But...

In the last blog I talked about letting go of stress and enjoying what is around me, be that on a run or in my life. I have kept to that and firmly planted about 10 lbs on my ass. This whole "relaxed" way of life somehow entered my brain as eat-whatever-you-want-all-day-long. Needless to say that approach in combination with not running AT ALL, has been no bueno. So with a clear approval from all my doctors regarding my concussion, I started out this week sound in the decision to start running again.

The weekend was jammed with early birthday celebrating for my husband. I had it in mind to run on Sunday, but we had slept in (have to enjoy those few days that actually happens) and then hurry to get to brunch! At brunch we had bloody marys...and it isn't safe to run after drinking.

Monday my husband stole my iPod. I can't run without my iPod. OK I could run without it...but when starting back at running that sounded like just too much to tackle. So I went for a 2 mile walk with my son. It was so delightful! My son is 8 and he is at that fine line of being a child growing into a boy. He noticed beautiful glimmering rocks that reminded him of jewels from the dragon's treasure found in The Hobbit (the book he is currently reading) while also talking about the girl he has a crush on at school and what kind of special valentine to give her. The walk may not have been my imagined catapult into training I'd imagined, but it was perfect for keeping my head in the easy approach I want to incorporate.

Tuesday my dad had hernia surgery and I simply couldn't be a bad daughter and miss being at the hospital just to go for a run. And NO there was not any other time to squeeze it in, how rude of you to ask me that!

Today is Wednesday...and it is snowing like crazy! And my treadmill is broken. OK that is a flat out lie. My treadmill in not broken. But similar to the 'no iPod' issue, climbing on a treadmill right now sounds like a task too great for me to tackle.

There is always tomorrow. Of course tomorrow is Thursday... and my OCD likes to start things on a Sunday or a Wednesday so that is out.

Friday I am going skiing so that makes up for missing the entire week! But on Sunday I will get back at it... on Sunday. Yes Sunday it is!

In my defense, I have dressed in running clothes 3 days this week which they say is half the battle. Also, my husband and I signed up for the New York City Marathon lottery AGAIN so that means my big butt and I have to stop enjoying chocolate quite so much and find a middle ground; enjoy life, but not so much that you forget that pushing yourself a little is what makes you really feel alive.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!

Making Time for Time

Forgive yet another long absence.

I last left you with a running breakthrough and a new mental clarity. It felt good! I ran my long run with my husband on a trail I hate, but made it home well enough. I might as well admit that since my Ultra Runner hubby hasn't been running much lately and I had been, I felt the need to hang tough and show my strength. He of course is a pillar of strength and while he said it was difficult to keep up and finish, you never would have guessed it. He never complains or slows down. He is like a machine put on auto pilot. In truth, it scares me to run with him anymore, I push myself harder than I should and then feel utterly pathetic as I whine and literally moan toward the end of our runs. It has to be not only difficult for him to keep his own personal moral, but sooooo annoying to listen to.

Needless to say, I finished the run...and in order to impress him, tried to suppress my nausea. I am pretty use to the sensation of wanting to vomit after a run, you'd even say I was a pro. The gut twisting knot in the stomach, the beads of sweat that form on the forehead, the clammy skin that you know is a ghostly shade of white...ya, no problem, I got that covered. I can do all my stretches right through that. But THIS...this was different. This nausea started slow, as a sea that senses the storm far before it has hit and the waves are just getting bigger, rising and falling in my throat. Over the evening the nausea increased and the back of my head began to pound.  Finally I had to surrender and swoon "I don't feel good". Damn it, I almost showed him how badass I was!

I think because my hubby hears me say "I don't feel well" so often, he no longer actually attaches that to any real importance...it is simply my state of being. He kindly helped me to bed and mumbled something about the stomach bug going around. I quickly agreed. It couldn't be the run.

Reality set in after a couple days of having recurring concussion symptoms and finally asking all of my medical experts as well as doing a complete Google search (I know, the worst thing to do is be on the computer, but I am compulsive and had to know all the facts) that I had in fact pushed it too soon and given myself a set back. I knew after my fall that the concussion would take time, I took time off! I did as I was told and started back at running slowly. I really thought I had done it right. Now I am forced to take MORE time off.  I am beyond frustrated. My 1st Ultra is slipping away.

This concussion has been a gift in some ways. It has taught me to slow down, get off my phone/ computer/ device and BE. It has given me the clarity to back off work and my compulsive behavior...mostly because I can't remember what the hell I was going to do, the memory issues that go along with this are somewhere between hysterical and horrifying. Maybe just as I had that breakthrough with wrapping my mind around running, this was the slap in the face (or smack to the back of the head as it were) that I needed to wake up and look at how I have been living my life.

My 1st Ultra might not happen this Spring as planned, but I will start back slowly, plug away at an easy pace and enjoy the scenery. Sounds like a great way to live life and to run don't you think?

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Paradigm Shift

I sit with a rich cup of hot coffee in my hand, the kerrygold butter melting into the black pool. It is cold outside. I can feel the cold air pushing against me as I look out our large picture window; my warm little house is cuddled around me. I am at peace and filled with the most incredible gratitude for the incredible things in my life. This is why I run.

When you train and push your body, mind and soul, past their comfort zones, you reach a place that triggers pure enjoyment of the little things around you. It is fact that we crave the highs and lows of experiences no matter what your life looks like. Your mind finds a way of becoming numb to that around you. Your comfort zone swallows it up and in order to feel again, appreciate anything, you have to break free. Running can do that for you. The extreme task of beating your body down pulls your mind into sharp focus for being in the moment. Once your comfort zone shifts, your paradigm shifts too.

For me, my life, which is a pretty idyllic one at that, becomes void. I concentrate on the irritating things like slow traffic or not getting enough done on my to do list, instead of enjoying all that I have. Do you find yourself doing this? Seeing the things that slow you down rather than slowing down to see the things that are incredible around you?

Yesterday was my long run, 10 miles, and commenced a heavy mileage week and significant bump in training. This is how it works, you bump up the entire week's milage and steadily wear yourself down...while actually building endurance, it sounds crazy (and lets face it, it totally is), but it works. Today I had a recovery run. Today, I ran on legs of lead and like a sudden spark of fire, it clicked. I broke the bubble of my comfort zone.

And now, I sit in my perfect little house, with my perfect cup of coffee, staring out at the most beautiful frost crystallized perfect tree and I breath in the moment.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

The Only Fear, is Fear Itself

I am trying like Hell to make this running thing work. At the same time I question myself every single second. The two seem to be battling and it is driving me insane! I feel this deep urge to run, to train, to push myself to new limits, yet my mind finds so many reasons to say NO!

As if the Universe was trying to tell me something, I heard yet another great podcast from our friends at The Art of Charm. This podcast started as an interview with immigrant entrepreneurs and shifted to a stunning focus on our own fears that are masking our intuition. They described a magic on the other side of that wall of FEAR we have created. They explained that fear is really your mind protecting you from what it perceives as a threat to your safety but in actuality is your intuition trying to give you the life you really want...yet you are sabotaging it. I was floored.

What a concept right? YOU are putting up a wall of fear to keep yourself from doing what could make your life amazing! They suggested that you name 5 big things that you are scared to do and go do them. They urged that not only would you have the life you always wanted but that you would be an entirely new person. I have to admit, I was very intrigued. I went home and made my list.

As I sat looking at my list, I realized these things are not that wild or outrageous, but they are intimate fears...or I should say I have a lot of fear around the idea of doing these things. I'm not ready to share ALL 5 of my fears with the world, but guess what one of them was? Yep, long distance running.

As a child, I was a ballerina. I loved ballet with my entire heart and soul and I was good at it too. At a breathtakingly young age I was dancing on point (those unfamiliar with the term, it refers to the fancy toe shoes that allow a dancer to dance on her tippy toes...it is totally badass) and planning my career. Life threw me a curve ball and long story short, I quit dancing. It was complicated why, it involved a move to a new state and a huge ego (my own). Anyway, it continues to be my one real regret. When I started running, there was something that clicked in the back of my head that said 'this is similar to the dedication it takes to be a dancer, you can do this' and yet, it isn't out of love for the sport that I run. It is almost like it is so I can prove something to myself, I'm not a quitter. I can see myself through the pain and accomplish these insane goals...as if seeing this through will give me redemption for a lost dream of long ago.

I know that this doesn't make sense. I know logically I can not erase choices I have made in my past. I know that there is no race that will fill the void I allow to reside in my chest; that constant nagging that tells me I screwed up. But I think I am seeing it for the 1st time and THAT is progress. Maybe I was suppose to be a ballerina, maybe I wasn't. Maybe that wasn't my one thing. Maybe, if I stop sabotaging myself I could see that I have the ability to be an athlete in many forms.

I almost didn't run today, I sat and let fear creep into the base of my skull and the excuses bubble up. I tend to let my mind wander from the training run that is in-front of me to the end goal and I scare the crap out of myself by saying "whoa, how can you run 28+ miles when you can't even get out the door for 5!" then, I looked at my list of 5 fears and realized that I don't want to live in fear any longer. I want to own my life, I want to truly live my life. I want to forgive myself.

I went for my run.

It was beautiful.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Happiness

OK peeps, I have a time crunch going on today. Urgent Holiday celebration activities to be had with the kiddo. So instead of my normal droning on about pain and anguish, I am actually giving you all homework!

Today on my long run, which is actually a "repair" week so a lite 5 miler, I listened to another Art of Charm podcast and was blown away by it. It was about Happiness and how it influences success. It is an interview with Shawn Achor who has a book and shows and a TED Talk and backs his theories with scientific data so no woowoo stuff here which is maybe why I was able to hear it more clearly than some of the other approaches people have taken when talking about Happiness.  This one is pure gold. This is your homework...you MUST listen to it! Here is the link, scroll down the page to find the episode I'm talking about:

http://theartofcharmpodcast.com/2014/11/24/shawn-achor-happiness-advantage-episode-344/

Maybe it was the strange fog that we woke up to that made the run today mysteriously beautiful, or the smell of damp earth that buoyed my senses, it could be that it is a "rest week", but it was probably this incredible podcast that made me excited to be running. OR...maybe someone slipped crack in my coffee this morning.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Breaking Bad

My last post claimed I would stop "bashing" running. So I stopped posting.

I tried to write happy posts, focus on the things I like or enjoy about running. Every blog sucked.

Then I realized that people read blogs because they are real. They are absolutely honest. If you wanted a glossy editorial you'd be reading Runner's World...which you should also read because it is a great magazine. But what I do is share my experience of running...the good, the bad, and the ugly. It seems I have a whole lot more ugly than most people, but that doesn't mean it is bashing. In fact, maybe running is the one bashing me!

Anyway, I have decided to take a look at my relationship with running (again!), my deep resistance to it. What is my damn problem? Maybe it is lack of habit, maybe it is that I think I should run at the pace I ran when I was in shape and now I'm a lazy beast running a full 2 minutes/ mile slower...and it still hurts! Maybe I have allowed myself to adopt the idea that running equals pain, there for it is pain. Maybe I like to hate running?

Obviously I haven't figured much out or I would have started the blog off with an all caps declaration and not this blathering complaining. I did started reevaluating though and it started with my long run last week. 8 super slow miles on my regular route. All and all it wasn't that bad. Then I got home and the mistake of taking the wrong supplements prior to my run caught up with me and intense nausea hit. For the 1/2 hour before I realized my error, I laid on the floor and swore that running would be the death of me. My hubby took that opportunity to share that pain can be all in our head. Thanks honey.

Of course, as always, he did have a point. Given that was bad timing, but so much of what we tell ourselves manifests into actual physical pain. Our thoughts effect our will power and it is fact that training the mind can drastically change your life by making even small things habit. Definitely food for thought. If I stop saying "this is going to hurt" before each run...will it in fact still hurt?

As if on cue, the podcast my hubby/ coach listens to called The Art of Charm welcomed my Monday run. An episode about a device that breaks bad habits called "pavlok"chimed in my ears as I somewhat depressingly jogged 3 miles. The concept is that this thing actually shocks you should you not show up to the gym on time or go on your run (or it shocks you if you smoke a cigarette when you are trying to quit). The marketing guy for the device was a true salesmen and quickly had me mentally bookmarking the site so I could get mine. Nothing like pairing a painful activity with a painful reminder...sounds right up my alley. My lack of excitement in combination with the idea of this shut-up-and-do-it device challenged me yet again. Why AM I running? What the hell am I doing out here on the side of the road other than perfecting my farmer's blow?! (for those of you unfamiliar with this lady like activity, it is when you blow snot out one side of your nose while running...with no tissue)

I know you are all waiting for me to be funny or close with an insightful message, but I have nothing for you. I haven't figured out the key to 'happy running' or even why I keep doing this to myself. But I did meditate for 5 minutes prior to running today and low and behold, I was able to detach from the pain. It isn't that I was unaware of the stiff muscles or that it suddenly felt good, but I didn't attach meaning to those sensations. Maybe I can actually break the habit of hating running. Maybe.

Maybe I just need a glass of wine.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Bashing: America's Favorite Pastime

Last Sunday I fell and bashed my head onto our concrete floor. The mild concussion from the incident meant no running...all week. Talk about a blow (no pun intended) to my training. Funny how if I feel like being lazy and not running it is no big deal, but take running FROM me and I'm pissed! Anyway, the severe headaches and inability to concentrate left me in bed pondering many things. Everything was under inspection...relationships, what I want my life to look like, work...you name it. Part of the pondering was simply looking at things differently, standing back to see events or interactions without attachment or judgement, and it was interesting what stood out to me.

People love to bash things, people, places, anything. People love to complain and get others to see their point, yell as loud as they can that they are right and they have been wronged. I realize how ironic it is that I type these words on a blog known for complaining...but hang in there with me. It seems like the prevalent tone these days is seeing the negative and making sure everyone hears about it. I get it, I'm a complainer too, but for once it stood out clearer than just the daily blah blah blah. The ingrained sense of 'I'm right' and the destruction that it can cause.

This past week was intense. Not only did I bash my head, but my son is suffering from migraines and nausea brought on by anxiety. He is only 8 and the news is tough for us to take, we are those kind of parents that want to protect our child from everything...yep he is an only child...yep we know we can't actually protect him from everything. But what was surprising is the amount of feedback from people that want to bash the school or teachers or us! We weren't sharing this information with people in order to hear their rude opinions. Why do you need to bash our parenting to make your point?

Then we had an incident with an employee and a customer. Our employee was attached to 'being right'. The dreaded public outrage cried out over Facebook and it went from a person voicing their understandable frustration to personal attacks. I have a pretty thick skin when it comes to stuff like this and the winery, this is my domain, my job at the winery and I sooth those that are upset when needed, but for my winemaker husband and my winemaker brother-in-law it was very personal. I wondered, would these people say these things to the hard working winemakers that put their heart and soul into these wines if they were face to face? Where does it cross the line from opinion to cruelty? When did people start thinking they didn't need to be held accountable for their actions just because it is out on social media? We are holding our employee accountable for her actions so shouldn't those now being out of line do the same?

As we approach Thanksgiving and the Holidays, you would think people would be focused on kindness, but instead social media is inundated with bashing. Even a "Gluten Free Recipes for Thanksgiving" post by a popular magazine was strewn with hateful comments about people that are gluten free! Really people, I should "go suck a big fat one" because I am among those that are not celiac yet feel ill when I eat wheat? Really, the decline of our society is due to my "annoying" eating habits? Why don't you just ignore it and go on your merry wheat eating way? Why the bashing?

So this Holiday season, don't forget that our voices carry weight. There are real people receiving your messages and lives being impacted. People with hopes and dreams, fears and worries; people trying to make it day to day and care for their families. Maybe we can each consider being a little more forgiving, a little more understanding and bash a little less?

I even promise to step it up and use my own words more constructively. When I complain about running...which I hope to be back up and doing starting tomorrow, I will focus on the benefits of what I'm doing and stop bashing the activity itself. After all, running is just a thing that is available for me to do, it isn't running's fault that I don't like it. Even if I feel I am right for hating it.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com