My partner

Hot tears weld up in my eyes. My body felt alive with tingles that swept from head to toe. Even the hair on my head seemed to arch out of my scalp with intensity. I had the surging desire to run.

I didn't jump up from my seat and go running down the street in my flip flops, but instead I stayed seated at a table in a crowded cafe and let tears quietly cut through my make-up. I sat at the table and let the sensation and desire to run wash over me, through me, wave after wave reminding me why I run, calling me to run.

It was at that moment I put down the "TrailRunner" magazine article about Scott Jurek and decided to share my thoughts with all of you.

I feel like a novice, a newbie, a baby. I want so badly to be a runner...I want to...WANT to run. I find frustration in the fact that I have only run 1 half marathon, 1 5K and only 1 full Marathon. I realize many of you will be rolling your eyes at the "only", but it is a strange world (the world of running), the more you do, the more you see others do; be it faster, farther or more. I feel like I simply fight myself to even get my shoes on much less join the toned, dedicated, disciplined runners I admire.

Since running the Marathon in March, I have aimed for several races of varying length and completed...drum roll please...ZERO! Ya, it pretty much takes that accomplishment and pride from completing your first Marathon into embarrassment and self doubt pretty quickly.

What was I thinking? I'm not a runner yet! Runners run! I slumped. The truth is after
several attempts at jumping back into training, I have slowly regressed, cutting mileage, trying to trick myself into finding enthusiasim until I finally cut back so much that I haven't even run once in 2 weeks. OK, maybe it has been closer to 3 weeks. I simply haven't found the drive! I tried to dig deep, push through, but found a bored, sad core with zero inspiration.

Today as I read Scott Jurek's story of becoming an UltraRunner (50 miles or more) I was touched by the struggle between pushing ones self past pain and discomfort and finding the journey, the partnership with your body. I realize part of my sadness with the loss of running is the incredible bond and partnership I have had with my husband as he trained me through every one of my races. The encouragement he gave me when I cried on the side of the road, the cheers he gave as I pushed on and completed new distances. I don't think I have it in me to run without him. I miss him.

For all of you now thinking he died, he did not. He is on his own training mission for a 50 miler and that leaves me on my own to do my training alone. Due to circumstances of where we live (middle of nowhere) there are no running groups to join and due to where we live (middle of nowhere) and being a woman, I don't feel safe running certain places alone. This is just enough of an obstacle to stop me from lacing up, but to top off my excuse list, we also have a 6 year old son on summer vacation, we run our own winery (along with my brother-in-law and his wife) and about a million other things that fall under the heading "sorry for myself".

Excuses ran out today. Scott Jurek's story reminded me that the beauty of running is you don't have to read books or win races to run. Running is a relationship with YOUR body. It is a matter of partnering with yourself to "free ourselves".

With a sudden realization and acceptance, I let the tears fall...and people stare. I let the tingling sensation stir deep inside me and well up. I could feel the joy and inspiration for running reappear. I realized I can't hold my husband to being the reason why I run. I have to be my own partner. I have to stop crying in the cafe!

So, I don't know what will happen when I cry on the side of the road during a hard, long run by myself. I know those will be times when I miss my husband a lot. I hope I will be able to be there for myself with words of encouragement, something I have struggled to do my entire life. I hope I use the emotion to pick myself up, dust myself off and run home and into my husband's arms. I know he will be very proud of me that day.

Until then, I will simply get started again, stop giving myself such a hard time and learn to love running all by myself. Like a big girl. Of course that has to start tomorrow...I have wine to drink today!


-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!

www.VivacWinery.com

Prostitute wine

When we started the winery, we thought we were going to be running a sprint race to the golden lotus of fame and fortune.  13 years later, we realize we are running a Marathon....and the lotus may be a mirage. But, we are still running.

In the beginning, as with everything, you find you make mistakes. Out of the gate too fast, over train, take out a ton of loans, you know, the over enthusiastic approach. Take the case of one of our first wine club newsletters, our wine maker Jesse sat down to type a serious wine review of the newly released Barbera. As a young wine maker with a new winery, the need to be taken seriously was great. This made it even more embarrassing to have spell check on an old computer change "Prosciutto" to "Prostitute"! As you will read in the copy of the letter sent in by a wine club member in his elder years, the wine paired beautifully. It is when someone reminds you that mistakes are made, lessons are learned and regardless, we move forward, that you realize, this race will have bumps in the road and may not be the course you set out on. This bump has forever sealed the fate of the Barbera made at Vivác as "The Prostitute Wine".

So don't forget to not take your race so seriously! What matters is that you keep going, riding out the bumps in the road, no matter how big they are.

Now where is that little Prostitute? I need a glass of wine.


-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!

www.VivacWinery.com

Getting your Freak on

It is an interesting journey, running. I use to say I would only run if something were chasing me. Now I am trying to run on vacation. If I can find a race somewhere interesting and call it a vacation, even better! So what happened? My crazy husband and his crazy brother happened.

When you watch someone run well, it is inspiring. Even if you think they are a little crazy for doing it. Maybe that is why it is so inspiring.

This past weekend, Jess and Chris ran yet another Marathon, this time in Taos. Jess had a PR of 3:48 (5th place over all) and shined with pride at the finish line. Chris, who was unable to do the training necessary to run a Marathon the way he would have wanted, finished 13 minutes behind his brother. The look of frustration and irritation was apparent. I started to feel bad for him. I started to empathize with the idea of not doing well despite all your hard work. Then I had a thought that stunned me into reality. Chris ran a few long runs, skipped most of the training and then ran a 4:01 Marathon at 7,000ft! Wait wait wait, I don't feel sorry for you! That is absolutely not fair! He came in 7th over all at the race. This is NOT a sad race day! 

It is at that point that I realized these crazy people I am surrounded by are more than just crazy. They are Freaks of nature. Jesse told me stories of working the packet pick up for the race and the number of people that were simply on vacation and saw that there was going to be a marathon the next day; they thought "hey that sounds like fun!". Who shows up to a mountain town and unexpectedly runs a FULL MARATHON?! Crazy people? No, Freaks!

Turns out there was a guy that ran a 100 miler 3 weeks previous and ran 2 full Marathons since then...he signed up for the "fun little Taos Marathon" because he had never run here before. WHAT?!
Women, men, it didn't matter, they flooded in and signed up to run...while on vacation. This is a whole new level of crazy runners.

For those of you not up on the running or training of a full Marathon, let me fill you in. 16 weeks is considered fast training for a Marathon and requires you to be a runner before hand, that means you run regularly, this is not a couch to Marathon program. Then as you increase millage, and want to kill yourself, you push your body to the brink, then you back off giving it much needed rest before the big race. It is important to mention at this point that people will refer to a Marathon as "little" in reference to the draw, the crowds or organization, NOT the length. A Full Marathon is ALWAYS 26.2 miles, always, even if it is a "little" race. So when people decide to run a Marathon on vacation, these are people that run Marathons a lot, people that are in such good shape that they do not need a taper, they can simply run 26.2 miles any time they want. They are, say it with me...FREAKS!

I stood at the finish line chatting with a new friend, a runner. He spoke of the blights of running a Marathon, the pain and destruction of your body. He spoke of how he loves the 5K or 10K. He sounded like the voice of sanity amongst all the crazies. My mom bought it hook, line and sinker. She looked at me, always the caring mother and I could see she was thinking "you see, maybe that is too much for your body" (not everyone is in the Marathons-are-fun crazy sector and family members are usually the ones most concerned for your health). I whispered to her that she was right, this guy wasn't crazy at all. He modestly told stories of running, but left out that he has run Duke City Marathon 14 times, placing 3rd last year and has run countless other Marathons around the country. No, no he isn't crazy. He is a Freak! He is actually the guy that trains Freaks!

So now as I started to see that I had joined the ranks of the crazy, there was yet more to aspire to. I am not yet a Freak. I don't know if I ever will be. I looked at my husband, he had just PR'd at 7,000ft and this was simply a training run on his way to a 50 miler this fall, definitely a Freak. I looked at my son, wearing my red "Fueled by Vivác" shirt, eyes beaming with excitement and pride at his dad, he has already run a 5K at age 5 and can't wait for his next opportunity to run another race and I see that we have probably spawned a little Freak.

So, as I pour another glass of wine, I am left to ponder, when will I discover my inner Freak?

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!

www.VivacWinery.com

Running Rescue

It is hotter than hell, sweat seems to be purging from your skin as if your entire body were a wet sponge being wrung out, your head pulses and you know you probably are going to die. This is what it feels like to run in the heat of summer. Yet I see all of you crazy people doing it...while I drink chilled wine...in an air conditioned restaurant.

I have discovered that I am actually a winter runner...and a heavy drinker. So strange since I am always cold, but I really hate the heat...and I really like wine. The heat makes me feel like I am suffocating. The heat makes me lethargic. The heat makes me mad. So I don't run in the heat. Waking up early also seems to make me mad, but Jess would say waking up at all makes me mad. What can I say, I am not a morning person (and no it isn't because of the wine)! So I can't beat the heat with an early morning run and the treadmill is boring if you do it everyday. It is a real dilemma. But I have to keep running don't I?

Inevitably, when you are training hard or have finished a big race or simply run everyday for fun, you can and will burn out. Guess what I have? No not alcoholism silly! Burn out!

After the intense effort to train for my 1st marathon, I found that running just to run was refreshing, however, slowly the drive to run has been replaced with the drive to do anything BUT run. It feels like I am trying to run away from running.

Talking this dilemma over with my many running enthusiast friends, and of course Jesse (who said it took him over a year to run another marathon after his 1st, and is now approaching his 5th only 2 yrs after that) I have discovered something. Something I will generously share with you. You are welcome.

Runners are tweakers! They are obsessive, often compulsive people that take on running in a way that makes something that should be a fun activity and turn it into the center of their lives. Jesse said at a dinner party the other night when asked what was new "all I can think about is my running". When runners aren't running, they are planning their runs, reading about running (thank you by the way), figuring out what to eat...that will be best for running! It is pretty easy to burn out when it is so all consuming.

It occurred to me that after 3 years of "serious" running, I have postpartum from the marathon. The excitement, the build up, it is over and I want to get that back. The training and races prior to that were leading up to the incredible moment of crossing the finish line at my first marathon! A feeling of empowerment and pride that is like nothing else you've ever experienced.

How do you ask, does someone get that amazing feeling back? Rid themselves of the postpartum? I have no freakin idea people!

What I am trying out as a cure is diverting my attention. Not wanting to run in the heat? Not wanting to hit the treadmill to watch the same bad TV shows? Play list sucks? Go find a friend and hike in the cooler mountains, swim laps at the pool, jump on a trampoline (actually a great workout) or run the river (as in Rafting, not "I Shouldn't be Alive" craziness)! Mix it up so you feel like you are having some Summer fun! And, of course, drink plenty of wine.

...or start taking the same crazy pills Jesse is taking and train for a 50 miler. I bet that finish line blows your mind!


www.VivacWinery.com

It's a Marathon, but Someone has to do it!

Everyone loves to joke about the distance of a full Marathon (26.2 miles).  If you say you are training to run a full Marathon, you will inevitably hear "ahh man, anyone could do the 26, but it is the .2 that gets you!".  Hardy-har-har.

The truth of the matter is, that .2 is a killer! You struggle through the ending miles of a Marathon with heavy legs, only to finally get to the 26 mile marker and have the .2 stretch out ahead of you like some sick joke. That .2 is torture. That .2 is hell. Or maybe that is just me...I have only run one full Marathon and I think it is when I saw the mirage of the finish line at the end of that deadly .2 that my lungs literally stuck together. Maybe it gets easier, but that isn't what I have heard from even those that have run many...like Jesse and Chris.

So will there be another Marathon in the near future?

The Taos Marathon is June 10th (www.TaosMarathon.weebly.com) and of course Chris and Jesse will be running it. Chris, in true Chris form (see previous post "A Family Affair") has jumped in and started his training with a 20 mile run. I know, he totally sucks. Jesse on the other hand is diligently continuing his training for the ULTRA Marathon this fall, so he is running 26 miles today. Yes you read that correctly, TWENTY SIX miles...for a training run! We would say he had completed yet another full marathon, but he isn't doing the .2 so it doesn't count. And yes I will be telling him this as I laugh and sip wine. You see I am not running today.

I am on the wine marathon. I am training very diligently, 100% focused. Every single day I make myself drink more wine. "How does she do it?" you may ask, but there is no way to explain it, some people have a gift. I have that gift.

Sauv Blanc, Riesling, Cab, a blend, a sparkling wine, then back to a Chard, oh yes I can go from white to red and back again! Recently at a blind tasting, or in the wine marathon arena, The Main Event, I managed to nail every single wine blindly including several vintage dates. I am very impressed with myself. You see, in the wine marathon, you don't need screaming supporters, you just need to think highly of yourself.

So I am taking a short break this week from training for running races and focusing on running circles around my glass. I hope you join me. It is so much more fun...and less sweaty.

 -Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!

www.VivacWinery.com

Toe to Toe, I Feel Your Pain

No one can prepare you for loss. No one can tell you how you will handle it, how you will feel about it. Loss, big or small, is a process, one in which you have to get through in your own time, in your own way.

For me, I had no idea what was coming. Zero indication that I was about to be thrown feet first into it. In fact, the only glimmer of what was to come was a sensation, call it a "blister" about to rub. I was 100% focused on my first full Marathon and I blazed past all the warning signs.

The high of completing my first Marathon was crushed by the news of my loss. I was not flooded with pain the way I thought I would be. Instead it was like a steady pressure. An all consuming mental absorption. I couldn't think about anything else and I couldn't make the ever increasing pressure lift. Numb, I simply let the process unfold. It was as if it had to happen to me yet I was not a part of it. This was NOT what I expected at all. I expected to be writhing on the floor, screaming in pain. I pictured lots of tears.

I sat sipping wine, wine the color of my bruising. Wine that helped me feel numb. Wine that helped with the healing. I sipped my wine and stared at the inevitable before me, legs outstretched, swollen feet propped up. My future laid open and exposed to everyone.  I thought to myself, "How did this happen to me? Would I ever be the same?" I leaned on Jess who consoled me. He promised that I would get through it, but that it would take a long time.

As days turned into weeks. There was no bloody carnage, but rather a clear stream of relief, an utter sense of acceptance. But as with all loss, it comes in stages.

As the almost beautiful bruising was swept away in pieces off the floor. A new evolution of loss came to me. It was summer where barren soles play freely, but mine, I felt I had to hide. No one wants to see the deformity I had become. As time went on, I would actually forget about it only then to suddenly become aware of it again and wonder if anyone else had noticed. In a self conscious panic I would try to hide the glaringly obvious loss.

Now with more time having passed and as they say "time heals all wounds", I have been feeling on the mend! Only yesterday I was sucker punched with a new wave of this process. A pain I hadn't felt before, the first real pain I have been in touch with. A pain that dug in sharply. A new sense of life pushing its way into the old. This is not when I thought I would feel pain, yet that is exactly what I have.

"WHY?!" I screamed. Can't this just be over? I am tired of it being a thought, tired of it being a part of my daily existence. I want to wear sandals!!!

They say it is only a matter of time before you experience the loss all distance runners experience, the loss of a toe nail. But I didn't think it would happen to me. Now all I can do is go through the process. The long, tortuous process.

I hope someday to feel whole again. Someday to join the free soles of Summer. Someday, to wear sandals again.

At least my toe no longer matches the color of my wine.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!

www.VivacWinery.com

A Family Affair

Our journey is no longer ours alone.

Jesse decided he wanted to run, I am guessing, during one of his long bottling days with his brother Chris. I assume this because these are the days when, side by side, the two brothers come up with wild ideas. These are the days I usually refer to Chris as Jess' "other wife".  Chris becomes the "other wife" due to the sense of commitment Jess has to the idea they thought up together and there is nothing I can say or do to dissuade him, he has married his idea with his brother. The days where Jess and his "other wife" band together to talk the women in their lives into some hair brained idea come all too often. Running has always seemed a hair brained idea to me and seemed to be the next big adventure these two were ready to take on. Anyway, Jess came to me with the idea of running a marathon and after a couple bottles of wine, I was being talked... no bribed, into running a half marathon. I swore I would NEVER run a full Marathon. Jess took what he could get that day and then slowly wore me down over the years. I ran my first full Marathon in March of this year.

*Tip to those trying to bribe (and things to watch for by those about to be bribed), LOTS of wine and a substantial gift seem to work wonders.

Before I knew it we were off and running, pun intended.

You might be asking, why Jess and his "other wife" didn't just do the running by themselves, why do the ladies need to be involved? I think for Jesse, I was a stepping stone to get to the level he could then join his brother on. I said yes because I wanted the bribe gift...and there was wine involved... lots of wine.

The "other wife" takes my place as the extreme running partner. Chris has always had a natural gift for running, an ability to randomly select a day to run 10 miles and do it at a pace I will probably never be able to train for ...and he'll do it hung over. Absolutely unfair.

Jess ran with me until he was able to build up enough speed to run with Chris. They have managed to race Marathon after Marathon, encouraging each other to add another race to the calendar. The races get faster for Chris and Jess, having found that endurance is his gift, get longer! Chris hopes to shave enough speed off his Marathon time to qualify for Boston, Jess is training for a 50 miler.

Needless to say, it is hard to not feel the stirring in your gut to get involved, usually for me that is because I ate greasy food the night before...but that is a different blog all together. Seeing people push themselves, commit to a goal, follow through and finally cross the finish line at a race is beyond moving. I have cried at all of Jesse and Chris' races.

Chris' wife (his actual wife, not his "other wife" Jesse) Liliana, has been working out at home while raising her 2 kids, perhaps secretly planing to step in and race one of these days. I have no doubt she could kick some butt and do it without sweating. I seriously don't think she sweats! Due to a second pregnancy, Liliana has not yet taken up running. Lucky girl.

Now, Jess' son Denim (about to be 6 this summer) and Chris' son Maddox (turning 5 this week) have taken to running. Yes I know all children run, but they want to race!

Enter race opportunity #1:"Run for the Zoo". This is a race held in Albuquerque offering a 1/2 marathon, 10K, 5K and 1 mile fun run. The kids signed up for the 1 mile. Maddox unfortunately came down with a cold and could not participate. Denim, along with Dixon Elementary (the 3rd most entries of all Northern NM schools) joined the thousands to run Sunday morning.

A few days prior to the race, the elementary kids got their race packets. Denim excitedly asked to put on his new zoo shirt and have me pin his bib on just as he had seen Jess and myself do for our races. He proudly posed for photos and packed his "gear" for the race. Each day he thought about what foods to eat that would make him run better. He talked about being a little nervous and he tried to get more sleep. The dedication of this 5 year old to a race was more than adorable, it was touching. We felt a sense of pride watching him ready himself for his first race. In a time where kids watch more TV than play, it is exciting to see kids participate in sports. Especially when it is your child. Especially when your child would rather read college text books on dinosaurs than go outside.

The day of the race, nerves were on edge, the pressure and crowds were setting Denim off. We found a group from the school and huddled together, moving with the sea of people through the start gates and down the race course. The mass moved us blocks down the road...and past the turn off for the 1 mile loop. Yes, we were now moving with the last of the 5K group NOT the kids 1 mile "fun run".

How did this happen you ask? Well, we would like to know as well. It seemed odd that the race had started early, but then again, when you have thousands of people crammed into an area, confusion seems to be the norm. Disoriented, we started with the mob we were in.

Denim ran the 1st mile well, at a quick clip even. Then as he began to tire, he walked. The path ahead seemed never ending. Like a mirage, we thought each bend in the road up ahead was the finish line. We encouraged him to press on, take breaks when he needed and run 'his race'. Jess and I looked at each other nervously as we continued with the crowd far past what should have been the 1 mile stopping point. As we wound our way into neighborhoods we knew, this was a 5K. Denim managed to run 2.1 miles. A true Marathon for a 5 year old. He had stayed in excellent spirits and even literally stopped to smell the roses. However, shortly after the 2 mile point, he was unable to continue. I picked him up and carried him in my arms. My very tired this-is-too-far-to-carry-50lbs arms. So much for the "fun run".

Denim wasn't the only one ill prepared for a 5K! I was wearing a skirt and converse, not the attire that would support 3.1 miles. We neared the end and Denim had a resurgence of energy, running across the finish line with pride. I was more like a drowned rat. My skirt was dirty from his shoes rubbing on it and it was twisted off to the side. My shirt was soaked with sweat and I had blisters on my toes. Lovely.

After a bag of cotton candy and a tour of the zoo, we walked a mile back to the car. The poor kid did about 4 miles of walking that day. On the drive home Denim reminisced about the fine points of the race concluding "If I can do 2 miles at age 5, I think I will run a half marathon at 14 years old and a full Marathon by the time I am 20 years old." I am relieved that this experience didn't deter him, but inspired him to continue. I have to say if I thought I was heading out for a half marathon and found I was on a full Marathon course, I would not be such a good sport. The cotton candy at the end of that race would have to be made out of Oxycontin with a side of wine.

And so, with one race down, and a future of races in front of him, we see that this journey of running is not just ours, but inspiring future generations. Maybe Denim and Maddox will inspire their kids to be runners too. If only talking them into taking over the winery were as easy.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!

www.VivacWinery.com