Paradigm Shift

I sit with a rich cup of hot coffee in my hand, the kerrygold butter melting into the black pool. It is cold outside. I can feel the cold air pushing against me as I look out our large picture window; my warm little house is cuddled around me. I am at peace and filled with the most incredible gratitude for the incredible things in my life. This is why I run.

When you train and push your body, mind and soul, past their comfort zones, you reach a place that triggers pure enjoyment of the little things around you. It is fact that we crave the highs and lows of experiences no matter what your life looks like. Your mind finds a way of becoming numb to that around you. Your comfort zone swallows it up and in order to feel again, appreciate anything, you have to break free. Running can do that for you. The extreme task of beating your body down pulls your mind into sharp focus for being in the moment. Once your comfort zone shifts, your paradigm shifts too.

For me, my life, which is a pretty idyllic one at that, becomes void. I concentrate on the irritating things like slow traffic or not getting enough done on my to do list, instead of enjoying all that I have. Do you find yourself doing this? Seeing the things that slow you down rather than slowing down to see the things that are incredible around you?

Yesterday was my long run, 10 miles, and commenced a heavy mileage week and significant bump in training. This is how it works, you bump up the entire week's milage and steadily wear yourself down...while actually building endurance, it sounds crazy (and lets face it, it totally is), but it works. Today I had a recovery run. Today, I ran on legs of lead and like a sudden spark of fire, it clicked. I broke the bubble of my comfort zone.

And now, I sit in my perfect little house, with my perfect cup of coffee, staring out at the most beautiful frost crystallized perfect tree and I breath in the moment.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

The Only Fear, is Fear Itself

I am trying like Hell to make this running thing work. At the same time I question myself every single second. The two seem to be battling and it is driving me insane! I feel this deep urge to run, to train, to push myself to new limits, yet my mind finds so many reasons to say NO!

As if the Universe was trying to tell me something, I heard yet another great podcast from our friends at The Art of Charm. This podcast started as an interview with immigrant entrepreneurs and shifted to a stunning focus on our own fears that are masking our intuition. They described a magic on the other side of that wall of FEAR we have created. They explained that fear is really your mind protecting you from what it perceives as a threat to your safety but in actuality is your intuition trying to give you the life you really want...yet you are sabotaging it. I was floored.

What a concept right? YOU are putting up a wall of fear to keep yourself from doing what could make your life amazing! They suggested that you name 5 big things that you are scared to do and go do them. They urged that not only would you have the life you always wanted but that you would be an entirely new person. I have to admit, I was very intrigued. I went home and made my list.

As I sat looking at my list, I realized these things are not that wild or outrageous, but they are intimate fears...or I should say I have a lot of fear around the idea of doing these things. I'm not ready to share ALL 5 of my fears with the world, but guess what one of them was? Yep, long distance running.

As a child, I was a ballerina. I loved ballet with my entire heart and soul and I was good at it too. At a breathtakingly young age I was dancing on point (those unfamiliar with the term, it refers to the fancy toe shoes that allow a dancer to dance on her tippy toes...it is totally badass) and planning my career. Life threw me a curve ball and long story short, I quit dancing. It was complicated why, it involved a move to a new state and a huge ego (my own). Anyway, it continues to be my one real regret. When I started running, there was something that clicked in the back of my head that said 'this is similar to the dedication it takes to be a dancer, you can do this' and yet, it isn't out of love for the sport that I run. It is almost like it is so I can prove something to myself, I'm not a quitter. I can see myself through the pain and accomplish these insane goals...as if seeing this through will give me redemption for a lost dream of long ago.

I know that this doesn't make sense. I know logically I can not erase choices I have made in my past. I know that there is no race that will fill the void I allow to reside in my chest; that constant nagging that tells me I screwed up. But I think I am seeing it for the 1st time and THAT is progress. Maybe I was suppose to be a ballerina, maybe I wasn't. Maybe that wasn't my one thing. Maybe, if I stop sabotaging myself I could see that I have the ability to be an athlete in many forms.

I almost didn't run today, I sat and let fear creep into the base of my skull and the excuses bubble up. I tend to let my mind wander from the training run that is in-front of me to the end goal and I scare the crap out of myself by saying "whoa, how can you run 28+ miles when you can't even get out the door for 5!" then, I looked at my list of 5 fears and realized that I don't want to live in fear any longer. I want to own my life, I want to truly live my life. I want to forgive myself.

I went for my run.

It was beautiful.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Happiness

OK peeps, I have a time crunch going on today. Urgent Holiday celebration activities to be had with the kiddo. So instead of my normal droning on about pain and anguish, I am actually giving you all homework!

Today on my long run, which is actually a "repair" week so a lite 5 miler, I listened to another Art of Charm podcast and was blown away by it. It was about Happiness and how it influences success. It is an interview with Shawn Achor who has a book and shows and a TED Talk and backs his theories with scientific data so no woowoo stuff here which is maybe why I was able to hear it more clearly than some of the other approaches people have taken when talking about Happiness.  This one is pure gold. This is your homework...you MUST listen to it! Here is the link, scroll down the page to find the episode I'm talking about:

http://theartofcharmpodcast.com/2014/11/24/shawn-achor-happiness-advantage-episode-344/

Maybe it was the strange fog that we woke up to that made the run today mysteriously beautiful, or the smell of damp earth that buoyed my senses, it could be that it is a "rest week", but it was probably this incredible podcast that made me excited to be running. OR...maybe someone slipped crack in my coffee this morning.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Breaking Bad

My last post claimed I would stop "bashing" running. So I stopped posting.

I tried to write happy posts, focus on the things I like or enjoy about running. Every blog sucked.

Then I realized that people read blogs because they are real. They are absolutely honest. If you wanted a glossy editorial you'd be reading Runner's World...which you should also read because it is a great magazine. But what I do is share my experience of running...the good, the bad, and the ugly. It seems I have a whole lot more ugly than most people, but that doesn't mean it is bashing. In fact, maybe running is the one bashing me!

Anyway, I have decided to take a look at my relationship with running (again!), my deep resistance to it. What is my damn problem? Maybe it is lack of habit, maybe it is that I think I should run at the pace I ran when I was in shape and now I'm a lazy beast running a full 2 minutes/ mile slower...and it still hurts! Maybe I have allowed myself to adopt the idea that running equals pain, there for it is pain. Maybe I like to hate running?

Obviously I haven't figured much out or I would have started the blog off with an all caps declaration and not this blathering complaining. I did started reevaluating though and it started with my long run last week. 8 super slow miles on my regular route. All and all it wasn't that bad. Then I got home and the mistake of taking the wrong supplements prior to my run caught up with me and intense nausea hit. For the 1/2 hour before I realized my error, I laid on the floor and swore that running would be the death of me. My hubby took that opportunity to share that pain can be all in our head. Thanks honey.

Of course, as always, he did have a point. Given that was bad timing, but so much of what we tell ourselves manifests into actual physical pain. Our thoughts effect our will power and it is fact that training the mind can drastically change your life by making even small things habit. Definitely food for thought. If I stop saying "this is going to hurt" before each run...will it in fact still hurt?

As if on cue, the podcast my hubby/ coach listens to called The Art of Charm welcomed my Monday run. An episode about a device that breaks bad habits called "pavlok"chimed in my ears as I somewhat depressingly jogged 3 miles. The concept is that this thing actually shocks you should you not show up to the gym on time or go on your run (or it shocks you if you smoke a cigarette when you are trying to quit). The marketing guy for the device was a true salesmen and quickly had me mentally bookmarking the site so I could get mine. Nothing like pairing a painful activity with a painful reminder...sounds right up my alley. My lack of excitement in combination with the idea of this shut-up-and-do-it device challenged me yet again. Why AM I running? What the hell am I doing out here on the side of the road other than perfecting my farmer's blow?! (for those of you unfamiliar with this lady like activity, it is when you blow snot out one side of your nose while running...with no tissue)

I know you are all waiting for me to be funny or close with an insightful message, but I have nothing for you. I haven't figured out the key to 'happy running' or even why I keep doing this to myself. But I did meditate for 5 minutes prior to running today and low and behold, I was able to detach from the pain. It isn't that I was unaware of the stiff muscles or that it suddenly felt good, but I didn't attach meaning to those sensations. Maybe I can actually break the habit of hating running. Maybe.

Maybe I just need a glass of wine.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

Bashing: America's Favorite Pastime

Last Sunday I fell and bashed my head onto our concrete floor. The mild concussion from the incident meant no running...all week. Talk about a blow (no pun intended) to my training. Funny how if I feel like being lazy and not running it is no big deal, but take running FROM me and I'm pissed! Anyway, the severe headaches and inability to concentrate left me in bed pondering many things. Everything was under inspection...relationships, what I want my life to look like, work...you name it. Part of the pondering was simply looking at things differently, standing back to see events or interactions without attachment or judgement, and it was interesting what stood out to me.

People love to bash things, people, places, anything. People love to complain and get others to see their point, yell as loud as they can that they are right and they have been wronged. I realize how ironic it is that I type these words on a blog known for complaining...but hang in there with me. It seems like the prevalent tone these days is seeing the negative and making sure everyone hears about it. I get it, I'm a complainer too, but for once it stood out clearer than just the daily blah blah blah. The ingrained sense of 'I'm right' and the destruction that it can cause.

This past week was intense. Not only did I bash my head, but my son is suffering from migraines and nausea brought on by anxiety. He is only 8 and the news is tough for us to take, we are those kind of parents that want to protect our child from everything...yep he is an only child...yep we know we can't actually protect him from everything. But what was surprising is the amount of feedback from people that want to bash the school or teachers or us! We weren't sharing this information with people in order to hear their rude opinions. Why do you need to bash our parenting to make your point?

Then we had an incident with an employee and a customer. Our employee was attached to 'being right'. The dreaded public outrage cried out over Facebook and it went from a person voicing their understandable frustration to personal attacks. I have a pretty thick skin when it comes to stuff like this and the winery, this is my domain, my job at the winery and I sooth those that are upset when needed, but for my winemaker husband and my winemaker brother-in-law it was very personal. I wondered, would these people say these things to the hard working winemakers that put their heart and soul into these wines if they were face to face? Where does it cross the line from opinion to cruelty? When did people start thinking they didn't need to be held accountable for their actions just because it is out on social media? We are holding our employee accountable for her actions so shouldn't those now being out of line do the same?

As we approach Thanksgiving and the Holidays, you would think people would be focused on kindness, but instead social media is inundated with bashing. Even a "Gluten Free Recipes for Thanksgiving" post by a popular magazine was strewn with hateful comments about people that are gluten free! Really people, I should "go suck a big fat one" because I am among those that are not celiac yet feel ill when I eat wheat? Really, the decline of our society is due to my "annoying" eating habits? Why don't you just ignore it and go on your merry wheat eating way? Why the bashing?

So this Holiday season, don't forget that our voices carry weight. There are real people receiving your messages and lives being impacted. People with hopes and dreams, fears and worries; people trying to make it day to day and care for their families. Maybe we can each consider being a little more forgiving, a little more understanding and bash a little less?

I even promise to step it up and use my own words more constructively. When I complain about running...which I hope to be back up and doing starting tomorrow, I will focus on the benefits of what I'm doing and stop bashing the activity itself. After all, running is just a thing that is available for me to do, it isn't running's fault that I don't like it. Even if I feel I am right for hating it.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

If You Have Nothing Nice to Say...Come Sit Next to Me.

I have to say I continue to be a little surprised by how much feedback I get about this blog. I had no idea people liked to hear me hate running so much, until I took this recent 4 month sit-on-my-butt-and-do-nothing vacation. People have come out of the woodwork asking me to start running again so the blog could get back to what I do best...complaining. So here you go my peeps...

Monday I actually started my new training. I set out on that brisk morning feeling inspired (or maybe it was fear), but as you can imagine, the 4 months of nothing felt very heavy as I heaved my body down the road. I finished the run and did NOT lay on the floor crying... so all in all, it was a successful 1st run.

Tuesday morning I woke to a screaming body. My legs burned and twitched in pain with every move. Even my abs were sore. That day's run was a little scary. It took most of the run to warm up and have a bit more ease to my gate. So, not only was the run painful, I also ran like a jerk because all my coordination went out the window when my body seized up. The podcast I listened to that day was about all the suicides off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco...very fitting.

Wednesday, I couldn't move. My lovingly mean husband/ coach looked amused when I said I couldn't run that day. Evidently taking the day off was not an option. He said I at least needed to walk. I would have kicked him, but my legs wouldn't move.

I did as I was told and geared up for a run. I opted for the treadmill since I feared a run out on the road would leave me stranded somewhere unable to get home after my legs broke off my body and I lay there with bloody stumps, my dismembered pieces strewn about me. I made it 1 mile. Ya, no joke. I have gone from my last training with long runs of 16 miles to a pile of mush after 1 mile. I almost decided to pour myself a glass of wine to deal with the blow to my psyche. But instead I decided to punish myself with some cross training exercises.  As sweat dripped down my face and I shook from the exertion, I imagined how happy my "coach" would be to see me suffering like this.  He is a sick sick man.

Today I rest, tomorrow is my long run. The training schedule will ramp up my miles quickly to get me to the point where I can start on the "serious" runs, but I can't look ahead, I can't think about it, I have to simply take each day and do my best. If I give myself even a moment to look at this training and what I will have to do, I may actually end up on a certain bridge in San Francisco.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com

I'm Baaaack!

You know the shower scene with the iconic musical score that is the film "Psycho"? That was the sound of me putting on my running shoes this morning.

YES, I finally went for a run.

It was horrible.

I decided, over a glass of wine (how I always get sucked into stupid plans), that I would start training and in fact run the race in the spring I have been considering. This means I had to count backwards from the race date an appropriate number of weeks for training. I found out I am WAY out of shape and need to already be running 16 mile long runs. This is not good. But as my coach (AKA my husband) eagerly cheered me on and planned my training, he also encouraged me to buy new running shoes...you can get me to do just about anything if new shoes are involved. I can't help it, it is a disease. So this morning I had no other choice but to go on my 1st training run. Ouch.

Many people, mostly avid runners, say 'oh man I really haven't been running!' but that means they have been running, but not training, so they are in a loop of shorter runs. When I say I haven't been running, I mean it...I HAVE NOT BEEN RUNNING. Nothing, no exercise at all, for 4 months. I know, it is totally gross. You can imagine how painful today's run was in light of this information. I think I have blood pooling in my lungs.

As I ran, I was thinking about the great things people do, not because I was inspired, but because the podcast I was listening to was droning on about it...I'm not that creative when I'm close to a heart attack. I felt like such a looser, people are out there changing the world and I can't even go out for a short run. In fact now I'm also mad that I let myself completely quit and become a tub of lard. My knee might even be hurting. I suck at running. Maybe this is the dumbest idea ever, who do I think I am jumping into training like this?

I finished the run, quite the feat with my loathsome self talk.

Now as I am writing to all of you... I  am eating cold pizza (hey I had to reward myself for running didn't I?) and staring at the most daunting training schedule I have approached yet. I am officially training for Cedro Peak's 45K Ultra Marathon.

I hope there is enough wine on the planet to get me through this.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com