Hot tears weld up in my eyes. My body felt alive with tingles that swept from head to toe. Even the hair on my head seemed to arch out of my scalp with intensity. I had the surging desire to run.
I didn't jump up from my seat and go running down the street in my flip flops, but instead I stayed seated at a table in a crowded cafe and let tears quietly cut through my make-up. I sat at the table and let the sensation and desire to run wash over me, through me, wave after wave reminding me why I run, calling me to run.
It was at that moment I put down the "TrailRunner" magazine article about Scott Jurek and decided to share my thoughts with all of you.
I feel like a novice, a newbie, a baby. I want so badly to be a runner...I want to...WANT to run. I find frustration in the fact that I have only run 1 half marathon, 1 5K and only 1 full Marathon. I realize many of you will be rolling your eyes at the "only", but it is a strange world (the world of running), the more you do, the more you see others do; be it faster, farther or more. I feel like I simply fight myself to even get my shoes on much less join the toned, dedicated, disciplined runners I admire.
Since running the Marathon in March, I have aimed for several races of varying length and completed...drum roll please...ZERO! Ya, it pretty much takes that accomplishment and pride from completing your first Marathon into embarrassment and self doubt pretty quickly.
What was I thinking? I'm not a runner yet! Runners run! I slumped. The truth is after
several attempts at jumping back into training, I have slowly regressed, cutting mileage, trying to trick myself into finding enthusiasim until I finally cut back so much that I haven't even run once in 2 weeks. OK, maybe it has been closer to 3 weeks. I simply haven't found the drive! I tried to dig deep, push through, but found a bored, sad core with zero inspiration.
Today as I read Scott Jurek's story of becoming an UltraRunner (50 miles or more) I was touched by the struggle between pushing ones self past pain and discomfort and finding the journey, the partnership with your body. I realize part of my sadness with the loss of running is the incredible bond and partnership I have had with my husband as he trained me through every one of my races. The encouragement he gave me when I cried on the side of the road, the cheers he gave as I pushed on and completed new distances. I don't think I have it in me to run without him. I miss him.
For all of you now thinking he died, he did not. He is on his own training mission for a 50 miler and that leaves me on my own to do my training alone. Due to circumstances of where we live (middle of nowhere) there are no running groups to join and due to where we live (middle of nowhere) and being a woman, I don't feel safe running certain places alone. This is just enough of an obstacle to stop me from lacing up, but to top off my excuse list, we also have a 6 year old son on summer vacation, we run our own winery (along with my brother-in-law and his wife) and about a million other things that fall under the heading "sorry for myself".
Excuses ran out today. Scott Jurek's story reminded me that the beauty of running is you don't have to read books or win races to run. Running is a relationship with YOUR body. It is a matter of partnering with yourself to "free ourselves".
With a sudden realization and acceptance, I let the tears fall...and people stare. I let the tingling sensation stir deep inside me and well up. I could feel the joy and inspiration for running reappear. I realized I can't hold my husband to being the reason why I run. I have to be my own partner. I have to stop crying in the cafe!
So, I don't know what will happen when I cry on the side of the road during a hard, long run by myself. I know those will be times when I miss my husband a lot. I hope I will be able to be there for myself with words of encouragement, something I have struggled to do my entire life. I hope I use the emotion to pick myself up, dust myself off and run home and into my husband's arms. I know he will be very proud of me that day.
Until then, I will simply get started again, stop giving myself such a hard time and learn to love running all by myself. Like a big girl. Of course that has to start tomorrow...I have wine to drink today!
-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com
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