into me as he squealed in delight "mama you did it!" and a beaming little face tilted up to me full of pride. It became apparent at that moment that I want to raise my son knowing that I am more than just his mom, I'm someone that can do incredible things when I put my mind to it. I want him to know that he can accomplish anything he sets his mind to and the way I'm going to do that is by setting the example.

Another couple of woman are setting the example in my family as well, my mom and sister. These ladies ran the ABQ half as their very 1st half marathon and blew me away. In particular, my mom's experience rocked us. A half marathon is 13.1 miles and requires heavy training, if you are training with a goal in mind, it is brutal training. A half is a big deal. An avid NOT runner, my mom went from sofa to a half marathon in 16 weeks and finished strong. Her training, like all training it seems, was full of agony, despair and fear. Ahhh the love of running right? She was plagued with injury and self doubt, but she mustered an unfathomable amount of grit to not simply complete the half, but make what sounded like a end-of-the-rainbow goal time. To see her cross that finish line with a 2:56 was an unreal experience. There are life changing events that occur in our lives and this was one of them for her, and I got to be there to witness it. I realized, as her daughter, to have this feeling of pride and wonderment for your parent is extraordinary. She has always been an incredible woman and a stellar mother, but this was a new side of her, a side that brought me to tears with the complexity of feelings and awe. It was a very emotional moment.

So what's next? My mom and sister are going to train for another race, even my son is excited to train for a 5K at the age of 7! My "coach" is training for a 50K, he has stepped from crazy runner to certifiable Ultra Runner, and as for me, my training for this half, is actually a step in the training for a full Marathon in the fall. This will be my 2nd full Marathon and of course I have a time in mind that I want to hit. I must admit that as I successfully place a check mark next to this recent goal and this race, I look to the future with some dread...and a little excitement. The race is the pay off to all that hard work. The race and the sense of wonder for your own personal power. It is a magical moment and it is addictive.


Oh and we always celebrate with several bottles of exceptional wine...which might be my real motivation.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Pre-Race Jitters


Well, here I am, it's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I would normally chastise my young son for being up messing around, tell him he just needs to lay in bed and at least let his body rest, but my theories on sleep are far from my thoughts tonight. Tonight I am full of anxiety. 

My half marathon race is on Saturday. You'd think that having run a full Marathon that this wouldn't faze me, in fact I ran 14 miles twice during this training (a half is 13.1 miles), but the trick about running is that you are always in a race against yourself. Always trying to best your own time, finish feeling stronger. The training has pushed you hard and you want to somehow prove that all this hard work wasn't totally crazy...as you sit at your computer in the middle of the night...totally crazy.

Side note on training and crazy: there is a fun by product of pushing your body to ridiculous limits... starvation. There is an instinctual thing that happens that takes you from normal person to the depths of rabid hunger (I don't actually know, are you hungry if you are rabid?). Suddenly you fear the real chance that you might bite people should they stray too close before you've been feed...which needs to happen constantly. Forget weight loss when you are training, I have gained weight with every race. Your body simply freaks out thinking you are trying to kill it and it decides it needs food in the worst way. I mention this as I chew baby carrots like a beaver on crack. Are you getting the crazy scene going on tonight?

This race has been a little weird partly because I've been so public about it and that it is here in my home state, which means a lot of people will be joining me at this race. Writing about my training has inspired a lot of people to train and run for the 1st time, it has inspired people that haven't run in a long time to get back out there and oddly enough, it has inspired people to want to beat me. I offer a solid congratulations to all those wanting to literally "race" me because I am a deathly (new word?) slow runner and racing me is a joke, you will beat me. But with this race, I somehow feel responsible for getting all these people out there running...running is terrible, I'm so sorry people. Running also isn't about an actual race for me, it isn't for most people which is why I always find it funny when people ask me if I think I will win. No I don't plan to win, out of the hundreds or thousands of people running the various races I enter, I plan to finish, I plan to best myself, I plan to... not die.

So...I sign off tonight with the wish that when I write you again, it will be with happy news. I also wish I had drank more wine, seems I can't sleep without my usual "wine tank" full.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Finding Your Religion


We don't tell people they should be running. We don't preach the glory of running. We simply run. We question our sanity (as do many of our friends and family members), but we still do it. It isn't a path for everyone and we don't expect it to be. Running for us, is our religion.

Some take to meditation, some to church, for my atheist husband it is the forest trail. Each of us in the world, is looking for the feeling of connection with nature and the grand scheme of life itself, each of us simply go about finding it differently. Running is that link for many people. Nothing makes you feel so small as the days when the pain is crushing and the world seems to swallow you up, but you have to run through it. Nothing is so glorious as the days when something clicks and you run well, birds chirp and the colors of nature wear a sunset filter.

Running alone doesn't require the same disipline that training does, and likewise running simply to excerise robs you of the feeling of wonder and greatness...and the community of runners at races. Races are full of support, friendly faces and shared stories. Races are also full of limping walks, tear stained cheeks and awe.

Like many that inexplicably find themselves turning toward prayer, full of a driving need to find something bigger, I never thought I would be standing at the finish line of an Ultra Marathon waiting for my husband to come in. This is his 2nd Ultra and as I set up the winery sponsorship table, I feel great pride for being a part of this uniquely amazing event. We not only participate, but we sponsors so that we can support each runner with a much needed glass of wine. Think of it as communion. These people have trained months even years to push their bodies to this extreme; it is a small group of elite and they are impressive. Ultra Marathoners are off the charts crazy...and some of the most centered, modest, incredible people you can meet. It is as if they are the Buddhist monks of the running world and to be in their presence is spine tingling.

My husband is one of them. Jesse ran his 1st Ultra (a 53 miler) 2 years ago. I had wondered at the time if it was a midlife crisis, I wondered if he was secretly questioning if he should leave his family, as if running outrageous distances would give his the time to contemplate it. I wondered if it would literally kill him. Instead he finished so strong that I almost fainted from shock. Now as I wait for him to finish his 2nd Ultra (a very hilly off road 45K), I wring my hands is anticipation. He had feared he wasn't prepared enough and since I had watched his training I quietly feared it too. But as his red shirt flashed in the trees toward the finish line and he confidently strode toward the clapping crowd, I welled up with emotion. He is amazing. He can put pain aside and make want he wants happen. He certainly did that  creating our winery with his brother, and he can obviously tough out a 45K without much training. The magnitude of who he is as a person, the serenity he has come to posses is awe inspiring. He has encouraged me, inspired me, lovingly supported me to do things that I never thought possible. And as his salt stained shirt crashed into my arms, his heart pounding against my chest, tears of pride rolled down my cheeks. This is a church like no other, this is a fast forward of deep meditation. This is what the human body/ mind/ soul can do in the purest form.


Other runners offered congratulations, other families offered up their seats and volunteers gathered food. It is a group of people in a parking lot forming a utopia. My husband, a man broken by the effort of the day, sat on a bench and silently hung his head between his knees. The release was unapparent to those around, but palpable by everyone and it was understood, even cherished. Yes, you did it. Yes, you earned this cry, yes we understand and strangers and loved ones alike are so proud of you. Yet it is understood, this is his journey and his alone. It is truly magnificent to witness.

In that moment of utter open vulnerability, I found my husband to be more manly, more powerful and more incredible than ever before. He has taught me so much about the possibilities of the world and our lives. And so, standing in the beautiful church of nature, I had a deeply spiritual experience, everyone there did.

As I look forward to my race next weekend, I try to set aside my worries and doubts and center into the experience of it. I try to remember it isn't a big deal, I'm just going to church. And my church has big glasses of wine for communion.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Escape


Today's run was good. Did it hurt? Of course, I said I was running didn't I? But it was good in that I felt strong and even, dare I say it...happy?

Maybe it was that I was listening to a TED Talks about being happy that reminded me to be in the moment and be grateful. Maybe it was that it is my taper and I didn't have to slog out an obscene number of miles. The truth is I don't know. I don't know what the secret to running is. I don't think it is fair that I have worked so hard year after year and never got those cherished endorphins science is always talking about. Is my body broken?

Regardless, I have started to seek running. Like most people these days, our lives are a web of work and family duties, bills to pay and questions needing answers. Some days, days like today, it feels suffocating. My compulsive, anxiety prone, high achiever personality can lock me in a room with no windows and only my tweaker thoughts to keep me company. Today, I am struggling with issues involving my special needs son. When my son comes up, everything in me shoots to red alert and I obsess over how to fix, solve or kill the source of my worry with my child. I know, it IS exhausting being me. But today, in the depth of researching my latest issue regarding my son, I decided to stop and go for my run.

I stopped obsessing over my child...and went for a run.

This was huge.

Something about the actual physical pain of running, the simpleness of the act, the quite rhythm of your breathing...well unless you are me, then there is the loud panting mixed with whines and strange grunts...but you get the idea, it is calming. I didn't solve the current issue I am grappling with, but I had the space to simply BE. Maybe this is why I run.

 And...sometimes you just need a damn glass of wine!

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Friday, April 4, 2014

4 Years & Another Half


I just realized that 4 years ago I prepared for my 1st half marathon. I will run my 2nd half marathon almost exactly 4 years later...to the day. What a strange realization!

I don't feel any wiser than I was then. I don't feel like the training has been any easier this time because the push is the same and I still think running seriously sucks most of the time. But what has changed is that I have run a full Marathon and a handful of other races, something I actually swore I would never do after that 1st half. No really I literally screamed "I'm never doing this ever again" from the locked bathroom door that was my prison cell after that 1st half, ya things were not good in TummyTown. But then here I am signed up for another half and I actually cried recently because I didn't get into the Marathon I wanted to for the fall! Who have I become? I'm certainly not the woman whom my husband pay a large sum of money to get to run that 1st half. Yes that is why I ran my 1st half marathon. Don't judge, we had precious little money and it was like winning the lottery...by way of sickening pain.

So all these years later...sure I have gotten faster, I have learned how I need to eat to feel good on a run and I have figured out some other basic tools to become a more efficient runner, but what surprises me the most is that 4 years later, 4 years of training goals and races, I still come home from my long runs and ask my husband if I can quit.

Someone get me a glass of wine, I need it.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

What's Next?


Seems after writing my last blog about the devastation of the NYC lottery telling me NO...and then disappearing for a few days, made everyone think I'd offed myself! It was bad and I needed to sulk for a bit, but it wasn't THAT bad.

The truth is I needed to slump into the "who cares?" mode for a couple days, to take a real look at why I am running in the 1st place. Sure the wow factor of the "Top 15 Marathons" list looks exciting, Napa was amazing, NYC I am sure is even better, but what else is there looming in the far reaches of my mind? After all, a big party and cool shirt are NOT worth running 26.2 miles.

As we all know, I love to hate running, but there is something that drives me to keep at it year after year. Is it the glory of saying "I did something I thought I never could" or is it the process? God knows I talk a lot about the freakin process. Or is it the community of runners it builds around you? It seemed nebulous. Who the hell chooses to do this over and over again to themselves?

After a long weekend of soul searching, and eating my feelings, I decided that I am not ready to throw my shoes over a telephone line and skip out of here. I want to better myself through running. I love the therapy of it, I love the push that makes me feel like I can do anything in the world after beating down a hard run. I love the way I see life with such clarity when I am training. The world is so much bigger than my office desk, packed calendar and my family...I am a part of it and without running, I forget who I am, what I am about, what I want in my life. So what NYC didn't happen this year? I've got bigger and better things to do with running. I WILL run a Marathon in the Fall, which one I'm not sure, but one thing is for sure, I'm going to run it faster than my last one!

(disclaimer: a snail could run faster than my last Marathon time. )

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com