We didn't win the New York City Marathon Lottery and I am devastated.
So, who cares right? Just do a different race! It isn't that simple. Here is why NYC meant so much to me...
As those of you that routinely read this blog know, running isn't JUST running for me. So much more happens when you train hard. The same goes for races, they aren't just races, they are pinnacles in your life and often are chosen for sentimental reasons. The NYC Marathon was a sentimental choice.
My attachment to NYC started in high school. My story is long and boring so I will skip the details and leave you with the fact that I have tried to move there several times and never actually made it, we have a tumultuous relationship. When I visit NYC I am filled with dreams of 'what if'. It is a city beyond all other cities to me. My love affair finds every season there fascinating. The gorgeous Spring when Central Park bursts into bloom and vibrant colors, Summer where it sizzles and the raw intensity of its people boil, Fall where magic swirls in the cooler air and mesmerizing trees, and finally Winter, Winter is where the city dazzles cloaked in white and holiday lights. Now, as I said I have never LIVED there so my visits are obviously skewed by 'vacation eyes' and I know all my NYC readers are going to write me hate messages about how horrible Summers and Winters are there, but hey, let me have my fantasy.
As I have fought with running, training, quitting and starting up again over the years, I have been afraid of the BIG races. Somehow they seemed reserved for the "real runners". NYC is a BIG race. My decision to run another full Marathon was not an easy one. I struggled with the decision to commitment to torture myself for the lengthy required training schedule. Every time I start training I battle fear. I fear that I won't make it to the end. I fear that I will and will want to do it again. And so, when I decided I would run another Marathon, I also decided to take on a BIG race. This was a pinnacle race, this race ran in my city would be a changing point in my life. It was a quite way of saying to myself 'I am a runner', I can and more importantly I want to do this. Because of the fears and insecurities running brings up for me, it is not an easy statement, 'I want to do this', it seems simple, but believe me it is anything but.
So here I am, registered for NYC, starting my loooonnnng road of training and I'm waiting. I was waiting for the lottery to tell me I had a place in the city I love. I was waiting for it to tell me that I am a runner, a real runner. I was waiting for the lottery to tell me I could do it.
The lottery said no.
Now I am left with only my self doubt and the feeling of loss. A deep feeling of loss. Are there other races? Yes, but they aren't my race. People tell me "oh well, do it next year" as if the battle I fight to train is easily transferred to another time, as if there is a pause button that can be magically pushed. The truth is, I have to decide what to do now. I am in it NOW, like a rock climber half way up a rock face when the rope is cut and I am left, stranded in the middle...desperate and scared. Do I keep going up, or stop and go back down. Both options are terrifying.
To all of those that did win the NYC Marathon lottery, congratulations! I will raise a glass in cheers to each and every one of you on November 2nd. Each and every one of the 50,000 runners...man I'm gonna be snockered!
-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com
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