Trial and Error

I think most of us can agree that 2016 was a train wreck of a year. It was filled with death and loss and fear and worry and pain and sadness. My health continues to hang in the balance, nothing significantly changing. But as we creep out of the darkness of the 2016 shadow, I have the tingling sensation of hope.

Hope is a scary concept. Each twist and turn that brings me to a new specialist or new test can tease me with a little hope, then smash me like a car crash with the reality. You see, the test results don't definitively show that brain surgery is the very best treatment. And they want to be 120% sure that is the only way to go. Makes sense. Brain surgery scares the shit out of me. Living the rest of my life like this however, is far scarier.

So what next? Well, you know that saying "trial and error"? Seems we will take that approach. We will do a trial run of a medication that is actually used to treat something completely different than what I have, but a SIDE EFFECT of said drug, is suppression of cortisol production (and that seems to be the asshole in my body making such a mess). If it works, and my symptoms are alleviated, then it will be the definitive proof that surgery needs to happen. If I don't get better or have an adverse reaction to the medication...we are back at square one. I am terrified to let myself give way to hope.

The increasing symptoms and my intense discomfort had me screaming YES to try this drug, even though it is really hard on the liver...and the thing I love most, wine, is hard on the liver...meaning no alcohol for the entire 12 weeks. Zero, zip, ziltch. For 12 weeks. I shall be blogging about this experience as I imagine I will have a great deal of complaining to do.

I'll be starting the meds after Christmas, allowing myself the enjoyment of a couple exceptional bottles of wine with family as we celebrate the end of this God forsaken year.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Running on Empty

I used to complain about the pain of running (fans of this blog remember that well), but now, as I live every day in constant pain, as I adjust to find that pain the norm, I wonder if when I am healthy again and return to running, will it hurt the same way or will I have shifted my threshold for pain and I will be a badass?

Most of you are probably stuck on the part where I said I'd return to running. Are your mouths hitting the floor? I know, it does sound crazy to take up the sport I have spent my 30's complaining about, but for some reason, it sounds appealing. Of course I am also on medication so maybe I'm not thinking clearly.

Speaking of medication...I am so happy to have found something that helps with my full body aches and monstrous nausea. I have a long list of other symptoms that drive me nuts as well, but those 2 are the stand outs that make getting out of bed unbelievably difficult. Even with the meds, it only reduces these little bastards to a dull roar. By 7:30pm it is at the unbearable level and I need to take something strong enough to help me sleep a little. When you see me out and about, looking "normal", it is thanks to a mega dose of meds. As those wear off, I crumble. If I over due one day, I pay the price over the next few. I cancel plans all the time because the act of "I'm ok" is too much.

But all that is depressing as shit! Let's get to the fun part...pot! Yep, the miracle meds are medical marijuana. You have heard about it in the news, know it is legal in some states, wondered about this booming industry, but may not REALLY be familiar with it. Well it is amazing. Did you know that you can get a version that doesn't make you high? I did not know this, but I also never really explored the substance.  This incredible plant combats nausea and pain better than any other drug out there and makes me appear "normal". Having my Medical Marijuana card is allowing me to still work, still be a mom, still be a wife.

So as we return to the conversation of running in the future, as we fantasize that it will be a new and different experience, you may ask yourself "what is she thinking? Is she high?" and the answer is yes.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!

10 Reasons to Binge on Candy & Wine Today

10 reasons you should get to binge eat candy & drink as much wine as you want on Halloween:

1) Do you have kids? Are there kids that live near you? Do you know someone that has kids that you will have to talk to today? ALL children are spastic on Halloween. They can't believe they get to dress up and the promise of a giant bag of candy has created little gremlins. You NEED candy and wine to dull the roaring headache caused by their screaming.

2) You have to work today. It's a Monday and you are an adult...with adulting to do. Now if that doesn't crush the spirit of the little kid living deep inside you, then you are already dead. Either way, you need copious amounts of candy and wine to handle this depressing day.

3) You probably celebrated Halloween over the weekend and are now severely hung over...obviously the only way to right this wrong is more wine and candy.

4) You DIDN'T celebrate this weekend, nor do you plan to dress up or attend any festivities today. In fact you plan on pretending you are not at home while children incessantly ring your doorbell trick or treating. This depressing fact has earned you a private bowl of candy and a bottle of wine all to yourself.

5) You're partner is obnoxiously into Halloween and you have been forced to talk about/ think about/ plan your costumes while decorating your house to look like a Halloween theme park attraction. The fun unseen aspect to this is that the real cobwebs look like the fake ones you decorated with so now you live in actual filth and it isn't funny. You sooooo deserve to over indulge today just to celebrate the end of the torture.

6) You ARE the insane partner obsessed with Halloween and this is the blow out day! It is also a little sad, because your favorite holiday is over and you have to take down all the decorations...soon...soon-ish. You need to medicate with wine and candy to deal with this depressing idea.

7) You have watched far too many horror movies in lead up to today and your anxiety is sky high. Every time you blink or try to sleep, you picture a combination of horrible characters lurking under your bed or behind the door. You seriously need the wine and candy to calm the hell down!

8) You spent your pay check on the over the top costume you invented only to not win the costume contest and realize that tomorrow, that sequined bustier or killer mask you paid a small fortune for is on sale for $.99 and you have no groceries...except for the Halloween candy and left over wine from the weekend parties. There is clearly a solution for tonight's dinner and it isn't that you try to eat the mask.

9) Tomorrow is Day of the Dead! You need to prime your liver for the party tomorrow. No you are probably not going to visit the graves of those who have passed away, but you know they would want you to be warm in your cozy house and drink extra wine for them tomorrow. One has to prepare for this kind of self sacrifice.

10) You absolutely HAVE to eat candy in a manic shovel-it-in sort of a way while washing it down with gulps of wine because there are real people dressing like clowns, wielding sharp weapons and chasing people!!! Don't you watch the news? It is a scary as shit place out there these days and the combination of heavy wine mixed with the intense sugar high is just the combo needed to be relaxed enough to leave the house and alert enough to fight for your life should you encounter a psycho clown.

Halloween Pairings: Vivac Chardonnay with candy corn, Vivac Rose with red licorice, Vivac Tempranillo with peanut butter cups, Vivac Cabernet with snickers, Vivac Club Select red wine blend with milk-duds.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Treading Water

Treading water might be a good workout, but it is exhausting. I've been treading water for months now as my health continues to be compromised and getting worse. I'm past frustration, I'm now at surviving.

So what are the facts? I have a long list of symptoms that all point to a tumor on my pituitary. We have MRI images of a tumor on my pituitary. So lets take that sucker out right? Wrong. My blood tests are all over the place so the Doctor's are not willing to do a surgery that while it is "the easiest of brain surgeries", it has very real risks. Until they have 110% positive proof that that is the only way to handle this, we just keep testing. I'm surprised I have any blood left in my body. In the mean time my symptoms that used to kick into full gear after I exerted myself, are now everyday requiring CBD tincture to keep the violent vomiting at bay. If I now exert myself, I am restricted to bed with crushing pain and cancer patient style vomiting.

(side note, cannabis is an amazing plant that is saving me, the fact that they can separate out the THC so I can take the CBD all day is incredible)

I have resisted writing an update because I have become sour. I'm officially the "if you don't have something nice to say, come sit next to me" person. Chronic pain can do that to you. Of course you will have to find me 1st, the other part of this is that the effort to put on the mask of 'everything is ok' is too much sometimes and I'd rather be a recluse. Just give me a glass of wine and a movie please!

I did manage to go on our Annual Gourmet Wine Raft Trip down the Rio Chama. I couldn't imagine a float trip being that hard on me especially with the incredible guides at New Mexico River Adventures who take impeccable care of you, waiting on you hand and foot and the phenomenal 4 course dinners each night by Chef Rocky Durham are paired with all of our delicious wines...I mean it is almost like I HAD to go for my health! But by day 3 and the final stretch home, it was unbearable. My mask was non-existent and I was afraid my weak body, crippled in pain and nausea would topple over into the river where I would literally be treading water. Luckily I stayed in the boat, but I haven't been the same since.

On the up side, the trip was filled with people that start out as strangers and end up best friends. It really is unlike any other trip n the world. On the down side, I spent the days following vomiting uncontrollably, shaking and scaring the crap out of my family. We start therapy for my 10 year old this week.

I'd like to be able to make jokes like I usually do, sound like I'm staying positive, but I'm afraid I actually could die from this before they figure out how to help me.

If I do die, please bury me with a bottle of wine.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

10 Ways Running is Like Having a Brain Tumor

In an unfortunate turn of events, I have the unique ability to make this list. As a once-upon-a-time runner and a current brain-tumor-train-wreck I am finding there are many similarities between my experiences training for races and the issues that come from navigating life with the strange challenges of having a brain tumor. I also believe it's important to laugh when things are miserable...and this blog has always been about laughing at my misery so here goes...

1) Nausea: 
          Brain Version: In my particular case, I am constantly nauseous. It is so bad that should I forego my meds, I literally shake and vomit from the extraordinary nausea.

          Running Version: I don't know how you run, but I am always about to vomit when I run. Training runs that work on speed...vomit. Training runs that work on strength...vomit. Training runs that extend the distance...vomit.

2) Conflicting Advice:
          Brain Version: People really want to help. And from their excitement to "heal" me, come many interpretations of how to handle a brain tumor. Some say do the surgery, others say meditate, while others still believe diet will be the trick. Any option I go with will always be met with "you should get another opinion". It's actually pretty entertaining to see your community of friends, family and work colleagues cris-cross with varying ideas that so completely contradict each other. It's like my own private soap opera! To be perfectly honest, prior to all this, I had zero idea where the pituitary was located, I had no idea what a tumor on the pituitary would make my body feel and I sure as hell didn't know how a tumor located on the pituitary would be removed so I am never mad at people for not understanding. That said, I hate kale, please stop telling me to eat kale. I hate kale so much that eating it could possibly make my tumor grow bigger.

          Running Version: Again, people really want to help! And with running, everyone is an expert. I bought my 1st pair of running shoes after being professionally fitted and BOOM, I was telling everyone how their running shoes should fit. People tell you your stride is too long just as others are telling you it is too short. There are opinions on what to eat before, during and after and then there is the opposite idea of not eating at all (well not EVER, just not before, during or right after a run). It's impossible to decide the path to take, but you have to make your own decisions that feel right for your body. That goes for running or brain tumors.

3) Contemplating Death:
         Brain Version: This one is obvious, you could actually die. I have contemplated my own mortality in the way we all do, 'if I only had a few months left to live, what would I spend that time doing?'. I think we all quit our jobs and escaped to a beach in that fantasy. But when the reality of creating a will and writing goodbye letters to your young son slaps you in the face, it takes on a gravity of its own. I have to work to pay doctor bills, I have to try to keep some amount of normalcy in my son's life because we plan that I will NOT die, in which case it would be bizarre if I pulled my son from school and we spent months watching movies and eating only chocolate. I do take every single second to hug my son and tell him how much I love him.

          Running Version: You feel like you could actually die. Long runs test the limits and after every single one, I have laid on my living room floor, sipping wine through a straw and contemplate my impending death. Short runs I have always push too hard and that's when my body fights back with the threat of a heart attack. The risk is real people.

4) Lots of Crying:
          Brain Version: After #3 you may be crying with me. I cry A LOT. I cry out of pain (I feel like a character in a Stephan King book that has been crumpled into a distorted figure, like a piece of paper wadded up to be thrown away), my body hurts. I cry out of frustration. I cry out of fear. I cry out of desperation because I love my family so much and I never want to say goodbye. I cry because my body has been hijacked. I cry because this is beyond hard.

          Running Version: Anyone that has read this blog over the years, knows I'm all about the crying...before, during and after I run. I cry from pain, from frustration, from fear and because it is too damn hard to handle sometimes. You see? Same, same.

5) Pain:
          Brain Version: #4 kinda nailed it on this topic already, so let's leave it at "pain, a brain tumor's best friend"

         Running Version: Shin splints, heel spurs, pulled tendons, knee screaming (yes that is a thing...my knees scream), headaches, tummy cramps, back spasms...running is all about pain! Wake up early to run, PAINFUL! Wait till after work to run, PAINFUL! Skip a run, then feel bad about yourself so you eat foods you shouldn't to numb the bad self talk and wash it down with a couple too many glasses of wine so now you have to run the next day fat and hungover, PAINFUL!

6) Denial:
         Brain Version: The 'maybe this is all in my head' is so much more than a funny pun. My symptoms started slow and then sped up...like they saw the finish line and decided to make a good PR (Personal Record, runners speak for 'prove your worth in minutes'). The bummer was none of the symptoms seemed all that important and tests aren't clear cut so over and over again I was faced with the questions "Am I crazy? Am I imagining these things? Can I will it away?". Let's face it, just saying 'I have a brain tumor' is so odd that it sounds like the build up to a joke, it begs you to lay in a big comfy bed of denial. And when the doctors talk about the risks, it is hard not to stick my fingers in my ears and shake my head no...denial makes it possible to handle this bit by bit, without it I would be frozen in fear.

         Running Version: Everyone has their own level of denial with running. Mine is that some day I will enjoy running...wait, no, mine is that I will one day be a fast runner...wait, no, it's that running...sucks and I keep sugar coating it in denial so I can force myself to experience hell over and over again. But that's just me. Other people are on the other side of the spectrum, running all the time, always faster, always longer distances, always with a smile on their face...these people are sick and are in denial of their sickness.

7) Depression:
          Brain Version: uhhhhh der, do I really need to explain this one?

          Running Version: You can be depressed because you had a hard run when you didn't expect it. You can be depressed when you don't PR a race. You can be depressed if you get injured. I get depressed knowing I have to hit a big run, or a speed day and I can get really depressed if a cold takes me out and I can't run at all. That's how we should have known I had a brain tumor, I hate not running as much as I hate running.

8) Need for Wine:
         Brain Version: I am still allowed to have my wine, my beautiful liquid gold (errr...that comes in red, yellow or pink). Wine is supportive, always understanding, always available at a moments notice. Wine soothes your worries and makes the world a happy place. What? We own a winery, you think I'd say anything other than the fact that wine is magic?

         Running Version:Why would anyone attempt running without knowing a glass of wine was waiting for them at the end? I chose to run Napa Valley Marathon as my 1st full Marathon because it is in wine country. They have wine at check in for the race, need I say more? The allure of 'which wine will I have at the end of soul jolting experience' has always been a rewarding game during my runs. And it is proven that wine heals the muscles after the tear down of a training run as well as settling the tummy after long distances. It's proven by me, but I'm a wine professional so you can trust it as fact.

9) Headaches:
          Brain Version: Supposedly it is NOT the tumor in my head that is causing the headaches, but rather what it is telling the pituitary to do which is telling my body to keep making crazy amounts of cortisol which in turn gives me headaches...so it could be argued that it IS the tumor making my head hurt, just not the way you imagined it.

          Running Version: You know that thumping at your temples, the grip over your skull that won't release? Maybe you had it as a child when you would run your very hardest while playing soccer or tag? Or if you are a runner, during speed work? Or if you are me, the feeling after I've run to the point of throwing up and I've been dry heaving on the side of the highway while trucks blow exhaust in my face.

10) Lack of Memory:
           Brain Version: This is the ridiculous part. As my body tries to cope with a crazy amount of cortisol, it affects my memory. While I used to be a type A person who enjoyed keeping many balls in the air, I have been reduced to a total dumbass. I say the wrong word, I make mistakes at work, I say the completely wrong thing yet am sure I said what I meant and I can't remember the names of people, places or things. Good times! I now have more compassion for elderly people. I'm still that type A person inside, peering out at the mess I'm creating and rolling my eyes.

          Running Version: Like childbirth, after the horror of the event itself is over, the celebration has washed you in a glow and the pain fades into a memory...you forget how hard the training was. You decide to look into other races. Blissfully you sign up for a new torture session of training and it all starts over. Kinda like each new day with a brain tumor.

Not everyone can have a brain tumor, I know you are all jealous, so you will have to take my word for it...Running is just like having a Brain Tumor. Only running might be worse.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Grin and Bear it

You know the saying "grin and bear it"? Well that has become my motto since being diagnosed with a tumor on my pituitary.

I keep hearing "but you look fine!". I wonder what people are expecting me to look like? Drooling on myself? Depressed? Angry? Weeping? Because I am all those things (I try to keep the drooling to a minimum), but only at home where I can hide it. When I am in public, I grin and bear it.

At this point I can slap on a smile, joke and laugh for a few hours, max... on a good day. When I get home, much like the way I use to crash after a long Marathon training run, I am wasted from the effort. The effort not to vomit while choking down food. The effort to smile and say "everything's fine". The effort to pretend that I'm OK with my body being completely hijacked. The effort to not start drinking wine in the morning.

During this experience I have gained 25 lbs in a rapid, out of control manner. This is a typical part of Cushing's Disease. It is also typical for the weight to focus on the face and belly...like I'm 6 months pregnant. It is also typical that I now have facial hair yet I'm loosing it off the top of my head, really not a fair trade in my book. It's typical to have horrible acne, it's typical to have difficulty sleeping, memory loss and burred peripheral vision and nausea and headaches and pain. I look like a grumpy, balding, bearded pregnant lady. And at the end of all this, the only out is brain surgery. There isn't anything I can do to help the symptoms or quell the fear, all I can do is grin and bear it.

People want me to "think positive". I can't help but think that is either because they don't know what to say (believe me I get it, what do you say?) or is it because people are incredibly uncomfortable with mortality? I am actually a big believer in the idea that you can make your own hell or happiness all based on your thinking, but there is also the truth of what I am dealing with. This is unlike anything you or I have ever imagined. Until you have actually been faced with a brain tumor and eminent surgery (no one wants to think about having their brain poked at), you really don't know what it is like and thinking positive isn't always possible. The illness is with me constantly and the surgery hangs over me, and those I love most, every moment of every day. This isn't like when my gallbladder up and died and needed immediate removal. This isn't like when they placed my organs in bowls to pull my baby out via c-section. This is my brain. The risk factors are real. No amount of "positive thinking" is going to help as I set up a will or write the suggested 'goodbye' letters to loved ones. This is different.

It isn't that I don't love everyone's letters and messages that are meant to cheer me up, they really do help, but it is the reality that the game of "what if you only had a few months to live..." never resonated, really resonated until it became a true possibility. Now here is where you are all thinking 'no, don't think that way!' right? Believe me I am planning to be on being around to make inappropriate jokes and be an annoyingly affectionate mom to my son for a very long time...but again, the risks are real and until you live it in the vivid technicolor way I am, you just won't understand.

It feels like I'm at mile 22 of a Marathon, the strain about to break me. The end is in sight, yet each step, each moment feels like an eternity. And like being at mile 22, I just want to escape...so I don't leave the house much anymore. Menial tasks of cleaning or laundry are daunting much less trying to act normal, which isn't working out very well by-the-way, my memory loss makes me a total asshat, but sometimes it is a necessary evil. Yesterday I had a big day, I had to fake it literally all day in order to work. I swallowed a handful of pills and focused on being bright and cheery. By 8:30pm, I suddenly felt like I'd been hit by a Mac truck.  My ability to 'grin and bear it' is fading fast.

It seems to be getting more intense week by week. Symptoms worsen and I try to feel good enough to get out of bed and make my son breakfast. Someone said that my fear was contributing to my son's anxiety. My son just turned 10. While I do have fear, intense panic attacks in fact (another fun side effect of the abnormally high cortisol levels), I have never been a person that lived my life in a place of fear, in fact I usually use that feeling to launch myself into something wild and new, I use it to my benefit. So is my fear adding to my son's anxiety, maybe. Or maybe he is a young boy who rightful has fears over the possibility of losing his mom. I don't know about you, but I never had to tackle such a scary subject when I was 10. Even as a 38 year old woman, I crumple at the idea of losing my mom. Maybe it would make people more comfortable if my son would just grin and bear it.

This post feels a little like a Debbie Downer, but just as there is the ugly, snot crusted, sweaty side to running, so too does this experience and since I never shied away from sharing the good the bad and the ugly of my running exploits, why start now?

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

A Whole New Marathon

There are lots of Marathons we run during our lives. There is the Marathon of getting through school, there is the Marathon of making a relationship last or the Marathon of raising children. Some know the Marathon of sticking out a job you hate or the Marathon of surviving loss. You don't have to be literally running in order to "run" a Marathon.

Over the last couple of years, all of you have read as I attempted to train for an actual Marathon...and failed. Over and over again I failed. Each time seemed harder than the last, more of a hit to my endurance to stop and then start over. This past year, it got much much worse and the ability to even try to train became ridiculous. The only time I could post was to tell you of how ashamed I was that I wasn't 'doing my job'. My body simply would not cooperate.

As I attempted to medicate all the insane symptoms that plagued me, I lost my ability to think positive. I lost a great number of things over this time and running was one of the 1st to go. As the months ticked away, what started as annoying became worrisome, I started spending more time at the Doctor's and the hospital than at home (OK maybe that is a slight exaggeration, I never did loose my ability to be dramatic, but it really felt that way). Then severe symptoms gave way to specialists, blinding headaches, crushing bone pain, constant and horrible nausea and blurring in my peripheral vision...on top of a long long list of other things that made life unbearable.

I started to feel like a crazy person as test after test came back to say YES there is a problem (hypercortisolism) but we can't find where it is coming from. Evidently, other than my 2 page list of ailments and a unrelenting cortisol issue, I was healthy as a freakin horse!

Finally, the tests of all mega tests, the MRI. The MRI is scary for lots of reasons, 1) Doctor's don't really seem to want to go there unless there seems a good cause (I'd LOVE to see what I've racked up in cost for my insurance company), 2) They shoot you up with a contrast liquid that is decidedly NOT good for your body, 3) the machine is so damn loud that you could actually go deaf, 4) they put a cage like thing over your head, shove you in a claustrophobic tiny tunnel and tell you not to move. I got to do this for a full hour, lucky girl. OH and the mother of all reasons this test sucks...the big #5...something could be wrong with your brain.

Over the years of my life, I have been prone to strange occurrences and happenings, perhaps I will share these in a blog some other time, but when they say "rare" I prepare myself for "you've got it". So, as they did all these tests, in the back of my head (ha! have to stop to give respect to this pun) I wondered if they would find it in my head. My husband the entire time was thinking the whole thing was in my head so...there is that.

You know what sucks about always being right? When you wish you weren't. The results of my MRI show a tumor on my pituitary. The pituitary is located at the front of the skull, essentially behind the nose (not at the back of the head, but that pun was still hilarious). Many tumors on the pituitary are "non-functioning", but guess what kind I got? With all the other tests, symptoms and Doctor visits, it seems brain surgery is the best plan of action. If I wasn't so damn miserable ALL THE TIME, perhaps I would have pooped my pants at this news, as things are, I simply breathed a sign of relief.

I'm excited to have a solution. Am I terrified of the risks? Uhhhhh YES! Have I tried to push the nagging questions of what will happen if I leave my young son in this world without me, my sweet boy that I have advocated for, protected and nurtured, what will happen to him if I am not here...have I tried to not think that thought? Ya, every moment of every day and most hours of every night. He is my heart and soul and there is no way I have had enough time with this incredible little person. And then I think of my husband, the man that even now tries to be my rock, always protecting me, always there to buoy me, be it an incredibly difficult run...or this. He is truly the love of my life and I'm so lucky to have had him holding my hand all this time. Even the thought of saying goodbye to him makes my heart sear with white hot pain.

Amazingly I don't have any regrets, should I go now. I feel I have lived a wonderful full life. Except I probably should have had MORE wine, why was I saving that "special" bottle? And clearly I could have nagged my husband more, he'd love that.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Stop! Ahead...it's a Bear/ Dog!

I have always been afraid of being attacked by a bear while out running. Some people are more worry-warts than others. I am freaked out about my child being abducted or abused, I am panicked by unseen health issues and I am sure that my loathing for snakes means I will absolutely be bit by a rattlesnake at some point. But I digress, back to the bear... I have pictured my mauling in many different scenarios ranging from surprise attack, to the confrontation where I try to fight the bear head on, to the almost-got-away-oops-no-I-didn't death. I have a vivid imagination and clearly I have used most of my talent for planning how to handle the vast array of bear attacks (along with all the horrific things I mentioned above) I would face in my life as a runner. My husband has always responded with a roll of his eyes. It isn't that he doesn't believe that a bear attack could happen, it's that he thinks tweaking about the very rare occurrence of one maybe possibly happening as a waste of time. Well one of us will be prepared and the other...well, the other will be saying his wife was right as he inhales the putrid smell of a bear's breath and bleeds to death on a trail.

After all these years of running, I have never seen a bear. I hear stories of them coming down into our sleepy little mountain town, others have had actual encounters, but me? No, my defense skills continue to go untested. I started to think my husband might be right and I could stop clenching the bear spray in my fist as I jogged, I could relax a bit and simply enjoy my surroundings, but then last fall a friend was walking near her house and was charged by a bear! She was left shaken and deeply grateful to her dogs who jumped between her and the ragging bear. She now has PTSD from this experience. Then a few weeks ago as my parents were hiking in the woods, my mom saw a bear cut across the path. My mom's sighting sent her sprinting to the car. My dad on the other hand curiously looked for the bear and then determined that it must have been a dog...as if my mom was daft enough not to be able to tell the difference between a bear and a dog. Clearly that saying "a daughter will grow up to marry a man like her father" is true, these two men obviously don't take bear attacks seriously enough.

Then it happened. A runner running a Marathon in an area we know well, where my husband and his brother ran their 1st Marathon, was attacked by a bear. Luckily she is OK. The runner is OK, the mother bear who was protecting her cubs is decidedly NOT OK.

Life is no joke. We run through it blissfully unaware until we are attacked by the unimaginable. Maybe it's better that way, maybe it's better to have a plan of defense, both could be argued. But I feel validated for having been freaked out over bear attacks because they do happen! So you can roll your eyes along with my husband or act like the fears are as benign as someone's pet dog like my dad, but I am going to go buy more bear spray, encourage my friend with PTSD to venture out again, applaud my mom for her sprinting skills and raise a glass in cheers to the runner that survived a bear attack.

I wonder if this runner who was attacked had a defense plan. Is this why she survived? I think I may need to call her and ask for advice.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Green With Envy

You know what is interesting? The feeling of jealousy that comes with NOT working out.  Watching/ hearing about other people working out makes me sick. It doesn't help that Facebook has memory notifications that alert me to the fact that I haven't always been a lazy ass, it highlights the deliciously cruel workouts that pushed me to be in better shape, get the PR at the next race, be in a good mood...only now it all makes me mad.

I haven't been able to run or workout due to some health issues (that is a whole different story) and now I feel trapped in the inability to do so. Trapped in a body that refuses to do what I want. And then, adding insult to injury, we sponsored the Taos Marathon and watched toned, athletic forms strut into the Tasting Room and trade in the prizes we'd showered on winners with obnoxious glee. A jealous twitch took over my right eyelid and seems to be permanent. The usual enthusiasm for fellow runners was traded for a sour sarcastic statement of how I'd be getting back at it soon. But the truth is that I don't know when that is going to be.

We take simple things for granted, the ability to get up and go to our jobs, our ability to go workout or for a run, the ability just to feel good. The deep irritation at the realization of how much I have taken for granted feels as if it is tinting my skin green.

Clearly all I can do is to pour a glass of wine and ponder how I will be different when I am feeling better.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Unmanageable

Fueled by Vivác use to mean something much different. Four years ago I ran my first full Marathon in Napa, it was Fueled by so much more than just Vivác... it was Fueled by the whole Napa Valley; I love me some Napa wines! But now my Fueling looks so different. 

Getting up in the morning chasing after the kiddo, work work work and more work only to finish, come home and have to clean, do laundry and cook dinner oh yes and be a wife and mom! That's when I really need to start Fueling. There's no way to possibly Fuel enough at the end of a day. I realized that I'm running on fumes. But now I'm too tired and I need to just go to bed. The next day it starts all over again. I am being Fueled by irritability and coffee and my precious wine has (gasp) become a once in a while treat. Clearly I will be going to Hell for this. 

That's when I hit bottom. I realized my life was unmanageable without proper Fueling. Why are we living lives that are so out of balance? Where is the time to stop and smell the Rosé (FYI Rosé is different than blush, it is a pink wine that gets its color from the grape skins, maintains great acidity with fuller fruit notes than many white wines)? How is it that when we were on food stamps and starting our winery, starting our family, we were LESS stressed? Was it that we made sure to Fuel more? Those late nights spent at the kitchen table, talking for hours with my husband have been swapped for lists of errands the other can do the next day. Somehow the shift happened and left us in the dust... parched. 

But life is not over...despite the fact that we have been shoved into our 40's (ok actually only my husband is 40, but I'm close), we don't have to let the world of "To Do's" knock us off course. We can regain our will to properly Fuel once again and save our souls from the depths of a wineless world. 

I'll just need a gallon of water, 6 Ibuprofen and 3 days to recover.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.vivacwinery.com

Top 10...For The Lazy

TOP 10 SPRING TIME EXCUSES FOR RUNNING

allergies are horrible

it is deceptively cold out

the wind is horrible

the mud has made all trails a disaster

I might be catching a cold

I just got over a cold

my warm running clothes don't fit

oops I planned another meeting during running time

I think I hear my phone ringing

there is wine I need to be drinking


I'm pretty sure I used all of these this past week...but the last one is my fave.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

The Dark Side

It has been an intense month or so since I last blogged...and published it. I lost someone who I loved and admired. I had, since I was a child, felt a part of his family as I grew up with his kids. I'd spent holidays laughing with him and his family, weddings, babies and everyday happenings filled the years...and then suddenly he was gone. It was crushing for me, but down right demolishing for my pseudo siblings. The experience was very difficult to say the least. I will spare you a long drawn out explanation of the weeks that have passed and get into the present and the reason you actually read this thing (thank you so much for doing so)...FUELING!

During hard times, working out seems like a complete joke. Yet, with time and distance, the distraction and exertion becomes welcome. Even for a self proclaimed lazy person such as myself, a workout of some sort needed to happen.

OK, let's clarify, obviously I never stopped "Fueling" because...we own a winery for one, wine is mourning's best friend, and lastly...my body might shut down if I did something so rash as to stop drinking.

Now back to my story. A few short runs in, I decided I might be part sloth. My running just gets slower each time I return to it! Since I am easily discouraged, and with my hormones raging (because it seems I am also going through very early menopause...or hell, I can't tell which) I decided a softer approach was needed. Yoga, yes yoga is going to be better.

Some of you may remember a somewhat recent blog about my experience with stinky yoga, so let me explain to you guys...I am SO lazy that returning to the packed room full of smelly people seemed like more of a possibility than running. See? Part sloth.

When you are unmotivated, depressed and have hormones raging, it is no surprise that your clothes may start shrinking on you. My workout clothes seem to have decided that they belong to my child because they gripped my fat in ways most unpleasant. As I wiggled into various yoga contortions, the said clothing rolled into rubber bands of pain. Various parts of my body became sausaged into bulging sections with each new position. I tried to quietly tug at the various scraps of cloth, hoping they would stretch to encompass the embarrassing naked skin now revealed to the world, but the more I tugged, the more I brought attention to myself and distracted the very serious yogis around me.

To add insult to injury (literally), the old lady in-front of me started farting. Not once, but every few minutes she just let it rip. I'm sure you are thinking to yourself that I should have simply moved my mat out of the current of her ass, but these classes are literally packed with extreme garlic eaters and do gooders so my only option would have been going to the front and center of the room...in my new rubber band fat revealing fun suit. I decided face full of fart was better than THAT misery.

All I can say is that that one hour yoga glass deserved a full dose of Fueling.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Mind Over...Junk Food

You all thought I'd disappeared didn't you? Surprisingly I am still here and have actually started my mandated "5 Day Fitness" week...or whatever G.I.Jane is calling it. Last week was the warm up and I actually tried to eat right and workout regularly. Yes, all the football watching over the weekend resulted in tatter tots and sausage cheese balls, but instead of eating an unlimted number, I actually counted out a portion and stuck to that. You have no idea how hard that was. I also went skiing a couple days in a row in deep powder. I decided that was enough to reward myself with time on the sofa...nursing the muscles I have discovered in my butt from skiing. I mean really? I'm sore THERE?

Yesterday was Day 1 of the real deal. Maybe it was knowing that the time was here to buckle down that sent me off the edge. Like a little girl I melted into a temper-tantrum over going to the gym. The bitter cold of the day had me daydreaming of excessive carbs and a warm blanket. Green chile cheese burgers, donuts and a beer. I don't eat wheat so you can see how these items are a sign of complete psychosis. It was an incredibly tough day.

But, I did it. I ran on the treadmill AND did the crossfit inspired exercises prescribed. I went to work at my favorite cafe and I skipped over the gluten free quinoa cookies I love (no really they are amazing!) and opted for the quinoa salad instead. At dinner I skipped the cheddar cheese I love and had a healthy version of chicken tacos (thank God for salsa). By 10:04pm I was STARVING, but sent myself to bed. It was difficult, but doable.

Day 2 is underway, my workout is looming and I am dreading it, but I actually was excited about my tuna salad creation at lunch. Surely this means I'm moving in the right direction right?

Either that, or the fantasy that I get to eat that green chile cheese burger at the end of these 5 days is my secret motivation.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!

Knowing When to Ask For Help

I've decided that since I have zero motivation and even less willpower, I need professional help. I decided to call in the big guns, my friend Bridget who says her profession is as a personal trainer/ nutritionist, but I am pretty sure she is actually G.I. Jane.

Immediately my friend jumped into action and sent me a daily workout detail and meal plans. She had to send it to me because she lives a safe distance away (6 hours)  in Las Cruces, New Mexico. This woman's body is waaaaayyyy too intimidating to have her train me in person. My cellulite would cry and tremble with despair simply having her in the same room.

I have to admit, I am a wee bit scared...but as you all know from reading this blog over the years, I only seem to accomplish my goals when I am fearing for my life. So, I have been working out (I'm in prep for the scary week next week) and I actually ate tuna fish seasoned with jalapeno, lime juice and pepper, with a side of cucumber slices and carrots. This may sound normal to some of you, but for those that know me well, they will be shocked by this information. The only thing I hate more than tuna fish, is vegetables. Shhhhh... don't tell my son, because I make him eat vegetables. I don't make him eat tuna fish because he literally throws up when he tastes the texture of meat and fish... and I have to clean that up. I should mention that I might, however, actually have a serious allergy to working out, we are looking into it. I feel like I may need extra wine to choke this all down. Oh yes, she is letting me keep my wine. She might be scary in shape, but I am a monster if someone tries to step between me and my wine (imagine the mom saving her baby by lifting the car...only that would be me getting to my wine).

So there you have it, G.I. Jane and I are going to tackle this project and separate my butt from my thighs.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

New Year, New You...or Maybe Not

New Year's Eve...some people's heaven, other people's hell.

Are you one of those people that on New Year's Eve writes a list of all the things you will change in your life with the new year? Did you formulate strategies on how to accomplish all your new goals? Did you promise to start 2016 with working out, eating right and saving the planet?

I sure as hell didn't. I drank a ridiculous amount of wine, ate a big plate of birthday brownies in honor of the birthday girl who couldn't make it to her own party and lied about resolutions. I said I'd make changes, but clearly my flabby, lazy butt likes the sofa better than that horrific word "exercise".

When New Year's Day was rang in, the party was at a glorious roar, clearly the time for outrageous statements that include words like "Marathon" or "weight loss"  and glorified ideas of the future (meaning you think you will suddenly have willpower and motivation simply because the date changed). By the time the day was more in focus, I had a glaring headache and the call of the great outdoors was more like a horror movie scream. There was no way I was leaving the comfort of the cabin in which we were cuddled up in. And in fact a mimosa would be mandatory. And what of those glorified statements about running and getting fit? Well, they would have to wait till Sunday. Sunday is such a good day to start new things isn't it? It sets the tone for the entire week and sets you right. Yes, Sunday would be the 1st day of the new me of 2016!

You know what sucks about Sundays? It is the end of the vacation, it is the signal that the work week looms. It is NOT a day for exercise. In fact if you are a football fan, it is distinctly meant for Bloody Mary's and hot wings. And I am a football fan.

Mondays are busy with back to work routines and Tuesdays just suck so WEDNESDAY it is. Wednesday is the start of the new me in 2016 and it will be epic!

Now to find a glass of wine in order to cheers myself on how awesome I will be starting Wednesday.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com