The Emotional Car Crash

Life moves so fast, sometimes it is hard to find the time to talk about what it happening, it just swirls around you like watching the fall leaves fly in the wind out a window, silent yet chaotic. The things that are happening are stressful and emotional, which, lets face it, we all want to look the other way on, so you put your head down and get through it any way you can.

A couple of weeks ago, fully slammed into Crush and event season, I went in for my routine blood work. It is a year now of good test results that have shown my brain tumor is staying inactive. Somehow a year seemed big and my most neurotic thoughts bubbled to the surface. Will the results come back badly and I will know that I need to get back on the psycho drug that helped before? The drug that was dangerous in its own right, yet would allow me to jump in-front of the horrific symptoms that would inevitably come back. Or will it mark an anniversary of being healthy? This will forever be something I have to deal with, always haunting me, will it become active again? Will I have to battle hell all over again? This time, will I have to have the brain surgery?

The test came back bad. Not horrible, but not good either. Of course that meant more tests and stress. I tried to be cavalier about it, act as if I believed everything would be fine, echo the sentiment around me. But on the night when I had to take the medication for the more in-depth test, I set my alarm for the late hour I would need to take it and... burst into tears. I realized the stress of this haunting has been weighing on me in a way I chose to ignore. As the tears fell and my incredible husband caressed my back, I tried to keep the fear from controlling me. As my brilliant, insightful son said "maybe these tests will show you that you ARE healthy and that you should look forward to them as a reminder that you are OK instead of being scared of them". The fact that we have to have these conversations crushes me.

While I awaited the results of the tumor tests that had to be sent out, I also had the joy of my 1st mammogram! Yay 40! It was just as unpleasant as I thought it would be and it made my anxiety about being an old lady now worse (ya ya I know, 40 isn't old. But you know what? I don't like it! And I am going to go ahead and have a year long temper tantrum... until I turn 41 and can settle into the endless, silent, depression that is old age). Anyway, that test came back BAD too! WTF???

The morning I had to go back to the hospital for more images and an ultrasound, I got the results back for the tumor in my head. ALL CLEAR! The relief swept over me in waves and I clenched my jaw to keep from crying in-front of my son. I didn't want him to worry or feel the depth of my fear, pretty sure I failed at that. Somehow it was my 1st response, (tamp down your response woman!) to pretend like I wasn't that worried so he wouldn't be. And yet a shadow hung over us. What would this mammography test find? Am I doomed for bizarre scary health shit forever???

My poor mom has had to live through all of this happening to her baby, the youngest of the family. I can not imagine having to watch this happen to my child. Through it all, she has tried to keep a strong face for me, but the morning at the hospital, you could tell it was just too much. Fear locked in her eyes as she sat next to me in the waiting room. A horrible thought came to me, would the recurrence of the tumor issue and now this actually put her in her grave? And somehow I was struck by how much I missed the innocence of my family's emotional security. Knowing that bad, scary things can happen to those closest to you is terrifying and changes your entire being. While we all know intellectually that anything could happen at any time, living through the dark, grimy details of serious health issues, every day with fear and pain, is entirely different.

The test for the mammography issue came out fine. Getting the result was a heavy moment ironically. It was as if we'd been in a car accident and walked away, the carnage of our experience and fears, emotions and relief all in a jumble. The fatigue of the whole thing had settled in the new lines drawn into our faces, a permanent reminder of the trauma.

Yet, it isn't all bleak! It was a great reminder to keep focus on what is important, cut back on stress and of course, drink more wine.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com