A Whole New Marathon

There are lots of Marathons we run during our lives. There is the Marathon of getting through school, there is the Marathon of making a relationship last or the Marathon of raising children. Some know the Marathon of sticking out a job you hate or the Marathon of surviving loss. You don't have to be literally running in order to "run" a Marathon.

Over the last couple of years, all of you have read as I attempted to train for an actual Marathon...and failed. Over and over again I failed. Each time seemed harder than the last, more of a hit to my endurance to stop and then start over. This past year, it got much much worse and the ability to even try to train became ridiculous. The only time I could post was to tell you of how ashamed I was that I wasn't 'doing my job'. My body simply would not cooperate.

As I attempted to medicate all the insane symptoms that plagued me, I lost my ability to think positive. I lost a great number of things over this time and running was one of the 1st to go. As the months ticked away, what started as annoying became worrisome, I started spending more time at the Doctor's and the hospital than at home (OK maybe that is a slight exaggeration, I never did loose my ability to be dramatic, but it really felt that way). Then severe symptoms gave way to specialists, blinding headaches, crushing bone pain, constant and horrible nausea and blurring in my peripheral vision...on top of a long long list of other things that made life unbearable.

I started to feel like a crazy person as test after test came back to say YES there is a problem (hypercortisolism) but we can't find where it is coming from. Evidently, other than my 2 page list of ailments and a unrelenting cortisol issue, I was healthy as a freakin horse!

Finally, the tests of all mega tests, the MRI. The MRI is scary for lots of reasons, 1) Doctor's don't really seem to want to go there unless there seems a good cause (I'd LOVE to see what I've racked up in cost for my insurance company), 2) They shoot you up with a contrast liquid that is decidedly NOT good for your body, 3) the machine is so damn loud that you could actually go deaf, 4) they put a cage like thing over your head, shove you in a claustrophobic tiny tunnel and tell you not to move. I got to do this for a full hour, lucky girl. OH and the mother of all reasons this test sucks...the big #5...something could be wrong with your brain.

Over the years of my life, I have been prone to strange occurrences and happenings, perhaps I will share these in a blog some other time, but when they say "rare" I prepare myself for "you've got it". So, as they did all these tests, in the back of my head (ha! have to stop to give respect to this pun) I wondered if they would find it in my head. My husband the entire time was thinking the whole thing was in my head so...there is that.

You know what sucks about always being right? When you wish you weren't. The results of my MRI show a tumor on my pituitary. The pituitary is located at the front of the skull, essentially behind the nose (not at the back of the head, but that pun was still hilarious). Many tumors on the pituitary are "non-functioning", but guess what kind I got? With all the other tests, symptoms and Doctor visits, it seems brain surgery is the best plan of action. If I wasn't so damn miserable ALL THE TIME, perhaps I would have pooped my pants at this news, as things are, I simply breathed a sign of relief.

I'm excited to have a solution. Am I terrified of the risks? Uhhhhh YES! Have I tried to push the nagging questions of what will happen if I leave my young son in this world without me, my sweet boy that I have advocated for, protected and nurtured, what will happen to him if I am not here...have I tried to not think that thought? Ya, every moment of every day and most hours of every night. He is my heart and soul and there is no way I have had enough time with this incredible little person. And then I think of my husband, the man that even now tries to be my rock, always protecting me, always there to buoy me, be it an incredibly difficult run...or this. He is truly the love of my life and I'm so lucky to have had him holding my hand all this time. Even the thought of saying goodbye to him makes my heart sear with white hot pain.

Amazingly I don't have any regrets, should I go now. I feel I have lived a wonderful full life. Except I probably should have had MORE wine, why was I saving that "special" bottle? And clearly I could have nagged my husband more, he'd love that.

-Cheers from the Vivác Winery Family!
www.VivacWinery.com