Silly, Not Everyone Can Win the Lottery!

We didn't win the New York City Marathon Lottery and I am devastated. 

So, who cares right? Just do a different race! It isn't that simple. Here is why NYC meant so much to me...

As those of you that routinely read this blog know, running isn't JUST running for me. So much more happens when you train hard. The same goes for races, they aren't just races, they are pinnacles in your life and often are chosen for sentimental reasons. The NYC Marathon was a sentimental choice.

My attachment to NYC started in high school. My story is long and boring so I will skip the details and leave you with the fact that I have tried to move there several times and never actually made it, we have a tumultuous relationship. When I visit NYC I am filled with dreams of 'what if'. It is a city beyond all other cities to me. My love affair finds every season there fascinating. The gorgeous Spring when Central Park bursts into bloom and vibrant colors, Summer where it sizzles and the raw intensity of its people boil, Fall where magic swirls in the cooler air and mesmerizing trees, and finally Winter, Winter is where the city dazzles cloaked in white and holiday lights. Now, as I said I have never LIVED there so my visits are obviously skewed by 'vacation eyes' and I know all my NYC readers are going to write me hate messages about how horrible Summers and Winters are there, but hey, let me have my fantasy.

As I have fought with running, training, quitting and starting up again over the years, I have been afraid of the BIG races. Somehow they seemed reserved for the "real runners". NYC is a BIG race. My decision to run another full Marathon was not an easy one. I struggled with the decision to commitment to torture myself for the lengthy required training schedule. Every time I start training I battle fear. I fear that I won't make it to the end. I fear that I will and will want to do it again. And so, when I decided I would run another Marathon, I also decided to take on a BIG race. This was a pinnacle race, this race ran in my city would be a changing point in my life. It was a quite way of saying to myself 'I am a runner', I can and more importantly I want to do this. Because of the fears and insecurities running brings up for me, it is not an easy statement, 'I want to do this', it seems simple, but believe me it is anything but.

So here I am, registered for NYC, starting my loooonnnng road of training and I'm waiting. I was waiting for the lottery to tell me I had a place in the city I love. I was waiting for it to tell me that I am a runner, a real runner. I was waiting for the lottery to tell me I could do it.

The lottery said no.

Now I am left with only my self doubt and the feeling of loss. A deep feeling of loss.  Are there other races? Yes, but they aren't my race. People tell me "oh well, do it next year" as if the battle I fight to train is easily transferred to another time, as if there is a pause button that can be magically pushed. The truth is, I have to decide what to do now. I am in it NOW, like a rock climber half way up a rock face when the rope is cut and I am left, stranded in the middle...desperate and scared. Do I keep going up, or stop and go back down. Both options are terrifying.

To all of those that did win the NYC Marathon lottery, congratulations! I will raise a glass in cheers to each and every one of you on November 2nd. Each and every one of the 50,000 runners...man I'm gonna be snockered!

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Pain & Suffering

There is a term in running called "bonking" and it refers to what happens when you "hit the wall". I have written about hitting the wall before in my previous training (see The Wall ), but I'm thinking it wasn't truly THE WALL. Maybe it was a door, it hurts really bad when you slam your face into a closed door, so maybe that was what I had experienced? Friday, I actually hit THE WALL, you know, a solid surface that you can not get past, ya one of those...I smashed my entire body really hard into the running wall.

When I decided on the course for my 14 mile run, I thought of a beautiful day spent looking out over one of the most stunning areas of Northern New Mexico. I pictured the higher elevation giving me a little reprieve from the heat of the day. I thought about what a wonderful run it would be. What I did NOT think about was that in order to get up to the scenic overlook and high altitude breeze, I would need to scale steep hills. These hills that climbed over several miles, quickly dipped into valleys and then climbed severely higher after that. This was a VERY challenging course and should not be attempting by anyone...ever.

The morning of the incident (also called my long run), I woke to crushing menstrual cramps. My born-to-run hubby jumped out of bed and hit the road leaving instruction of where to park the car and meet him so that I could run my 14 miles as the last of his 21. I could see I didn't have a choice about whether I was running or not as the timer he set for me ticked down the time till I had to leave. An hour later, a mostly in check hemorrhaging and a kickin hang over knocking my brain into my skull, I drove out to meet my husband. 

A quick insert here: DON'T STAY UP LATE DRINKING WITH YOUR ADORABLE HUSBAND THE NIGHT BEFORE A LONG RUN!!!!!

As the run started, determined as ever to make the required miles, I set my mind on the beautiful forest that boarded the road. I looked to the distance eager to see the charming town of Truchas again. But as the miles stretched ahead, straight up the curving road, I realized this was not going to be easy. Mile after mile forcing my distressed body up grueling inclines only to hit a steep decent into a valley that drove you miles up another hill on the other side. This was going to be a painful run.

Perhaps it is because I am stronger on this training then I have been on previous ones, or maybe I've started and stopped so many times now that my resolve is more in place, but I have started to run better, "more efficiently" as my coach husband says, and that means I am able to run down hills faster...which also means no reprieve, your heart rate stays high and the down hills are just as bad as the up hills. Which means 14 miles on a steep course serious sucks ass, the entire way.

I do have to say that at mile 7 as we entered the charming town of Truchas, with it's snow covered peaks in the distance, I couldn't help but sequel with delight at how picturesque it was. And look for a bathroom. You really don't want to deal with tampons in the forest. We decided we absolutely had to make the trip back up there to have lunch some time...but in a car.

The 7 mile return trip would be mostly down, except for 3 very steep hills. I was half way done, I could do this. However there was something evil lurking ahead, something that sat in ambush waiting to strike. It would be THE WALL.

Long stretches of furiously fast footsteps heaved my aching body forward mile after unrelenting mile. The once beautiful forest smelled of hot baked pine, a suffocating stench. The breeze had turned and was now a biting cold whip that lashed at me as my heart pounded heavily in my body creating a rhythm that drummed loudly in my ears. I noticed that there were no birds singing in the trees, it was as if this was an area that had been stripped of all happiness and I longed for a bear to come charging out of the woods attacking me and dragging my worthless body into the underbrush. I routinely stopped, gasping, begging, praying for rescue, but my coach urged me to push through. I stopped again a mile later, longing to lay in the road. My body hurt on a level that I had never experienced before. A whole inside my stomach had formed and felt as if it would eat me alive from the inside out. I knew I had done everything wrong and that I had set myself up for misery by running on the worst day of my period, by staying up too late, by drinking too much, but not fueling properly before the run and I stood on the side of the road suddenly furious with the entire world. I hated myself for being so stupid. I hated the side of the road that sharply bit at the asphalt. I hated that ugly tree over there and I hated my husband. Like the scene in a movie where the woman goes into labor and screams at her husband that "this is all your fault!", I too decided that his ability to run had inspired me to run and I had no business doing so. I was now stuck in the middle of no where and had hit THE WALL.

Like the fog of an abusive relationship, I lost the ability to think clearly and simply followed my husband"s commands. My mind was acutely aware that each foot I moved forward encouraged the invisible beast inside me to eat at my organs. I clung to a tree waiting to be seized by a heart attack. The words "one more mile" echoed in the haze of pain. One more mile had never sounded so far in my life. My knees screamed as I released the tree from my grasp and staggered down the winding slope, finally making it to the car.

You would think that would be the end, but the pain continued and a heavy wave of nausea found it's home in my gut threatening to expel the beast that was gnawing away at my insides.  I was light headed and miserable. For hours my body battled to right itself. Pain coursing deeply through me. I wailed to my sweet husband that I couldn't do this anymore. To my surprise, he beamed with pride as he looked at my wadded up heap of a body, and shared the stats of the run. He informed me that I had run THAT course harder and better than any other. He informed me that this was a huge break through.

By the end of the evening, I had decided not to quit. I will always be wracked by my experience Friday, but with it I know that I can accomplish anything, even breaking through walls.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

The Judge is in.

An interesting side effect of running, is your judgements of other people. When running on the side of a road, drivers that slow down and give you a wide girth are noted and appreciated. Drivers that also smile and wave get even more points. Drivers that speed past you way too close for comfort are now seen as complete jerks. This gets interesting when you live in a small community and know all these people.

My run the other day was filled with many wonderful people driving slowly around me waving, some even rolled down their window to exchange pleasant greetings and encouragement for what I was doing. These are the people that make me fall in love with our little community all over again. Some on the other hand were rudely close to me, as if THEY were annoyed I was running on the side of the road (Note here that I said the SIDE of the road, I too find it obnoxious when runners run down the middle of the road and do not move to the side to allow for traffic). These people that wiz past me are the parents of my son's classmates, some are people that frequent our winery, some are neighbors, but all are now on my not-nice-list. Not that that adds up to a whole lot, but it does allow me to judge their character.

This judging is broader than just the road manners though. This judging stretches into conversations too. You sleep walk through talking to someone until they mention running and then suddenly you want to talk to them for hours! It isn't that you mean to be disconnected, but here is the thing, when you are training it pulls your mind into focus and nothing else matters, it spills over into all other areas of your life. Suddenly everything is referenced to running, can you meet for lunch, let's see...when am I running? What would you like to eat, let's see...what's best for my running? Going shopping, let's see...what running gear do I need?

You judge other runners too. Not the way you are thinking, the running crowd is actually very supportive, especially when you enter the world of Ultras (which I do vicariously through my husband and the races "Fueled by Vivác" sponsors). Ultra runners are by far the most interesting, modest, supportive group on the planet. It kinda makes me want to run one just so I can hang out with them more. No, no we don't "judge" other runners, we judge each other by way of sorting people into categories: is this someone new to the sport needing encouragement? Is this person a badass deserving a great deal of respect for their running history? Is this someone I could run with?

Then there is my favorite. The discovery that someone you have known for a while is or was a runner too. It takes your assessment of this person and bumps it up a notch.  Squeals of excitement erupt as you squeak "I didn't know you were a runner!!", as if this person instantaneously just became far cooler than you had once thought. Your judgement of them has changed, for the better. It is really fun when it happens to you and you recognize that gleam in their eye, their judgement of you just went up. I must admit, I have sold a lot of wine in moments like this.

You don't have to be "good" at running to be a runner. You don't have to be fast or go that far. Being a runner is being a part of a family. Races are events that help you connect with other runners and share in the communal judging. It is a time to stand shoulder to shoulder in your ridiculous running outfits complete with insulating trash bag and judge people.

So, just know, if you know a runner, they are judging you.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Lucky Run?

Training isn't like running at the gym. Training is about tearing you down, making you push through and challenging every fiber in your body. Running at the gym is usually the same few miles over and over so that your body is conditioned and you feel great after a run! Feeling great after a training run is more like winning the lottery, you have to be very lucky.

Training runs, short or long, have a purpose, usually that purpose feels like it is to kill you, but it is there to push you to the limits and believe it or not, break through to new levels of distance or speed or both. All of which can leave you sore and crying and ready to quit. In fact, I'm sure the training that goes into a race is built on the phrase "I quit". The amazing thing is that you don't. Some how you fight the urge to quit, you fight the nagging in your head that screams "you can't do this!". Somewhere deep inside you, you fight back, you want to prove that voice wrong.

Some races are meant to be celebrated as victories simply for crossing the finish line, even if you are dead last. Some trainings have been so full of emotional or physical hurdles that they require you to beam with pride simply because you made it to the starting line at all. Some races are to prove that you can do anything you set your mind to. And sometimes you are lucky enough to set a personal record.

So for all of you out there struggling with your training, asking yourself if it is too much, remember that doing something that challenges yourself is never easy. The reward is the feeling of accomplishment that you have won against that voice that said you couldn't do it. Fighting through the training is a victory that will change your life forever. Find a way and make your own luck.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Must Have

Today's blog is a shopping list. These are items you must have on hand if you are training for a race, any race. Obviously there are many things you need for running itself, but this is more of a post run (or race) I-am-dying-help-me kit.

*Wine. Obviously a must have in order to handle aches, pains & the depression running can cause.

*Salon Pas. These band aid like strips are magic! To be applied to sore neck muscles, cramping legs or aching knees. They kick in immediately while you sip your wine.

*Baby Wipes. The amount of salt and grime that settles on your face after a long run is disgusting, but you are often too beat to actually hit the shower in the proper amount of time you should, so baby wipes next to the sofa are necessary for making you feel better while you whine (and wine) about the run to your loved ones.

*Frozen Grapes. There is nothing as refreshing as frozen grapes after a long run...well except for a giant glass of cold white wine, but unfortunately that isn't appropriate at all times of day... I don't know why not...but this is what people tell me.

*Ace Bandage. You should probably have 2 of these because something will hurt and you will need it. I live with one wrapped around either a hamstring or a knee, most of the time. Mine are covered in wine stains.

*Good Toe Nail Clippers. It is essential that you keep your nails short! The probability of loosing a toe nail if you take up running is high, but keeping nails short will help your chances. On the up side, when you DO loose one (or more), they turn wonderful shades of purple that make for fun games like 'match your wine to my toes' for the entire family!

*Band Aids. Blisters are a way of life for running, but if you are a man, you will need them for your nipples. Yep, you will finally understand in a small small way what we ladies go through when we breast feed...bleeding, chaffed nipples. Men tend to cry like babies over this so extra wine will be necessary for them.

*Compression Gear. Compression tights, shorts, shirts, arm sleeves & socks are available and you will need to find what works for you, but at the very least you NEED after run compression socks. Heads up, you need them to be tight to work properly so putting them on and taking them off is a serious work out. Be careful not to knock over your wine glass while struggling with these babies.

*Wine. Did I mention this already?

*Gel Ice Packs. There is a debate about the use of ice applied to swollen areas, but ice applied to your feet after a run is a horrible, but important thing to do. Don't worry, the wine will help distract you from the pain of the ice.

*Chocolate. Seriously, do I need to tell you why?

*Flavor Free Chap Stick. Helps keep the purple marks from forming on the inner part of your lips as you drink copious amounts of wine. Must be flavor/ scent free so as not to impact your wine's flavors and aromas.

*Oregano Oil. THE hot new thing that everyone is talking about. This oil can be taken if you feel like this long run may have left you open to the onset of a cold, help you get over a cold, be applied to cuts and pretty much anything else. Essentially you should have it on hand for anything and everything...bathe in it. It may be as amazing as wine. Well, almost.

If you can't get all these things, obviously wine should be the only thing on the short list.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Why I Love Running

I attempted to write today's blog several times. I tried several topics, none of them right, it simply wasn't flowing. Then I realized 2 very important things 1) I didn't have my glass of wine, and 2) That's it! That is why I like running!

Yes, my moment of clarity came to me while I was tweaking about the blog. Anyone that knows me, knows that I am a high anxiety, OCD kind of a gal. I tweak about everything, my job, my friend's up-coming wedding, my child, the placement of the remote controls and of course running. But when I am out running, I don't fixate, or obsess, thoughts come and go and my mind relaxes. The problems I spent the morning freaking out over find easy solutions while I am running. I think my blood pressure is probably lower when I am running than when I'm at home stressing myself out tweaking about stuff.

It was something that I knew about running, I appreciated about running, but today in particular I understood about running. This day, full of obsessing about my child's various issues, this day that was beating me down with an insurmountable work list, this day with the house a wreck...this day when I really really REALLY didn't want to go for a run... yes THIS is the day that it clicked.

So why do I sign up for race after race, why not simply go out for a run? Because I don't run unless there is a race on the books. I simply don't have the willpower I think I will, but I find excuses why I can't that day and that day turns into that week and before I know it I have barely run in months. But the pain! Why keep running even when it causes pain? Because it is the only thing that instantly stops the mess that is my thinking. It is the best therapy ever.

*This post was brought to you by Vivác Chardonnay, the wine that loves you no matter what.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.vivacwinery.com

Cursed

The highs and lows of running are drastic. I recently wrote about finding a new level of enjoyment with running only to hit my long run Friday and find a whole new low.

A week of pushing myself physically with training included a day of skiing and increased weight on my strength training which mixed together into a special potion of hell for my 12 mile run. Skiing seems to strain my calves in a way I can not explain, but imagine a constant charlie horse in each leg, now imagine running on those legs.

I would like to also interject here to talk about how much I rely on an ipod to keep me motivated. So of course as this was a run from hell, I had the chilling realization that my ipod was full of old NPR stories as I started the run. Most of you know my long time history of kill-me-now NPR and know that while I am getting better at listening to it, but re-listening to the same stories sounds like an instant stroke. 

As I hit the road, determined to run the pain out of my calves and enjoy the sounds of nature, I realized this would be a challenge. As the pain increased in my legs and I was free to simply listen to my thoughts, I looked at the beautiful river and imagined jumping in it, jamming my foot in the rocks and allowing the cold rippling waves to wash over my head as I drown. It was such a peaceful place. As I continued to the 6 mile turn around point and the pain radiated up into my back, I imagined that one of the cars passing by would have a distracted driver and the car would smash into me causing my body to fly weightless through the air landing with my head smashing into a rock creating absolute silence. At mile 8 the pain in my calves was almost unbearable and was doubled by intense hamstring tension. I looked to the sky for a bird to swoop down and attack me like a scene from "The Birds" but no such luck. Instead a storm blew in and gusts of wind spiked so hard that it was as if I was running in place, accented by mean hard drops of rain. I was in hell.

Obviously I had pissed off the Running Gods and was in the throws of a super curse.

Most people would see that this was impossible and simply stop. But not me, no no, I needed to finish what I set out to accomplish today. So with a full furious scream of "F*@k!!!!" into the wind, I pushed my feet forward and completed the 12 miles.

So did I feel proud of myself? Did I cheer? No. I told my husband that I officially quit. I couldn't even bring myself to blog that day, afraid I would simply say "no one start running, it sucks and is stupid". But as is the strangeness of running and the secret that keeps you coming back, a rare gift landed in my lap. We had left out a week in the training and I suddenly could afford to take a lighter week! It was as if the Running Gods had seen my struggle and deemed that they had brutalized me enough. I swear a gold light beamed down through the sky at that very moment onto my running log.

2 glasses of wine later, I was registering for the ABQ half marathon and talking to my husband about strategies to run it fast.

I am pretty sure that I should be committed to an institution.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Harder than it Needs to be

My training is in an accelerated mode so that I can work on speed. I am working toward 1st running a half marathon this spring, then another in the summer, followed by the New York City Marathon in the fall (if I get in). My goal is to run the NYC race with a far better time than my 1st Marathon. Why does this matter? Because I am a perfectionist and like to make myself miserable.

As training ramps up, I have found I am actually hanging in there this round, full of optimism and even a little enjoyment, which also translates to less cross training activities. I'm liking running and looking forward to my runs. In the past I have relied on splicing in bike rides or skiing to keep me from getting too bored with running.

So, oddly enough, I found myself going skiing today. I am newly back to the sport after many years off. My husband is an incredible skier (shocker right? The guy is good at everything he does), and my son at age 7 has suddenly become a little shredder...so I decided I better get my butt in gear or I'll be left in the dust.  As usual, my hubby is the coach. He not only encourages, but guides us down the hill. Today my hubby didn't go with us. Today it was me, my 7 year old and the mountain.

Just so I don't sound completely crazy, I do have to let you know that my son has been in ski school and his instructors did give him the official green light to get on the 'Big Lift'. So this in mind, and my husband's encouraging voice ringing in my ears "you'll be fine, you guys are doing great!", I hoisted my baby boy onto the 'Big Lift' and away we flew up the mountain.

It has been unseasonably warm here in New Mexico which is not good for the snow conditions. After a freak storm blew in over the weekend, it seemed like a golden opportunity to take advantage of the fresh powder. Well, when they said they had gotten snow at the ski resort, they lied.

As our skis hit the slush and we slid off the lift, we naturally slowed to a stop at the top of the run. Think of a melting snow cone with patches of brown earth faintly seen underneath mixed with scatterings of ice marbles, this is what we would ski all the way down. My sweet little boy's face turned up to me and he said "I can't do this". Oh shit. Now what? Not only am I not strong enough to carry my son, I am like an orangutan on skis when I ski so I can't help with advice in any way. I convinced him that we COULD do this and that I would help. Half an hour later and another fearful smash landing into me, I was cursing my husband in my head, we were NOT ready to be without coach. I pushed my edges in hard and kept us from launching off the cliff into the trees. We had managed to flail about 20 yards down the mountain. It was clear that we would be here all day and that climbing Mount Everest may be easier.

I took a deep breath and smiled at the adorable little person at my side. He was trying so hard, but he was letting fear take over. A familiar feeling to me with my running. A feeling I have overcome. I informed him of this and that we were going to get down this mountain by focusing on small sections and not thinking about the big picture...and we would then go get hot cocoa and cookies. Nothing encourages children like promised celebrations of sugar. An hour and a half later, we unclicked from our skis at the base. I thought about throwing them in the trash.

All I could think of this whole time was, 'why didn't I just go for a run?'.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Change is Good

Something has changed.

I'm not sure when or how, but like the silent knowing decision of when a relationship is over, it settled inside me. Things are different and I don't know how it happened.

This week I came down with a cold and had to skip 2 runs, this is serious business when training for a race. I did manage to get better in time for my long run and headed out to a favorite spot to run along side a rippling river. The early Spring air was crisp and the light had a golden glow. I ran alone down the empty road and marveled at the beauty around me. I marveled at how good I felt. I marveled at the lack of resistance in my mind and body to the act of running.

Something has changed.

This new cycle of training has been full of strength, confidence and motivation. All my other trainings over the last 4 years have been full of pain, struggle and self doubt. What happened? How did this shift?

I don't know what is different this time or how it happened, but I feel it. I feel it with a calm quite hum deep inside.

Do I actually LIKE running? My relationship with running up till now has been fraught with fighting and anger...and fear. I'm not saying I won't still have days that I hate my run or second guess myself, but the relationship I have had with running is over and it feels sooooo good.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com